The Top 15 Awesome Theme Parties You've Never Been To
Theme parties are so awesome. Duh. But I get tired of the tired ones. I've been to approximately 200 "CEOs and Business Hos" parties and it makes me want to staple my hand to the wall. Creativity in theme parties is a needlessly rare thing. Now, with my help, you can be the talk of your block, dorm, office, or wherever you habit. Witness 15 awesome theme parties you've never been to...
Everybody likes a tropical theme party, but nobody likes clichés. October is coming up and that affords you the opportunity to take the traditional tropical party to a new, meatier level. Take solace, though, vegan/vegetarian/non-cannibal readers. You don't have to actually eat people to pull it off - it just makes it easier.
Supplies: fake body parts, fake blood, tropical costumes, tropical soundtrack, real body parts.
The mantle to a (wo)man's mouthpiece, the campy companion to their charm, the moustache is a prima facie improvement to a person's persona. How better to celebrate this institution and/or induct the never-mustachioed into the furry fraternity? Evil? Distinguished? Female? What does your ‘stache say about you?
Supplies: Moustaches of the ink, actual, or metallic varieties. Monocles, bowlers, spurs, Hawaiian shirts, and cop costumes as appropriate.
Heaven and Hell (by floors)
I went to a college of Judeo-Christian philosophical underpinnings, and I think that my close friends and family would agree that my attendance did me well. For instance, I would've never conceived such a divinely comical, Dantian endeavor such as the Heaven and Hell Party had I not attended. Top floor: angels, Enya and vodka. Basement: tequila and Motorhead.
Supplies: Guest list divided appropriately into angels and demons, a multi-storied house - preferably with one story for Heaven, one for Purgatory, and the best for Hell. Be sure to use thematic décor and libations for each (water for purgatory?).
Like wine tasting, but fun. Although, it's worth noting that cabernets and ports go especially well with the bottom of Man's Food Pyramid. Before you scoff, consider the varieties of bacon: hickory-smoked, apple-bacon, turkey-bacon, peppered, lean, un-lean, fried, bacon bits, tofu bacon, instant bacon, and beggin strips. This is a considerable list, but we're not done. Consider next, the accoutrements: hot mustard, barbeque sauce, teriyaki sauce, beer batter, ladies, and chocolate. Is that noming I hear?
Supplies: Get a piñata shaped like a pig, and fill it with pork product and jubilation. Rent or buy a pot-bellied pig. Slaughter depending on how metal you are.
Bring things you want to trade. It pays to be creative - it might take more than your still-in-the-box Raph Ninja Turtle to trade a girl's bra off. It also might not if she is the coolest girl ever. In my experience, foreign exchange students tend to be better at this as they have an accurate, third-party view of what capitalism is all about. Also, they are wet, wet sluts. Party fouls equate to embargoes on uncooperative members of the world theater.
Supplies: It's up to you this time.
Viagra and Sweatpants
This party works out for the ladies. Or, for you if you're *cough* hung like a Viking ship mast. Ill-gotten Viagra can be gotten over the counter in third world nations like Guam and Canada. Sweatpants you can get at Walmart. Fleshy love rockets have been bestowed upon the sons of Adam since the beginning of time. Ladies' appreciation of them is something you have to earn for yourselves.
Supplies: Viagra, phalli, sweatpants, exhibitionists and voyeurs.
Sex on Ice
"I'm a sex addict. It's my cross to bear." - Chazz Michael Michaels
Formerly known as the Blades of Glory party, this concept takes hold of the tension and drama of figure skating, stuffs it into form-fitting, bedazzled duds, and pushes it into the spotlight. This is especially appropriate in the shadow of the Olympics, but works equally well anytime around the Solstice/Chanukah/Christmas/Kwanza/Secular-Holiday-Gift-Season.
You know what's fun? Beer. Beer is especially fun during Halloween (because of the concomitant costume culture). A long, long time ago (almost a year now) my friend Swan and I decided that if beer and costumes were to do the humpty hump, their baby would be called Hauntoberfest. And, for the history nerd out there, you'll note they both celebrate the harvest anyway! It's like the stars have alligned and begged you to throw this party.
Supplies: Beer, skeletons, lederhosen, ghosts, sausages, mummies, hot cheese soup, and buckets of blood.
Dress in Not-Clothes
Wear anything as long as it isn't clothing. Though oft-referenced, this is a rare party to actually attend. It takes either a certain brand of slattern our a particular stripe of genius to wear nothing at all or something odd respectively.
Supplies: Socks, clamshells, coconuts, fig leaves, Christmas present boxes, police tape, suitcase,
You gotta wear (or be) a letter to get in. Mingle to spell and spell to mingle - works best with a bookish crowd, but that's not totally necessary. Remember the kid who is awful at Scrabble until he can find a curse word or a sexual reference, or anything even close to it? His time is come. A rather long guest list is advisable for this one unless you and your friends' vocabulary is limited to 75 cent words.
Supplies: Dictionaries, parchment, and thick-rimmed glasses.
This is not a game of fantasy - the consequences and valor in this game are of the very real, magical sort. Here is how you throw this party. First, dress like a kick-ass wizard. I don't know how you should do it, I don't even know what season you are. Just do it. Next, decide what level you're going to fight your boss at. Usually you fight a boss at about level 3 or 4. Next, drink a beer. You finished? Good job, you've finished a level! Tape your next beer to the top of your empty. Is that a wizard staff growing in your hand? Don't get too overconfident...at level 4 you've got to fight Boss Jose Cuervo, or perhaps his nefarious sister Bacardi.
Supplies: Beers, bosses, tape, and wizard costumes.
Mushroom Kingdom Gamer Party
This takes a particularly nerdy group - it'd probably work well at a technical or engineering college. Computer science, of course, is the major of choice for invitees. 100 gold coins to the girl that dresses as Samus. Nerd porn? Yes. Deal with it.
Supplies: Mario drinks, as many gaming systems as possible, Gold Coins for party rewards, barrels for rolling at party fouls.
Going to church, I learned a lot about myself and about spirituality. I also learned that the Bible is totally kickass. You know what a good action movie that would be? Or, I don't know, how good a theme party that would be? Another thing that I learned, is that I look really good dressed as the Persian king Nebuchadnezzar from the book of Daniel. What? The Hanging Gardens of Babylon? Yeah, I built those. No biggie. Could I get another pomegranate martini? Wish we would've had these back ‘round the Chaldean Dynasty. Effing delicious!
Supplies: Bible, Book of Mormon, Quran, Scientology References, water and/or wine, and a healthy dose of religious tolerance.
Graffiti/Paint your Date
This is for the artsy anarchist - we all know one. In this party you paint your house walls and/or your date depending on how much you value keeping each one. It can evolve/devolve into a splashy orgy or a factory-style art-in. This is what we refer to in the theme party throwing business as a "win-win situation." Enjoy.
Supplies: Washable paint, un-washable paint, gold metallic spray paint (always seems handy), sharpies, paintbrushes, and partial nudity.
This works if you have access to gym locker rooms or frat/sorority showers. It also works well, in my experience in dorms, as there are large number of available showers or "nookie wet docks" as I prefer to think of them. Wear your swim suit. Or don't.
Supplies: Slippery, slippery soap, slippery slippery ladies, slippery slippery swimsuits, showers, and a large hot water heater.
Source: Most of the images are courtesy of lastnightsparty.com, where all the foxy hipsters go.