NBA Ref Released From Jail in Order to Resume Life as Giant Scumbag

November 4, 2009

After 13 months of pretending to be remorseful for nearly ruining the NBA, former basketball official Tim Donaghy was released from prison earlier today and is excited to begin his new life of avoiding vengeance and profiteering from his crimes.

In a book that he’s still shopping around to publishing houses with a "morality optional" policy, Donaghy documents how he fixed NBA playoff games, intentionally gave certain players technical fouls and made tons of money from mafia members who may or may not kill him within the next 48 hours.

Not only do these turbulent tales violate the sacred trust between pro sports and degenerate gamblers, but it also means that every nutjob fan with body paint and outstanding child support payments can validly claim that “the ref is fixing the game” every time his favorite player gets called for travelling after taking nine steps (looking your way, Iverson).

According to legitimate news sources, or whatever CNN qualifies as these days, Donaghy will be working through a prison outreach center and is seeking a job in sales or marketing.

Those would be fun calls:

“Hello Mr. Breitman, are you happy with your current long distance provider?”

“Actually, I’m using a third rate pay-as-you-go service because I lost so much money betting on the Phoenix Suns in 2005. You see, some referee decided to fix the game in order to support what I imagine was a slew of questionably legal porno site memberships and an extensive LPGA bobblehead collection.

“So, what you’re saying is that if we can bring down the price, you may be willing to sign a long-term contract?

Screw you, Donaghy! Why do Bernie Madoff's victims get their money back, yet everyone who took Nash and Amare against the Spurs has yet to receive any sort of reparation? That seems unfair!

Source: Lisa Blumenfeld/Getty Images Sport/Getty Images