The Top 10 Actresses Past Their Expiration Date
5. Lindsay Lohan
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That’s right. At the tender age of 22, Lohan has already worn out her welcome with moviegoers. Jack Nicholson has publicly declared that he’ll never act in a movie she’s in – Jack Nicholson! I mean, come on, you know it’s bad when one of the original bad boys has had enough of your shenanigans.
If it’s not one thing it’s another. Lohan is either flashing her vagina or doing another stint in rehab or banging up her brand new zillion dollar car…it just never ends. And that’s fine. This is America, she’s free to come out of the closet and jump back in and burst back out, and do it all while high on cocaine and driving to her next session of rehab without any underwear on. That’s cool, it’s her prerogative. Free country.
But we don’t want to have to pay 10 to 15 bucks to look at this tore up ho no mo’. Somebody get her a sitcom or a long session of electroshock therapy, just get her the hell out of the movies. Please.
4. Sarah Jessica Parker
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Some of you cynics out there are saying, “Come on, Sarah Jessica Parker? Was she ever pretty?” To which I have a very simple answer: the 1980s. Girl was halfway decent. Twenty years ago.
But, in all seriousness, she had some game back when she did Girls Just Want to Have Fun (don’t pretend like you haven’t seen it), Flight of the Navigator, and Footloose. In other words, back before she became HBO’s reining queen of materialistic shallowness. And she’s actually done some fine acting in recent films like The Family Stone and Smart People.
Nonetheless, her expiration date has long since passed, and at this point it’s hard not to make comparisons to Mr. Ed and Henry Kissinger whenever we see her prance across the small and large screens all dolled up like Cinderella, marketing some crappy movie or makeup. We’ve had enough.
Girls might just want to have fun, but guys just want to have movie stars to look at who don’t make their retinas puke. Is that really so much to ask for?
3. Meg Ryan
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For a while it was looking like Meg Ryan was going to be able to scrunch up her nose and melt the hearts of America for the rest of eternity. She proved that just because you starred in one hit romantic comedy with Tom Hanks didn’t mean you couldn’t make the exact same movie all over again five years later and have it become just as big a hit. For that we have her to thank.
But time has finally caught up with Ryan and it is not a pretty sight. She’s begun to look like Mickey Rourke’s twin sister, her face all puffed up and de-wrinkled from Botox. We would probably feel kind of sad about it all if we weren’t so damn sick of her. Can anyone remember the last time they saw her in a movie that didn’t annoy the living crap out of them? Anyone? Anyone?
2. Cameron Diaz
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There were a solid six years when Cameron Diaz charmed our pants off. From her grand entrance in The Mask to Charlie’s Angels, she was looking pretty fine. Her million dollar smile, her blonde locks, and her effervescent energy combined to give us a classic American babe. Now we look forward to her work in Shrek 4 because we won’t have to look at her.
Along the way Diaz has kept her airheaded personality, but she doesn’t really look the part anymore. Her face looks like a worn-in baseball glove when she smiles and she appears tired and ill-kempt when she isn’t wearing five pounds of makeup. Must the studios keep foisting her upon us as the "Hot Girl" when we’ve got the likes of Megan Fox and Anne Hathaway and Emily Blunt to pick from?
1. Julia Roberts
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You have to hand it to her, Julia Roberts was America’s Sweetheart for a real long stretch. She really hung in there, and she definitely had her share of detractors along the way. But she always kept her head up and moved past whatever personal scandal or cinematic failure cropped up. She was a one-of-a-kind movie star, and she pretty reliably brought in the box office.
Somewhere along the way things changed and she wasn’t quite as ravishing as she once was. She hasn’t aged as terribly as some of the ladies on this list, but she’s certainly begun to display the ravages of time. Between Ocean’s Eleven and Ocean’s Twelve the numbers started to show. By the time she appeared in Charlie Wilson’s War her eye sockets appeared to be empty caves from which two orbs of desperation peered into the abyss.
It’s quite possible that Roberts will continue to dazzle and amaze us for many more years, and she might even hold onto the title of America’s Sweetheart for longer still. But people have already begun to show less interest in her films and the studios will soon realize they can’t bank upon her appeal to men and women alike any longer: her throne is in danger.
Queen Elizabeth the first was praised as the beautiful Virgin Queen until the day of her death at age sixty nine. But none of her subjects truly believed there was a hottie underneath all those layers of white make up and frilly dresses. They just kind of got used to the title.