11:01pm
The Bourne Identity (2002): Bourne Identity, The (2002)
2:00am
Crank 2: High Voltage (2009)
1:30pm
The Bourne Identity (2002): Bourne Identity, The (2002)
4:30pm
The Bourne Supremacy (2004): Bourne Supremacy, The (2004)
7:00pm
Casino Royale (2006)
10:30pm
Goldfinger (1964)

The Top 10 Wussiest Movie Monsters Ever

by DannyGallagher   October 29, 2008 at 1:00AM  |  Views: 1,652

5. Imhotep from The Mummy

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He’s got super strength and the power of angry, vengeful, ancient Egyptian gods on his side. But when you break down all of his other monster qualifications, he would have a hard time getting his resume approved at the Board of Directors of Evil without half a dozen overpaid supervisors laughing in his undead face.

He’s big and slow and lumbering, so if you’re running from him, chances are you’ll have an easy time getting away. Kirstie Alley could outrun this bastard. Plus, he’s the most pussy whipped monster of all time. He comes back to life and is willing to do anything for the approval of his long lost loved one. In other words, it’s the Bill Clinton story with pyramids. 



4. Sully from Monsters Inc.

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You wouldn’t expect a monster from a children’s movie to be very tough and foreboding, but Sully takes his wussiness to an even lower level, which ranks somewhere just below an Arena League football player who cries every time he gets tackled and just above every high school glee club president who ever lived.

His job is to scare little children while they sleep, which in any other circumstance would be downright creepy. But when he’s not on the clock, he’s just another big dumb lug who falls for cute cuddly things and amusing little children. If you’re a monster, you should be scary and terrifying around the clock whether you earn time-and-a-half for it or not.

3. Frankenstein

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He may be one of the most iconic and famous monsters of all time...the one by whom just about every monster who ever lived is measured. But if you strip away the undead flesh and the uncontrollable rage and the destructive tendencies, he’s also one of the biggest wusses of all time. Just don’t tell him that to his face unless you want him to rip it off.

He’s a big lumbering mess with the mind of a child with learning disabilities as evidenced by his amusement of throwing flowers into a pond and his easy distraction by things like fire and small children. He’s basically a big dumb high school jock, any of them, only with less stitches in his head and higher SAT scores.



2. Audrey II from Little Shop of Horrors

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First of all, he’s a giant plant that can’t walk. So if it eats you, that means you were outsmarted by a plant and you deserve to get eaten. It's God's way of weeding you out of his garden.

Secondly, if the plant doesn’t kill you, his meek and unintelligent slave Seymour has to kill you in order to feed you to it. So if a plant loving nerd who goes to the emergency room every time someone gives him a wet willy can kick your ass, that makes you twice as wussy as if you were killed by the plant. Then you don’t just deserve to get eaten. You deserve to get eaten and reincarnated as a hot dog.

1. The Ruler from Plan 9 from Outer Space

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He’s the general of an interstellar alien army but he really belongs in the Village People’s Navy.

The Ruler, as he’s only known in Ed Wood's classic movie probably because that’s how he disciplines his troops by using one to administer a darn good spanking, looks and sounds like a limp wristed, well-to-do socialite who always has shirtless pool boys at his house, even though he doesn't own a pool. He never does any fighting in the movie and that’s probably a good thing because if he did, it would probably involve a lot of limp wristed hand slapping and finger snapping followed by a rousing “Oh no you didn’t.”

It really would have ruined the whole movie.

Danny Gallagher is a freelance writer, humorist, reporter and is also not Dick Cheney living in Texas. His website is DannyGallagher.net. He can also be found on MySpace.

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