Monster Mating: Warm Bodies And Five Other Creatures Ladies Should Avoid Dating
by kevin MarshallFebruary 01, 2013 at 12:00AM
"Warm Bodies" comes out this Friday, the latest in a litany of films that take advantage of our current obsession with all things zombie. In this film, adapted from the 2010 novel by Isaac Marion, a zombie named R meets and falls in love with a normal human. That love eventually transforms him into less of a monster and something more resembling the man he used to be.
It's a nice sentiment for a film, but ladies, when it comes to real life, but we here at All Access Weekly absolutely would NOT recommend dating a zombie. There's just far too much baggage and potential to get hurt. And we mean that in both the emotional and physical sense. Emotionally, they are distant and stand-offish. Physically, they will eat you.
But there are perhaps even worse monsters to make your significant other. With this weekend's release of "Warm Bodies" and Valentine's Day just around the corner, we want to present you with five monsters that you should avoid dating at all costs!
Many view him as a "fixer-upper" and point to his sensitive side, but being sensitive works both ways. Yes, he can be touching and endearing, and even show moments of true gentleness…until he freaks out and throws you into the river. He's also got unresolved issues with his father that he needs to address before he can be truly happy. Besides, it's probably not a good idea to go out with a guy made up of parts of so many other dead people. He's bound to have some identity issues.
The first obstacle to a relationship will be the weird hours he keeps. Unless you're a total night owl or a third-shifter, you're not likely to see much of each other. And talk about a control freak! All this guy wants to do is make you a member of his harem of vamps. He talks a lot about commitment, but what he really means is your commitment to him. Also, his fashion choices are a little dated. I mean, capes? Really? C'mon, bro.
THE CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON
His amphibious nature is a draw, because it shows he's versatile and athletic. On the downside, he smells like fish. Sure, it may seem shallow, but no amount of cologne is going to cover that up. Ryan Lochte he is NOT.
The Mummy is smart and confident, which can be a big turn-on for many women. But he's also very old fashioned and stuck in the past. You'll probably find him difficult to deal with, if not inflexible. It also makes him sort of a downer to be around. He doesn't embrace new things and his perpetual self-loathing (particularly the constant mumblings of how he's "cursed") wears thin pretty quickly.
THE INVISIBLE MAN
He's never there when you need him. And then when he is there, he actually isn't. You know?
So remember: this Valentine's Day, no matter what Hollywood tells you, AVOID ALL MONSTERS.
Except Godzilla. He's a cool dude.
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