The Top 10 Super Expensive Versions of Everyday Food

January 26, 2011

If he's living right, every guy should be able to live comfortably eating only the 10 following foods. If he's living really right, he can afford to blow his cash on these 10 ridiculously overprized versions of everyday foods.

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By Geoff Shakespeare


10 . $5,000 Hamburger

There are few foods in the world that contain the pure gastronomic perfection of the hamburger. A slab of chopped and grilled meat slapped between two buns and dressed to your taste, there's nothing else that can match it for a cheap, yet hearty meal you can get anywhere. As long as you can scrounge together a couple bucks and can leave the house, you can find a burger almost anywhere on the planet. But what if you've got $5,000 burning a hole in your pocket to go along with your burger craving? Well, fear not, because a chef called Hubert Keller has just the beef sandwich for you. His Fleurburger 5000 is made from the finest Kobe beef, smothered in truffles and foie gras, and served on a truffle flavoured bun. It may sound a little pricey, but that five grand also includes a bottle of wine and a certificate mailed to your house so you can prove to all your friends that you once had $5,000 and no idea how to spend it.


9. $50 Donut

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Ahh, the humble donut. For years, these delicious little grenades of fat and sugar have helped millions of us suffer through horrible mornings, crappy jobs, and boring meetings. No matter how bad your day is, a single donut can give you the energy to make it through no matter how awful things look. Of course they're bad for you. Like really, really, heart-explodingly bad for you. But who cares, right? Everything great eventually kills you. But some people actually care about more than flavor when they choose their food. Some people actually want to eat healthy stuff, even it means giving up the glorious sugar highs of the donut. For those people, Chef's Diet makes an apple caramel donut with way less fat and calories than a regular one. The only drawback is they cost $50 a dozen. Now if you want to eat healthy, that's your prerogative, but come on! For $50 you could buy enough donuts to get your entire office through the worst Monday in January. Or you could be a selfish jerk who lives to be 99 eating his fancy pants healthy donuts. Who do you think is going to have more people at his funeral?


8. $30 Cup of Coffee

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If donuts are a battery jump on a cold morning, then coffee is the gasoline in the modern human engine. Every day all over the world people guzzle gallon after gallon of the most popular drug known to man. Perfect for any situation or social gathering, available anywhere, and full of the life-giving powers of caffeine, coffee is the grease that keeps the world turning. Imagine what would happen tomorrow morning if all the world's coffee supply somehow disappeared. Would the human race even survive until noon? Not a chance, we need our coffee and we need it now. Luckily for our continued existence, there's a lot of it around at a reasonable price. Sure, there's expensive gourmet stuff if you want it, but who needs to pay extra besides coffee snobs or hipsters? Well for them, farmers in Indonesia have a very special blend of coffee. Called Kopi Luwak, the coffee is made from beans that have been eaten and pooped out by civet cats (a kind of Asian weasel). Yes, you read that right. For anywhere upwards of $30 a cup, you can get a cup of coffee made from the droppings of a small animal. Kopi Luwak is supposed to be so great because of the way the enzymes in the poop react with the beans, but who cares? Someone has found a way to get snobs to fork out big bucks to have a glass of warm s**t, and they have our undying respect.


7. $2,800 Pizza

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There's something magical about a pizza. You get hungry, make a call, and in less than an hour a scuzzy dude shows up at your door with a piping hot wheel of greasy goodness. A pizza hits the spot, is perfect for parties, and won't break the bank. Unless you're an idiot with more money than brains. If you are such an idiot, next time you have a craving for a pie, why not order up a Pizza Royale 007? Although it sounds like a really bad Italian ripoff of a James Bond movie, the Pizza Royale 007 is actually the most expensive pizza ever made. Created by Chef Domenoco Crolla, the 12-inch Royale 007 has an organic crust, sauce made from some expensive kind of tomatoes, and is topped with smoked salmon, venison medallions, cognac-marinated lobster, and champagne-soaked caviar. And oh yeah, just to beef up the price a little, there's flakes of 24-karat edible gold on top of everything. Worth $2,800, the pizza was actually made for charity, so at least somebody besides the rich jagoff who bought it benefited from its creation. Still, it took a lot of balls on Chef Crolla's part to make a $2,800 pizza and not chuck in some free crazy bread or a bottle of Pepsi at least.


6. $175 Cheese Sandwich

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The best thing about sandwiches is that you can make them out of anything. As long as it's between two pieces of bread, it's a sandwich. Best of all, they take almost zero effort to make, so you can feel pride in eating something you made yourself, even if all you did was open a package of bologna and squirt some mustard on it. If you're even lazier, you can even make a sandwich out of nothing but cheese. Now you may be asking, how the hell can you make an expensive version of the simplest prepared food in the history of mankind? Well, it helps if you're British. Those dudes can class up anything. One of them, a chef called Martin Blunos, took three pieces of sourdough bread and stuffed it so full of expensive cheese that some goof was willing to fork out the $175 he was charging for it. So the next time you're standing in the kitchen in the middle of the night in your underwear eating a slice of American cheese crammed between two slices of Wonder Bread, thank your lucky stars you weren't born British. Actually, that's probably a good thing to be thankful for no matter what you're doing.



