The Top 10 Ways to Survive Valentine's Day

February 12, 2010

For guys, Valentine’s Day is a living hell. It’s expensive, over-commercialized, and never ends how you’d hope it would. Whether you’re single, casually dating someone, or in a serious relationship, Valentine’s Day can be a royal pain in the behind.

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10. Dump Your Girlfriend

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If you’re dreading Valentine’s Day, have no idea what to get or do with your better half, and would rather crawl in a hole than spend it with your girl, then it’s probably time to end your relationship. Let’s face it--if you’re in a great relationship then Valentine’s Day should be a walk in the park. You should know exactly what to do without having to think about it and without bleeding your bank account dry.

But if you’re feeling at all apprehensive about Valentine’s Day or are wracked with doubt about your girl then it’s time get rid of that deadwood and dump her now. After all, it’s better to dump her before February 14th than waste money on some uninspired present.

 

9. Date Someone Foreign Who Doesn’t Care

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If you hate Valentine’s Day with a vengeance, then you should date someone who couldn’t care less about this so-called "holiday." Your best bet is a nice foreign girl. Most countries beside America see Valentine’s Day for what it is, an overly commercialized day that puts a dollar value on love and relationships.

Why not try dating a girl from South Korea? There it's the women who give men chocolates on Valentine’s Day. Women from Saudi Arabia will be too scared to celebrate because in their home country Valentine’s Day has been outlawed. In Brazil the girls are super hot and they couldn’t care less about Valentine’s Day. This is probably because all the women down there are practicing their booty shaking Carnival dance routine and deciding which topless outfit to wear. If your woman doesn’t care about Valentine’s Day or even know it exists, then there’s no need to worry about it.

8. Get Creative and Save Cash

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With flowers, chocolates, a card, a sing-a-gram cupid, petals for the bed, a string quartet, champagne, and a horse drawn carriage, the cost of Valentine’s Day can send you in bankruptcy. But there's no reason to spend a ton of cash. Put your noggin to use instead of your wallet and get creative.

There are a million different things you could do this Valentine’s Day that won’t cost you a penny and will probably mean more to your girl than some stupid, expensive present. For instance, write her a poem. You might not be Keats, but she’ll really appreciate the effort and the fact you wrote down how you feel about her.  Other things you can try are cooking brownies together, drawing on each other’s naked bodies, or giving each other sensual massages. Whatever you do, make it personal and filled with meaning. After all, it’s time we stripped back the commerciality of Valentine’s Day and reclaimed the day to celebrate love.

7. Seize the Moment

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If you are single and have a crush on a girl, but have been too chicken to do anything about it, Valentine’s Day is the perfect excuse to seize the day and make something happen. Be bold and ask her out on a date. If she’s single, then there is no chance she’ll say no,  as no one wants to be alone of Valentine’s Day. Once you’ve secured your date, be romantic to make a good impression. Valentine’s Day is the one day of the year where a man can be cheesy, romantic, and over the top and not have their manhood questioned. So go on, make a statement. Take a risk. Ask her out. Now. It might just change your life. And if it doesn’t, well, it sure beats sitting at home alone.

6.  Have a Date with Yourself

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If you don’t want to deal with all the hullabaloo that comes with Valentine’s Day, then don’t. Be your own Valentine. Being alone is A-OK as long as you own it. So treat yourself. Spend the money you would ordinarily spend on Valentine’s Day on yourself. Go get a massage, which will probably cost you the same as a dozen roses and a box of chocolates. Then take yourself out for a fancy dinner and order the most expensive steak on the menu. Your bill’s still going to be cheaper than dinner for two. Afterwards settle in at home with a case of beer and your favorite DVD (pants and good manners are totally optional). Then throw in a dirty flick and really get to know yourself. You see the benefit of dating yourself is you’re guaranteed the night will end with a happy ending.

 

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5. Man Up and Treat Her Like a Princess

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If you really love your girl and want to show her that, then unfortunately you have to man up and treat her like a true Princess. This means making her Valentine’s Day the best ever and going all out with her favorite flowers (you should know this, roses are for amateurs), chocolates and champagne (if you’re of legal age). Plan a nice dinner for your lady by taking her out to her favorite restaurant or cooking her favorite meal. Be chivalrous throughout the day. The little things like opening the car door and helping her to her seat are really important. Whatever you do, make sure to be creative and romantic.

4. Get Laid

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If you are single this Valentine’s Day, then there is no excuse not to get laid. This is the one night of year where single, lonely women swarm bars and clubs en masse. They might venture out on the pretense of a girls-night and talk BS about single girl empowerment, but deep down what they’re really after is some man meat. This is because Valentine’s Day is the one day of the year where single women are constantly reminded that they’re all alone...and no one wants to be reminded of that. It is your job to make them feel wanted, so make them feel beautiful and give them hope that a special someone is out there somewhere. Play your cards coolly and you’ll end up in her lonely pants.

If you’re in a relationship and don’t get action on Valentine’s Day, then there must be something seriously wrong with you. All you have to do is make an effort. Buy her a rose, make her dinner, and give her a sensual, sexy massage. Do this and you’ll be in like Flynn.

3. Set the Bar Low

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If you are in a new relationship and are about to celebrate your first Valentine’s Day together, it is imperative that you do the bare minimum this V-Day. Whatever you do, don’t go all out with flowers, dinner, chocolates, or flights to Paris. You have to set the bar low. Remember that whatever you do, you’re not going to meet her expectations. If your relationship lasts for a long time, this is the Valentine’s Day that all others will be compared to. If you aim for the stars and reach them in your first year together, then it’s going to be harder to top yourself in subsequent years. If you do the bare minimum, then whatever you do the following year is going to blow her mind.

2. Level the Playing Field

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It’s time men stood up and demanded they be treated equally on Valentine’s Day. For too long Valentine’s Day has been a holiday that benefited women more so than men. For instance, what is the male equivalent to the dozen red roses? Um, there isn’t one. It’s ironic that a day about love is a day about men spending money. According to greeting card maker American Greetings Corporation, men spend roughly twice as much money on their Valentine than women. J.Lo was wrong. Love does cost a thing.

Now this disparity between the sexes has got to change. It’s blatant inequality. I say, equal gifts for equal love. This is the kind of cause men should rally together over. Let’s take to the streets, protest, write letters to our Congressmen and demand equality. We must not rest until we succeed, because it is only then that we as a sex will be able to enjoy and survive the day. Can I hear a “Yes, We Can”?

1. Time Travel and Miss It Completely

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The only true way to survive Valentine’s Day is to shun it completely and pretend like it doesn’t exist. And the only real way to do this is time travel. With time travel you can fast-forward from February 13th to February 15th and avoid Valentine’s Day altogether. The best way to do this is book a trip to Australia or New Zealand. Thanks to its proximity to the International Date Line, if you leave the United States on the evening of the 13th, you’ll wake up Down Under on the 15th, having completely missed Valentine’s Day. It’s ingenious and probably expensive, but hey, it’s the only sure way to survive Valentine’s Day!

 

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