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Cops O: Manic Monday

The Top 10 Most Important Dude Ponytails

by nathanbloch   March 02, 2009 at 10:00AM  |  Views: 20,599

When a male character in a movie has a ponytail, the ponytail often says more about him than any of his words or actions. Whether he’s dangerous, heroic, sleazy, or even just bangin’ someone’s ex-girlfriend, a ponytail is a warning sign to all – there’s something a little suspicious going on with this dude. A ponytail is to men what press-on nails are to women: frightening, creepy and not found in nature. Sometimes all you need to know about a man you learn in his ponytail – otherwise known as brotail.

By Nathan Bloch

The following article does not represent the opinions of Spike TV or its affiliates.


10. Kevin Costner in Waterworld

Nothing makes a dude grumpier than spending his entire life adrift at sea, never having a patch of earth to call his own. You can only drink your own piss so many days in a row before you’re ready to either jump in the sea and drown or grow a ponytail. Kevin Costner’s character, Mariner, went with the latter option. The world was the worse off for his decision.

Despite the fact that Waterworld was a cinematic cannonball in the deep end of the box office swimming pool when it came out in ’95, soaking everyone who came near, it has left something to the legacy of ponytails. It’s true: Costner’s ponytail is one of the greasiest, thinnest, and just all around rattiest of any ponytail ever recorded on film. You’d think a guy who spends a good amount of time around water would eventually get around to washing his unkempt locks. But who needs a shower when you’ve got a ponytail?!

9. Antonio Banderas in Desperado


Source: Columbia Pictures

Here’s a guy who’s good with a guitar and a gun, and carries either of the two at any given time in his guitar case. Nothing spells badass like pulling a fire arm out of your case when everyone thinks you’re about to play a little flamenco guitar. And the Mariachi (Antonio Banderas) does just this. He’s out for vengeance and good music, and is liable to bust out a little of both in the same scene if provoked.

Few people have made the ponytail look as cool as Banderas, and few people ever will again. It never hurts to have a lass like Salma Hayek on your arm while you’re toting your weaponry and sporting your brotail – though it’s been proven that it’s twice as lethal to be attacked by a man who disguises his blood lust beneath a penchant for sweet melodies and long locks.

8. Tim Robbins in High Fidelity

It’s one thing to have your girlfriend stolen by a douchebag, and it’s another thing altogether to have your girlfriend stolen by a douchebag with a ponytail. Somehow it’s like salt in the wounds to know that your girlfriend deemed a dude with a ‘tail cooler than you. And when his name is Ian (or Ray) and he wears rings on his fingers and beads around his neck, it’s that much worse.

As Ray, Tim Robbins is the classic Ponytail Guy. You know who I’m talking about. The guy who acts like he’s super down to earth ‘cause he claims to read Lao Tze and practice Tai Chi. The guy who says he never gets angry but seems like he’s always about to go ballistic whenever he misplaces a Birkenstock. The guy who wants you to think he’s at peace with mankind but spends his Thursdays scamming on other dude’s girlfriends when they’re having a girl’s night out. The guy who wants you to think he’s not materialistic ‘cause he doesn’t put gel in his hair, but in fact spends more time maintaining his ponytail than most guys spend masturbating.

7. Richard Tyson in Kindergarten Cop

Cullen Crisp, Sr. (Richard Tyson) is a bad, bad man. That he deals drugs and shoots people is the skinny of it. But just in case the drug dealing and people-shooting wasn’t enough to tip us off that he’s a real bad guy, the dude wears a ponytail. It’s hard to say what’s more dangerous, Crisp’s penchant for drug trafficking and murder or his proclivities for ponytails. Both can be crimes against humanity, but only one is a crime against common sense.

I don’t want to spoil anything for anyone, but let me just say that usually when a man with a ponytail (or dredlocks) goes up against Arnold Schwarzenegger it’s going to get a little bit ugly, and you’d have to be insane to bet against the muscles from Austria. A better fight would have been Antonio Banderas from Desperado vs. Arnold Schwarzenegger from Twins, and you’d be wondering the whole time whether Danny DeVito would side with Arnold or his fellow man in ponytail.

6. Brad Pitt in Legends of the Fall

Brad Pitt as Tristan Ludlow is another rare guy who can rock the ponytail and actually make it look good. Of course, any guy who fights bears can rock a ponytail without breaking a sweat. Fighting bears pretty much makes you exempt from any standards of male grooming. In fact, it pretty much makes you exempt from everything.

The great part about Ludlow’s ponytail is that it’s an early twentieth century ponytail, and these are more legit than contemporary ponytails. Back in the day real men didn’t groom with as much frequency as we do now. Beards, hair and teeth were all subject to much less scrutiny. Other things were prioritized above hygiene, such as eating, breathing, and survival.

Oh, yeah – and fighting bears.