I’m not totally okay with the general state of fashion in 2009. I treat fashion like I treat my convection oven and 1997 Mazda 323. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Here are 10 fashions we can all easily embrace the reemergence of.
Source: Darrin Klimek/Stone/Getty Images
10. Fanny Packs
Source: LaCoppola-Meier/Photodisc/Getty Images
Convenience is paramount with the fanny pack. Where else are you going to hold your 35mm film and map of the area? Alternately known (by me) as a FUPA pack, the fanny pack makes no compromises for design or symmetry when it comes to hauling around your valuables. Plus: granola bar whenever you want one.
9. Hammer Pants
Don’t your balls feel pretty sweaty and confined right now? Don’t you think you would have a much easier time dancing or, say, running through a Cave of Wonders if you had a little more room to let things move down there? Oh how I miss the Hammer Pants. Although, more precisely, I was always a fan of Zubaz.
8. Member’s Only Jackets
Source: Style Bakery
Member’s Only jackets made you look and feel like a field reporter in a third world country run by a ruthless despot who could only be unseated by your journalistic rigor, wit, and general savoir faire. Also, they had a lot of pockets which is great for the same reason fanny packs are great.
7. Hypercolor Shirts
Hypercolor shirts were these amazing shirts that changed color when their temperature changed. We call that thermochromic fashion. So the big thing was to twist them up like you were going to tie dye them and then blow on that part of the shirt to see the design it made. Bonus, you had chicks (sometimes foxy, sometimes otherwise) blowing (on) you all the time. Bring it back, Hypercolor. And, by the way, I’ve got your new flagship: Hypercolor thongs.
6. Shoulder Pads
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Yeah, girls. Not very many dudes will admit this, but it’s pretty hot if it looks like you might be able to take down a AA linebacker from Texas. Plus, most of the time shoulder pads were part of a very much empowered business suit. What? I can’t be the only person out there that thinks a lady with a job is sexy. Call me a dreamer, but I want to be a stay-at-home dad when I grow up.
5. Shoes With Stuff In Them
Source: Brands on Sale
The song "Walking on Sunshine" is, frankly, not that ambitious. What about walking on gold fish? Now we’re talking. So much of today’s fashion either doesn’t make a statement or makes a statement that’s barely worth stating. Not the case with fish shoes. Of course, for you classy ladies out there, there are a few more options such as shoes with flowers in them or even Game Boys.
4. Slap Bracelets
Source: Martha Stanitz/Time & Life Pictures/Getty Images
Just because it turns out these things were made of razors, nobody wants to wear them anymore. I feel like now that we’re a little bit older, though, being made of razors is kind of an awesome thing – it’s a reason to slap those things onto your wrist.
3. Dressing Like You’re a Boat Captain
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Sometimes I want to be on a boat, but it’s not exactly pragmatic to do so. That doesn’t mean that I can’t have a merry time being maritime. Well, it does now. But that’s the point. I want to bring back the yesteryears of yacht rock if for no other reason than the fashion. Name one person that doesn’t look stunning in white pants and aviators, and I’ll take it all back.
2. Lace-Up Pirate Shirts
I’m told my dad used to rock one of these in the '70s, and I frankly can’t think of a more manly or comfortable way to cover part of your torso. You can leave it footloose and fancy-free by not tying it up, or you can cinch it down to protect against the ravages of the sea. So functional, yet so fashionable.
1. A.C. Slater Beaters
The machismo that is required to don this item is compounded exponentially when you actually leave the house and expose the people of the city to its glory. The A.C. Slater Beater (shown above) simultaneously says all of the following things so you don’t have to:
"What, no rose for me, preppie? And I thought we were real close."
Sure...”Put on something cute and MOVE it into the kitchen."
"Hey, mama, wanna have a burger with a real man?"