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5. $762 Bottle of Beer

Source: BrewDog

Beer. We love you. You give so so much and ask so so little in return. We could make some jokes here or give a little history, but frankly, we're a little choked up. Beer is great and you'd gladly pay any price for a bottle. Although it is pretty cool that you can grab a case for next nothing, too. But what if you really want to show the world that your love for the frosty hops knows no limitations? If you're ready to take your adoration of suds to the next level, then it's time for a big bottle of End of History beer. Unfortunately, it's going to cost you. End of History may be the world's strongest beer at 55% alcohol, but it's also the world's most expensive. One bottle costs $762. But BrewDog, the guys who make it, aren't trying to soak you. For that kind of cash, they're willing to throw in a few extras. Unfortunately, they apparently hired Uncle Fester to run their promotions department and all they could come up with was a guarantee that every bottle is packed in a genuine stuffed dead animal. Because who doesn't love to have their brew poured from the preserved mouth of a deceased rodent? That's how the rich guys do it! You know what? You can probably achieve that dream by yourself for a lot less than $762.


4. $40 Bottle of Water


It used to be, back in the days when men were men and porno came strictly in magazine form, that water was free. Whenever you wanted a glass of cold, crisp water, the only thing you had to do was turn on the tap in your kitchen and voila, there it was. Of course, this being America, someone eventually figured out that if you put that same water in a nice plastic bottle, gave it a snappy name, and advertised it using women in various states of undress, you could convince people to pay for it. Not a lot, mind you, but considerably more than the nothing they were paying before. Once somebody figured out you could charge for water, it wasn't long before someone decided to make an incredibly overpriced version. Bling H2o, the world's most expensive bottled water, goes for $40 a bottle. Right now, you may be asking yourself, how do they get suckers to buy it? The answer is simple; a cool name and half naked girls. Marketed as a product strictly for those who love the finer things in life, Bling H2O is packaged in a silvery bottle that looks more suited to holding some starlet's perfume than the source of all life. So go on, buy yourself a bottle and show the world that you can bling with the best of them. If "bling" means falling for idiotic trends and making other people rich in the process.


3. $22 Loaf of Bread

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As previously mentioned, sandwiches are awesome. And while it may be that the middle gets all the glory, they would be nothing if it wasn't for the two slices of baked goodness that keep the whole thing together. But bread isn't only great for soaking up mustard and mayonnaise. It also goes great with soups, sauces, and anything else that's savory and wet. And it's cheap. Since human beings first learned that they didn't have to just eat whatever they found lying around and could actually make their own food, bread has been a low cost staple that anyone and everyone can afford. Unless you're rich. Then it's just one more thing you can waste your money on. To help all those poor richies get rid of some extra cash, Harrods, the swankiest supermarket in Britain, offers a loaf of premium bread for $22. It's made from top flight ingredients and probably tastes great, but at ten times the cost of a standard loaf, it's a little pricey for something that even medieval peasants took for granted.


2. $1,640 Chocolate Bar

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They may not be healthy, they may make you fat, and they may be crammed full of enough sugar to give an entire class of third graders a wicked case of ADD, but man, oh man are chocolate bars delicious. Wonderful little bricks of sweet chocolate, caramel, and nuts, they are the most fun substance you can ingest without breaking the law. And since they usually cost about a buck a bar, you can scarf down as many as you like and rest comfortably knowing you'll never have to turn to a life of prostitution to support the habit. Unless you get a taste for Cadbury's special Wispa Gold. The normal version is your standard reasonably priced candy bar, but to commemorate its return to mass production after being briefly discontinued, maker Cadbury released a special gold-coated version that sold for $1,640. Designed to be literally "worth its weight in gold," the special edition Whispa Gold is so fancy even the wrapper is made out of gold. Chocolate bars are awesome, no doubt, but if you ever find yourself in a position where you're willing to drop $1,640 to get one, it may be time to admit you have a problem.


1. $95 Bowl of Macaroni and Cheese


Mac and cheese. Just the sound of those three words conjures up images of cheap eating at its finest. Sure, in the hands of an accomplished chef like your mom, macaroni and cheese can be a hearty, nutritious meal that exemplifies everything that's good and wholesome in American home cooking. But for most of us, it represents something that comes in a box, costs less than dirt, and is dead easy to make regardless of how drunk you are when you get a craving. The instant macaroni and cheese mix is the backbone of any bachelor's diet. Only instant ramen rivals it for boiled value. Not content to let it remain so, the snooty chefs of a fancy Los Angeles restaurant called Melisse weren't satisfied with the dayglo orange status quo of cheap mac and cheese and decided to offer a plate of their own. But since they own a French restaurant, their mac and cheese has truffles, parmesan cheese, and some kind of fancy-type macaroni called "tagliatelle" and it costs $95. We hate to use math to prove anything, but with that much money, you could buy enough cheap mac and cheese to eat like a very poor king for at least 95 nights. The choice seems pretty obvious.



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