Some actresses age gracefully and seem to become more radiant over time. Other actresses are not so lucky. They hit their expiration date and go bad, and once they hit that point there’s no making the sour gallon of milk scrumptious again. These actresses keep getting cast in big movies, but it’s only a matter of time before Father Time catches up with them.
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10. Nicole Kidman
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Kidman was one of the sexiest actresses around for a long, long time – she’s kept her shiny gloss for nigh on twenty years now. And she’s probably aged better than anyone else on this list, but that doesn’t mean she hasn’t gone past her "Use By" date. Her face has begun to look like an evil bubble, those beady little eyes bearing down on whomever dares draw near.
It’s easy to see why Tom Cruise would have grown tired of this uptight Aussie getting up in his grill every night. And after the bomb that was Australia, I think it’s clear that audiences are not drawn to her in droves anymore (were they ever?). Kidman works best now as a villain or a mom. She and Keith Urban deserve each other.
9. Teri Hatcher
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Teri Hatcher first came to our attention in Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman and a classic episode of Seinfeld in the mid-'90s. And she was pretty darn hot. Skinny, large-breasted, big eyes, and an even bigger smile...there really wasn't much not to like about her. Sure, her acting chops were never anything to write home about, but dang if she didn't know how to stand around and look pretty.
Oh, how times change. Though she continues her television work in Desperate Housewives, her days of hotness have most definitely come to an end. She got the skinny thing down, but then she kept getting skinnier. And skinnier, and skinnier, and skinnier, until we couldn't even remember what it was we liked about her so much to begin with. She now looks like a scary mix between Michael Jackson and the mummy of King Tut. This is not what we want to be looking at having affairs with the pool boy and the next door neighbor.
Someone get this woman a cheeseburger on the double.
8. Drew Barrymore
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Okay, let’s be honest: Drew Barrymore was never really all that hot. In fact, hot was never the appropriate adjective for her. She was cute as a little kid in E.T. and sometimes adorable in her twenties, and now…well, now she’s just another talking chubby face attached to a chubby body that should know better than to be projected on a giant movie screen.
The tragedy is that at 34, Barrymore doesn’t even come close to being old. But there are only so many romantic comedies she can foul up with that Batman chin of hers and that I’m-so-adorable-and-don’t-even-know-it voice that shreds your ears like a cheese grater. Enough is enough. Someone do the right thing and get this woman in the plus-size section of a JCPenney catalogue, stat!
7. Helen Hunt
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Helen Hunt was actually aging very gracefully for a while; she was lovelier with each successive film she starred in. The movies she chose weren’t always winners (What Women Want, Pay It Forward) but hell if she didn’t look good acting in them. In Castaway you really feel bad for Tom Hanks because of how bad fate screwed him over – he lost a damn fine woman!
And then along came anorexia. In the last film she starred in, Then She Found Me (also her directorial debut) she looked like an emaciated victim of malnutrition on the brink of death. The movie should have been called Then She Found My Skeleton Walking Around and Talking. Because that’s what it looked like was going on: a corpse had been reanimated and given some heartfelt lines to say. It was more than a bit frightening, and somewhat perplexing, that someone so intelligent would buy into the unattractive Hollywood fad of self-starvation.
6. Renee Zellweger
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Renee Zellweger has always walked the fine line between cute and hot, and usually fell on the side of cute. But these days she doesn’t fit in either. Her squinty-eyed circle of a face often seems like a pumpkin that’s been ham-handedly carved into a woman, and it’s not something most people care to spend too much time looking at.
It doesn’t help that she’s continually starring in stupid movies, or movies that she doesn’t really belong in. Leatherheads, Appaloosa, New in Town…none of these movies have done well and it doesn’t seem like an accident that she’s been the female lead in all three of them.
There was once a time when Zellweger’s cutesy, girl-next-door qualities were called for. And then the credits rolled at the end of Jerry Maguire.
5. Lindsay Lohan
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That’s right. At the tender age of 22, Lohan has already worn out her welcome with moviegoers. Jack Nicholson has publicly declared that he’ll never act in a movie she’s in – Jack Nicholson! I mean, come on, you know it’s bad when one of the original bad boys has had enough of your shenanigans.
