The Top Seven Ways to Make Americans Care About Soccer

July 15, 2010

For some odd reason, a non-contact sport routinely dominated by third world countries and British pretty boys has not become a staple in the American sporting world. That is, of course, until now. Once the U.S. soccer committee implements these seven simple ideas, the sport might actually become popular in a country that routinely shows senior bowling tournaments on network cable.

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7. Force the Rest of the World to Call it Soccer, Not Football

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When America has a difference of opinion with other nations, its leaders don’t sit back and allow the opposing culture to keep their slightly differing beliefs. Just ask the now capitalistic nation of Russia or Nike-filled gymnasiums in Northern Africa. If America wants something a certain way, that’s just how it’s going to be.

Oh, you’ve been calling it “football” for 150 years? Well, now it’s called “soccer.” Deal with it, Argentina!

(It would also be helpful if the World Cup could charge a very expensive entrance fee. Third world countries are surprisingly good at soccer, and this would be an excellent way to eliminate them from the tournament without having to actually break a sweat.)



6. Force Athletic Prison Inmates to Join the National Team

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If America’s top athletes aren’t choosing to play soccer, why not force people who have no control over their daily activities to hit the pitch? There are at least two former Heisman Trophy winners currently incarcerated in America and various five-star football recruits littered throughout the American Penal system. Why not just feed them a steady diet of steroids and involuntary practice time for the next four years and see what happens?

Plus, we could make things interesting by allowing the team’s leading scorer to earn a pardon at the end of each tournament. North Korea employs a similar strategy and they had a pretty successful run in 2010.


5. Glowing Soccer Ball

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Remember how great the illuminated puck worked for hockey? Well, why not use a similar approach to soccer? The game moves way too fast for Americans to follow, so let's help the viewing public keep up with the action a little bit better by using a piece of technology that my mother once called “the single worst thing to ever happen to the sport of hockey since Jason Arnott.”

 

4. Incorporate Firearms

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The American constitution (sort of) clearly states that every citizen has the right to take a semi-automatic weapon anywhere on the planet provided a proper permit and reasonably clean criminal record can be provided.

However, for some unexplained reason, the freedom-hating governors of FIFA repeatedly deny the American players’ rights to bear arms on the field of play. Not only does this violate the Constitution, but it also takes away one of this country’s biggest strengths: weaponry.

Imagine how much more entertaining the games would be with sniper rifles and sideline cannons.

(And seriously, how can you have a position called “striker” without allowing guns on the field?)

 

 

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3. Cheerleaders

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Spike.com posted seven soccer-related articles throughout the World Cup. Combined, they received around 17,000 page views. Conversely, one Spike.com blog about an extremely attractive female fan with ample cleavage standing relatively close to the sidelines boasted nearly 100,000 page views.

Americans will give any sport a chance if there’s a barely legal law school student throwing on skin tight miniskirts and jumping up and down.



2. Host World Cup Games at American-Friendly Times

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Nobody in this country wants to wake up at the crack of 10AM to watch a sporting event unless it has the words "monster" or "truck" in the title. No matter where the World Cup is being held, organizers need to arrange games in order to make sure American fans have the ability to watch them live during Gossip Girl commercial breaks.

If this means forcing teams to play at 4:14 a.m. South African time, so be it.


1. Become Good at It

Photo: Al Messerschmidt/Getty Images Sport/Getty Images

This seems like a bit of a no-brainer, but maybe it’s time to give winning difficult games a try. Sure, it’s a lot of fun to dominate weaker African nations who have to choose between purchasing soccer cleats for their national team and squashing communist revolutions. Oh wait, that didn't work either. How long are we going to hang our hats on that 1-0 win over Algeria?

Seriously, if the Netherlands can become the second best team in the world, how hard can it be? Have you ever travelled to Holland? Not the most athletic looking people on the planet. Their best player is a diminutive striker who looks like an emaciated version of Uncle Fester.

 

 

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