The Top 10 Wussiest Movie Monsters Ever

October 29, 2008

Looking for a Halloween costume? Well, be careful because believe it or not, who you choose to pretend to be says worlds about your character, beliefs and personality and, if your goal is to tell the world that you’re a sniveling, whiny little wuss who could get their ass handed to them by a Cabbage Patch Kid, then by all means go with one of these evil characters.

10. Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs

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The guy is grade-A evil, but you wouldn’t know it by his behavior. He puts on makeup, listens to low-grade '80s dance music and videotapes himself dancing to them completely naked with his junk tucked in, that is if he has any. I know I don’t when I watch him onscreen because the very sight of him makes my testicles shrink as if they are spending their spring break at the Arctic Circle.

He also has a pampered poodle named “Precious” he takes with him wherever he goes, which not only proves his indifference and amusement with other people’s suffering but explains why Paris Hilton treats her hairless rat of a dog better than anyone who can’t get her into some exclusive euro-club.

9. The aliens from Signs

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M. Night Shamayllama, Shanana, Shamalamadingdong or however the hell you spell his name rarely has what can be considered "true monsters" in his movies, and that’s probably a good thing because the twists he applies to his movies with the force of a medical tourniquet would forever ruin them. If he directed the next Godzilla remake, we would find out in the end that the giant fire breathing destructive mutant lizard is just a Japanese guy in a giant rubber suit.

In Signs, the audience discovers that the big bad-ass aliens who have been terrorizing everyone for the last 90 minutes by appearing on screen for a few measly seconds are fatally allergic to water. If even a drop touches their leathery skin, they shrivel up and die. Here on Earth, we call that shrinkage, so basically the aliens are just highly evolved, mutant enlarged penises.  

8. The killer clowns from Killer Klowns from Outer Space

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We have to admit that clowns are inherently scary. Something so joyous and happy has to be hiding mountains of pure evil to make up for it.  And if you’re so evil that you can’t contain it, the best way to reach your victims is to wear a constant smile on your face and appear to be the happiest thing in the universe. There is a reason parents tell their kids not to take candy from strangers…because it works.

These clowns, or “klowns” as the title so humorously spells them, take the same tactic, but look like big dumb stupid clowns who use toys and candy to capture their victims. So in essence, they are basically interstellar child predators and only Dateline NBC’s Chris Hansen can stop them. The only reason they’ve been able to capture so many humans is because they landed in a town that’s dumb enough not to think to shoot the bastards until an hour and a half into the movie.

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7. Norman Bates from Psycho

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The guy screams creepy and you probably wouldn’t want to meet him in a dark alley or a badly lit cutlery store, but he’s got a wussy streak that couldn’t be polished away even with industrial strength Windex.

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He’s a total momma’s boy. He can’t do anything without his mother’s ever-present shadow hanging over him. He can’t leave the house without his mother. He can’t meet a woman without his mother stabbing her to death in the shower. He can’t even kill someone on his own without the approving eye of his mother. He’s even wussier when you realize that HE is actually his mother.

6. The Dark Lord from Legend

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Imagine this: you are the master of evil and the ruler of darkness and no, you’re not Dick Cheney.

You have the power to summon fire with the simple raising of your arms. You have an army of mindless minions at your disposal. You can bring darkness and despair to every corner of the world with nothing more than a simple sneer and your scratchy voice and no, you’re still not Dick Cheney.

You combine all of these awesome powers to steal the horns off of two unicorns in order to destroy sunlight. That doesn’t make you the world’s most powerful demon. That’s make you an eighth grade girl who wishes her “My Little Pony” dolls would come to life.


5. Imhotep from The Mummy

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He’s got super strength and the power of angry, vengeful, ancient Egyptian gods on his side. But when you break down all of his other monster qualifications, he would have a hard time getting his resume approved at the Board of Directors of Evil without half a dozen overpaid supervisors laughing in his undead face.

He’s big and slow and lumbering, so if you’re running from him, chances are you’ll have an easy time getting away. Kirstie Alley could outrun this bastard. Plus, he’s the most pussy whipped monster of all time. He comes back to life and is willing to do anything for the approval of his long lost loved one. In other words, it’s the Bill Clinton story with pyramids. 

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4. Sully from Monsters Inc.

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You wouldn’t expect a monster from a children’s movie to be very tough and foreboding, but Sully takes his wussiness to an even lower level, which ranks somewhere just below an Arena League football player who cries every time he gets tackled and just above every high school glee club president who ever lived.

His job is to scare little children while they sleep, which in any other circumstance would be downright creepy. But when he’s not on the clock, he’s just another big dumb lug who falls for cute cuddly things and amusing little children. If you’re a monster, you should be scary and terrifying around the clock whether you earn time-and-a-half for it or not.

3. Frankenstein

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He may be one of the most iconic and famous monsters of all time...the one by whom just about every monster who ever lived is measured. But if you strip away the undead flesh and the uncontrollable rage and the destructive tendencies, he’s also one of the biggest wusses of all time. Just don’t tell him that to his face unless you want him to rip it off.

He’s a big lumbering mess with the mind of a child with learning disabilities as evidenced by his amusement of throwing flowers into a pond and his easy distraction by things like fire and small children. He’s basically a big dumb high school jock, any of them, only with less stitches in his head and higher SAT scores.

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2. Audrey II from Little Shop of Horrors

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First of all, he’s a giant plant that can’t walk. So if it eats you, that means you were outsmarted by a plant and you deserve to get eaten. It's God's way of weeding you out of his garden.

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Secondly, if the plant doesn’t kill you, his meek and unintelligent slave Seymour has to kill you in order to feed you to it. So if a plant loving nerd who goes to the emergency room every time someone gives him a wet willy can kick your ass, that makes you twice as wussy as if you were killed by the plant. Then you don’t just deserve to get eaten. You deserve to get eaten and reincarnated as a hot dog.

1. The Ruler from Plan 9 from Outer Space

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He’s the general of an interstellar alien army but he really belongs in the Village People’s Navy.

The Ruler, as he’s only known in Ed Wood's classic movie probably because that’s how he disciplines his troops by using one to administer a darn good spanking, looks and sounds like a limp wristed, well-to-do socialite who always has shirtless pool boys at his house, even though he doesn't own a pool. He never does any fighting in the movie and that’s probably a good thing because if he did, it would probably involve a lot of limp wristed hand slapping and finger snapping followed by a rousing “Oh no you didn’t.”

It really would have ruined the whole movie.

Danny Gallagher is a freelance writer, humorist, reporter and is also not Dick Cheney living in Texas. His website is DannyGallagher.net. He can also be found on MySpace.

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