Rumors are Swirling About Something Called "The Winter Olympics" Starting Tonight

February 12, 2010

Because apparently nobody in America is aware that the 2010 Games are starting tonight with what the city of Vancouver promises will be a very pleasant opening ceremony, here’s a breakdown of what to watch for over the next two weeks.

An extremely attractive skier has selfishly injured her leg and may not show the poorer countries how much more talented and better looking she is than everyone else.

Canadian sex icon and legendary curler Kevin Martin is expected to dominate his competitors in a more impressive manner than any other athlete.

One of the United States’ top athletes spends most of his days answering questions about his sexuality.

In an effort to ruin everything I love, the NHL has announced that this may be the last time we see professional athletes in the Olympic hockey tournament.

Stephen Colbert has become the single greatest thing to happen to the Olympics since form-fitting biathalon spandex.

Shaun White is ready to prove that, contrary to what South Park and middle school bullies think, being a ginger is not necessarily a disability.

There will apparently be a lot of sex at the games.

Some girl with a name you can't spell, from a country you can't pronounce will try to win the gold medal in a sport you don't care about.

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