If it’s not one thing it’s another. Lohan is either flashing her vagina or doing another stint in rehab or banging up her brand new zillion dollar car…it just never ends. And that’s fine. This is America, she’s free to come out of the closet and jump back in and burst back out, and do it all while high on cocaine and driving to her next session of rehab without any underwear on. That’s cool, it’s her prerogative. Free country.
But we don’t want to have to pay 10 to 15 bucks to look at this tore up ho no mo’. Somebody get her a sitcom or a long session of electroshock therapy, just get her the hell out of the movies. Please.
4. Sarah Jessica Parker
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Some of you cynics out there are saying, “Come on, Sarah Jessica Parker? Was she ever pretty?” To which I have a very simple answer: the 1980s. Girl was halfway decent. Twenty years ago.
But, in all seriousness, she had some game back when she did Girls Just Want to Have Fun (don’t pretend like you haven’t seen it), Flight of the Navigator, and Footloose. In other words, back before she became HBO’s reining queen of materialistic shallowness. And she’s actually done some fine acting in recent films like The Family Stone and Smart People.
Nonetheless, her expiration date has long since passed, and at this point it’s hard not to make comparisons to Mr. Ed and Henry Kissinger whenever we see her prance across the small and large screens all dolled up like Cinderella, marketing some crappy movie or makeup. We’ve had enough.
Girls might just want to have fun, but guys just want to have movie stars to look at who don’t make their retinas puke. Is that really so much to ask for?
3. Meg Ryan
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For a while it was looking like Meg Ryan was going to be able to scrunch up her nose and melt the hearts of America for the rest of eternity. She proved that just because you starred in one hit romantic comedy with Tom Hanks didn’t mean you couldn’t make the exact same movie all over again five years later and have it become just as big a hit. For that we have her to thank.
But time has finally caught up with Ryan and it is not a pretty sight. She’s begun to look like Mickey Rourke’s twin sister, her face all puffed up and de-wrinkled from Botox. We would probably feel kind of sad about it all if we weren’t so damn sick of her. Can anyone remember the last time they saw her in a movie that didn’t annoy the living crap out of them? Anyone? Anyone?
2. Cameron Diaz
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There were a solid six years when Cameron Diaz charmed our pants off. From her grand entrance in The Mask to Charlie’s Angels, she was looking pretty fine. Her million dollar smile, her blonde locks, and her effervescent energy combined to give us a classic American babe. Now we look forward to her work in Shrek 4 because we won’t have to look at her.
Along the way Diaz has kept her airheaded personality, but she doesn’t really look the part anymore. Her face looks like a worn-in baseball glove when she smiles and she appears tired and ill-kempt when she isn’t wearing five pounds of makeup. Must the studios keep foisting her upon us as the "Hot Girl" when we’ve got the likes of Megan Fox and Anne Hathaway and Emily Blunt to pick from?
1. Julia Roberts
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You have to hand it to her, Julia Roberts was America’s Sweetheart for a real long stretch. She really hung in there, and she definitely had her share of detractors along the way. But she always kept her head up and moved past whatever personal scandal or cinematic failure cropped up. She was a one-of-a-kind movie star, and she pretty reliably brought in the box office.
Somewhere along the way things changed and she wasn’t quite as ravishing as she once was. She hasn’t aged as terribly as some of the ladies on this list, but she’s certainly begun to display the ravages of time. Between Ocean’s Eleven and Ocean’s Twelve the numbers started to show. By the time she appeared in Charlie Wilson’s War her eye sockets appeared to be empty caves from which two orbs of desperation peered into the abyss.
It’s quite possible that Roberts will continue to dazzle and amaze us for many more years, and she might even hold onto the title of America’s Sweetheart for longer still. But people have already begun to show less interest in her films and the studios will soon realize they can’t bank upon her appeal to men and women alike any longer: her throne is in danger.
Queen Elizabeth the first was praised as the beautiful Virgin Queen until the day of her death at age sixty nine. But none of her subjects truly believed there was a hottie underneath all those layers of white make up and frilly dresses. They just kind of got used to the title.