How To Ruin Your Music Career
Okay, so you headed out to Hollywood from your Midwestern town and hit it big in the music industry. Your freshman LP has become an international smash and you are now officially a rock star ready to take on the world. Congratulations! Now there’s only one thing left to do: f*** it up.
1. Attempt to Mimic Your Dead Rock Idols
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This has to be the first thing rocks stars have on their minds the second they get famous. It seems like every musician on the planet has used a storied path of a deceased legend to help fuel their drive to greatness.
Most of us are aware that Hendrix, Morrison, Kurt Cobain and a few other legends died at the young age of 27. So if you were a young rocker trying to make it, why would you even want to walk in their footsteps? Musically I understand, but shooting the drugs and making the same mistakes I do not. Ever since the whole rock god persona started to come into creation, up-and-coming musicians from all over the world have wanted to mimic these so-called "idols." These people are dead for a reason. Don’t follow in their footsteps. Livng the dream is harder than it looks, people.
2. Blow Your Money On Stupid S**t
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It’s well known that the second you become famous people you haven’t seen in years come out of the woodwork looking for handouts. You can either throw them the cold shoulder or be a good human and break them off a piece of your fame and fortune. The big thing to remember in this situation is that these "friends" will most likely disappear the second the money and glitz are gone. Hammer found this out real quick.
There are also numerous tales of how rock stars lost their money as fast as they made it. I’m not going blame these people for dropping millions on Hollywood Hills homes, sports cars or even drugs, but I am going to advise rock newcomers to take a lesson from these excessive legends of the industry. It might be a smarter idea to concentrate on your art instead of spending all your time buying Maseratis and gold toilet paper.
3. Do As Much Cocaine and Heroin As Possible
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Drugs have killed some of the greatest acts in the history of music. Speedballs, sleeping pills and booze have prematurely taken almost every great music mind of our time.
Heroin also has a way of turning brilliant artists into reclusive zombies who let their talent go to waste. Black Sabbath’s Bill Ward has always been one of my favorite drummers of all time, but throughout his career his playing suffered severely due to his ongoing drug and alcohol problems. Aerosmith nearly ruined their entire career in the late ‘70s due to Steven Tyler and Joe Perry’s rampant use of drugs and alcohol.
Smack is wack, y'all!
4. Have Lots and Lots Of Groupie Sex Without Protection
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I really can’t blame rock stars who got burned by fatal STDs back in the 1980s because there wasn’t a lot of information regarding safe-sex and how to go about it intelligently. I also understand that being snobby about wrapping your junk up isn’t really a rock star thing to do. Either way, it might be a good idea for a world-touring rock act not to knock up a random groupie in every single town where they play a gig.
5. Get Married
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There was a quote recently by Steven Tyler stressing the need not to "get f***in ’ married." You need to listen to this man because he's been in the music game for over 40 years. The reason why is because it can only complicate things and strip you of all the things you worked so hard to acquire. How many times have we heard the story about a legendary rock star losing everything to some psycho ex-Playboy Playmate? Answer: A s**tload. And why eat one pricey piece of meat when you can sample the entire pu-pu platter for free?