I’ll be honest. I might’ve gone to a five-hour champagne brunch directly before coming into work to write this today. So, at this point, every single game on this list sounds effing incredible – as effing incredible as, like, waffles. Oh man. Waffles, with ice cream and butter. Right after this list, I’m totally getting some buttery waffles à la mode.
Image Source: Dominique Sarraute/The Image Bank/Getty Images
By Reverend Danger
The following article does not represent the opinions of Spike TV or its affiliates.
10. SSX Tricky On Tour - PS2
Mitch Koobski, the guitar-playing unicorn, and the biped known as Bigfoot are just two of the bonus characters in this button-mashing, xxxtreme with three x's, skiing and snowboarding game. It’s pretty hard to crash, and when you do, it’s not that big of a deal. With very little time spent, you can unlock the entire mountain for free riding, and as a bonus, the soundtrack kicks ass.
9. Super Smash Bros. - N64
Another good button-masher with a lot of violence and color that you don’t need to be totally there to enjoy. Link was the best, by the way. The chaos he caused with his backpack of bombs was unprecedented. I got so good that people used to call me Link in the dorm my freshman year. True (and awesome) story.
8. Virtua Fighter 5 - PS3, Xbox 360
The secret Dural corporation is staging the 5th World Fighting Tournament to effect world domination! Whatever, though, this made this list for three reasons: 1. Shun – master of drunken kung fu. 2 and 3. Sarah Bryant’s spandex-clad chest protectors.
7. The Guy Game - PS2, Xbox
This is a trivia game whose most brilliant feature is the Flash-O-Meter. It’s a meter that measures how much the in-game, unanimated, real girls flash you. Get more questions correct in the “TitWitz” portions of trivia and see more tit. Fact! And, the fun thing is, just like in real life, the more out of it you are, the less likely you are to be witty and see naked ladies.
6. Rock Band/Guitar Hero - PS2, PS3, Wii, Xbox 360
Music makes a lot of things better. So does getting 'faced. Combine the two with video games and you’ve got the music games phenomenon of the 21st century. Pick your poison: Rock Band (1 or 2) or any of the Guitar Hero games. Just don’t pick Wii Music. What a buzzkill.
5. Rez - Dreamcast, some other, lamer platforms
In Rez, you play a hacker named Eden. You’re flying through a Super Computer because its AI controller, Eden, has become overwhelmed with the breadth of her own knowledge and has a sort of French existentialist melt down. She’s trying to shut the network down, and you’re trying to stop her. Also, the entire game is you flying through a pulsing, techno music-playing, 3D circuit board inpired by this Russian painter. Toss in a little vibrating egg that pulses to the music called the Trance Vibrator that you (or a lady friend) can put wherever you want, and, well...
4. Super Mario Galaxy - Wii
Super Mario Galaxy is a game where Mario flies around in space and collects power coins. In so doing he can put on a bee suit and pretend to be a bee, and the same goes for ghosts. I feel like these are things you would do when you were wrecked, anyway. I almost chose Nights into Dreams instead of this, but I think I’m the only one still around that still has access to a Sega Saturn.
3. WarioWare - Wii
WarioWare (the most recent incarnation is Smooth Moves) is a game full of mini games from Nintendo that is best for EXTREME attention deficit disorder and a penchant for the random, theater of the absurd. Everything is crazy and pointless, so why not dance like an idiot to make Wario balance on a ball? Good question. Let’s get bombed and play WarioWare.
2. Beautiful Katamari - Xbox 360
In this game, the King of the Cosmos hits a tennis ball so hard that it rips the fabric of the universe. Makes sense so far. Using his superior oratory skills (“This sky is not pretty at all. It's rough and masculine. Possibly sweaty.”), he convinces his Prince to roll up random items which he then forges into planets to replace those that have been sucked into a black hole. Want to look deeper, check out the meta-criticism of the game. If not, just get ripped and roll sh*t up.
1. Wipeout HD - PS3
Wipeout HD is the best in the genre of anti-gravity future racing games. Spawned from the patriarch of F-Zero, they’ve been getting better, and better, and better, and trippier. Witness the pinnacle of this seizure-inducing excitement with the bonus “zone mode” in Wipeout HD above.
Honorable Mention: Fl0wer
It's not out yet. But I'd bet dollars to donuts it'll be perfect for this list when it is.