The 10 Most Annoying People You Meet at Concerts

January 21, 2011

You've waited weeks for your favorite band to plant ground in your sleepy hometown. You spent days sleeping in the back of your pickup truck in a freezing tundra of a stadium parking lot to buy your ticket. You sold a vital organ just to score the money for a single seat in the arena. And now, you have to spend it next to one of these sour notes.

Source: Photo by Andrew Walsh/Flickr/Getty Images

By Danny Gallagher


10. Mr. “I’m Clearly Way Too Into This Band”

There is nothing wrong with being a fan. The trick is not letting your fandom engulf your entire reason for existing like a giant, even more pathetic-looking Snuggie.

These people don’t just wear their favorite t-shirt of the band that’s on the stage. They have their face covered in low-grade circus makeup in the hopes the band they worship will see their chubbed painted face and remember it until the day they die (actually, it’s a pretty high probability). They scream out the name of the song they think was written specifically for them and it’s usually the worst one in their entire discography. They empty out every gift shop in the arena and are the sole reason t-shirts cost more than the down payment on a used car. They are probably the band’s fan club president or if they aren’t already, they are planning a bloody coup to overthrow him.

What Are They Thinking?

“They better play that obscure song that I love that no one else does or I’ll sacrifice another animal on the altar I built in my parents’ basement to ensure their mortality.”

“I hope they got my package. Mailing that rattlesnake was harder than I thought it would be.”

“I wish I was a woman so I could sleep with them. Then again...”

 

9. Mr. or Mrs. “I Know The Band, No Seriously”

Source: Modern Light/Aurora/Getty Images

Celebrity is hard to come by and most people will do anything to hang on to a single, hair-thin shred of it. That includes the people who actually try to start a collection of the hair strands of celebrities they’ve met in person, come across in public, or snuck into their bathroom in order to raid the hair clog in their shower.

Just knowing that they are loosely connected to a famous and/or talented face isn’t enough. They have to tell the world that they know them. That includes you since the ticket office stuck you two together in adjoining rows along with the other saps unfortunate enough to be seated next to, in front and back in of, and within earshot of them. They didn’t just meet the band. They claim to personally know them and they will take every opportunity to remind you of it. Every song is a reminder of the time they spent that summer at their lake house. Every solo is an opportunity to talk about the time they threw up at their son’s Bar Mitzvah. Every bathroom break you take, they will be right there in tow to tell you just how beautiful the singer’s golden toilet is to see and use.

What Are They Thinking?

“So if I’m Facebook friends with the band, that’s technically the same as actually being friends.”

“It’s a good thing that restraining order only said ‘100 feet away’ or I wouldn’t have been able to sit this close to the stage.”

 “I’m so lonely.”

 


8. Mr. “Hold This for Me, Would Ya?”

Source: Peter Dazeley/Photographer's Choice/Getty Images

Music and drugs go together like peanut butter and diabetes and most concerts can actually improve their quality. If it wasn’t for drug dealers, most parents wouldn’t be able to survive their last “Wiggles” excursion.

Sometimes, though, you actually want to experience the experience without the chemicals in your brain getting in the way of it, but this drug mule has more narcotics on him than a DEA evidence locker. The stuff he took before he went to the show has made him ultra paranoid and every guy in the joint is either a cop, a fed, or a soldier for his supplier so he’s constantly asking you and your friends if you can “hold something” for him for a little while. Under no circumstances should you say “yes,” even if he’s your brother-in-law and his reaction is bound to make every subsequent Christmas very awkward. That’s assuming, of course, he makes parole by then.

What Are They Thinking?

“That guy, he’s probably a cop! Cheese it!”

“Oh crap, that beer vendor! He’s a cop! I just know it!”

“That guy who told me he wasn’t a cop, he’s probably a cop! That’s part of their sneaky little plan. Unless they are using some kind of reverse psychology or that reverse psychology is just another form of reverse psychology...ow, my head hurts.”



7. Mr. or Mrs. “I Think This is Karaoke Night”

Source: Karan Kapoor/Riser/Getty Images

The most beautiful concept of the live concert is enjoying a song that has been a solid part of your identity or philosophy since you were old enough to enjoy it and hearing it directly from the artist’s mind, heart, and soul. And just as you are about to grasp the true meaning of life as interpreted through song, you are whipped back to the real world by the sound of what appears to be a live pig being dissected.

Audience comes from the Latin word “audentia” meaning “listening.” That means the members of the audiences are not supposed to sing along to every song just because they think they know the words or are secretly hoping their voice will travel to the stage and convince the band to bring them up on stage for a special performance. Not only does it not happen at any live concerts, but chances are it would happen to this golden throat in a bankrupt karaoke bar.

What Are They Thinking?

“This is gonna look so good on my resume when I go to my American Idol audition.”

“Man, do the acoustics suck in this place. No one can hear me!”

“Why is everyone facing away from me towards that big stage?”

 


6. Mrs. “I Swear I’m 18”

Source: David De Lossy/Photodisc/Getty Images

It doesn’t hurt that concerts are filled to the structurally unsound rafters with the hottest women you will ever see in your life without the aid of an Internet-connected computer, a $1 billion trust fund, or a sweaty dollar bill.

The problem is that none of these dim-but-damn-attractive light bulbs are even remotely willing to spend more than five minutes with you, unless it will give them five extra seconds to spend with the band on the stage. Sure it’s fun when they “whip ‘em out” for the band but it’s hard to enjoy them knowing that you are the last person who will get to go home with them. It’s exactly like going to every strip club you’ve ever been to, except you walk out with more money in your pockets at the end of the night.

What Are They Thinking?

“That’s so hot.”

“That’s so hot.”

“That’s so hot.”

 

 

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5. Mr. or Mrs. "Why Aren't They Playing Their Hit Song Already?"

Source: Frederic Cirou/PhotoAlto Agency RF Collections/Getty Images

Believe it or not, some people go to concerts not to enjoy a band's eclectic discography of music or their exploration of new sounds never heard before by any other human ear drums. Some of them are there to hear just one song, their most popular song making their ticket the most expensive iTunes single song download in history.

They whine and complain when The Rolling Stones don't belt out their 5,000th consecutive rendition of "Satisfaction" or if Motorhead doesn't play "Ace of Spades" fast enough to their liking. For some reason, he thinks that because he paid for a ticket, the entire stage arena is his private jukebox. He's so annoying and incessant with his complaining that you'd actually like to stick a quarter in him, just so you can hear him play "How About a Nice Cold Glass of Shut the F---Up?" (the live and in-concert version).

What Are They Thinking?

"Why are they ignoring my song request? I'm only 124 rows from the front. It's not like they can't hear me."

"They didn't play the song! This band will rue the day I got a Twitter account."

"I can't believe I showered for this."



4. Mr. “I’m Starting a Mosh Pit Right Here, Right Now”

Source: Marcus Clackson/Photodisc/Getty Images

I’d love to meet the twisted bastards who thought up the concept of the mosh pit, that hotbed of pointy haircuts and Doc Martens where grown humans beat each into a coma to show the band just how much they love them. Something tells me they either do a lot of drugs or really hate music.

Of course, the beauty of it is that it’s entirely voluntary. You don’t have to use your head as a fist against some other poor dolt’s skull to enjoy the music if you don’t want to. Somebody needs to tell that to this guy who starts elbowing everyone around him when the band starts playing and trying to get everyone around him to push, shove, kick, and scratch because he thinks it's a freeing experience of angst and creativity. At best, it’s just an excuse to hit someone in public and in this case, a sure-fire way to raise reasonable doubt in the inevitable manslaughter trial.

What Are They Thinking?

“I haven’t felt this alive since my days in Juvenile Hall.”

“Man, punching people in the temple sure doesn’t look like it hurts as much when they do it in the movies. That’s funny. Now I can’t feel my hand...or my arm for that matter.”



3. Mr. “You Lookin’ At My Girlfriend?”

Source: Philip Haynes/Flickr/Getty Images

It never ceases to amaze me how so many beautiful, intelligent, and smart women end up with guys who couldn’t be bigger jerks if their last name was “Noogiehitler”.

These guys will be easy to spot at a concert because if you dare to admire the striking beauty of their near-perfect date for more than half of a second, they will immediately jump into your field of vision and scream at you to stop looking at “my woman” and cover you with more needless angry spittle than the front row of a Carlos Mencia concert. Don’t worry though. He won’t actually hurt you because his girlfriend will pull him off you by then or it will make his next probation hearing very awkward.

What Are They Thinking?

“You talkin’ to me? You talkin’ to me? You talkin’...”



2. Mr. or Mrs. “IF I YELL LOUDER, I MIGHT BE ABLE TO HAVE A DECENT CONVERSATION ON MY CELL PHONE!!!”

Source: amana productions/Getty Images

It’s hard to understand the mentality of anyone who even sets foot into a concert hall or a 10,000-seat arena with a cell phone on them. I have a hard enough time trying to have a conversation with someone on a cell phone if I move my head three quarters of an inch in any direction. How are a billion screaming fans going to improve the reception of the call?

It isn’t the fact that’s he or she is having a conversation during a concert. It’s that they are trying so desperately to get the conversation into the phone, despite the fact that they have a better chance of getting a signal if they were just below the Earth’s crust and that they are trying to talk over 49,999 other voices.

What Are They Thinking?

“Christ, why did I say 'sell'? I’m going to have to sell the kids for organ meat just to cover the insurance on the Maserati.”

“Damn it, you pay good money for these things and you can never hear what the other person is saying.”

 


1. Mr. “I Still Think Yelling ‘Freebird’ is Funny”

Source: KMazur/WireImage/Getty Images

There a lot of things you jokingly shouldn’t yell in a crowded theater: “Fire!”, “Gun!”, “Yanni! You rock!”

“Freebird,” however, jumps to the top of the list, especially if the theater is on fire. It’s been yelled at bands regardless of their genre, musical ability, or even the fact that they can or cannot play “Freebird.” It’s become such a dumb cliche that the person who screams it immediately loses all credibility, respect, and the love of their entire family by the time they reach the second syllable (and that’s if they're lucky). Lesser men who have uttered the unfunniest joke in the world have lost much more, like their ability to breathe without a machine or vital parts of the reproductive anatomy.

What Are They Thinking?

“I am so gonna yell ‘Freebird’ right now. No one’s ever thought about doing that at a rock concert.”

“I’ve been yelling ‘Freedbird’ for years, but is it like a song or a band or something?”

“I’m so lonely.”

 

 

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