The Top 10 Most Lucrative Careers for Morons

August 3, 2010

Does the concept of learning a skill or a trade make your stomach quake? Do you lack the initiative and drive needed to become a success at a highly specialized career? School not your bag? There are actually hundreds of jobs that require little to no certification. These are the gigs that just about anyone can do and live high on the hog. We're not saying you're a moron if you have any of these jobs. In fact, if you have a high-paying position where mental gymnastics aren't required, bravo!

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By Danny Gallagher


10. Rock Splitter

Do you have an appetite for destruction? Do you like breaking stuff? Do you really hate rocks? Then we’ve got the perfect career for you.

Naturally, this construction and excavation site job has evolved from smashing rocks with a large hammer in the summer heat. Now it involves levers and buttons connected to giant machines that do the work for you, thereby furthering mankind’s inevitable domination by robots. This former career of prison inmates and chain gangs has been expanded to the public at a salary that’s practically criminal, up to $43,500 a year.

9. Medical Test Subject

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In 2006, the Centers for Disease Control found that nearly 50 percent of the American population is drugged up on some kind of prescribed medication. So chances are you’re already doing something that can potentially be worth thousands of dollars (besides masturbating).

Pharmaceutical companies always need lab rats to test out their latest medical marvels and when the actual rats die out, they turn to their human counterparts. Manufacturers and research labs pay an average annual salary of $49,000 to unleash their creations on unwitting human bodies. One tester who went “pro” makes upwards of $80,000 a year to take drugs, which is a hell of a lot more than your cousin with the skull bong collection makes for basically doing the same thing.

8. Office Manager

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If you enjoy setting up stressful environments where souls are literally sucked from their bodies by the uncomfortable glow of fluorescent lighting and substandard coffee, there’s a way to get paid good money for it until you die, go to Hell, and get promoted to “demon wrangler.”

Office managers are basically bosses with little to no authority regarding anything the company actually does, except running their office. Job duties include making sure that people with more responsibilities but less pay are doing their jobs, ordering people to purchase office supplies and equipment and ensuring a clean, smooth office operation by not interfering with it. You’ll be handsomely rewarded for your efforts (or rather your lack thereof) with an average annual salary of $49,000 a year, which you can order someone to pick up for you at payroll as a “paper retrieval.”

7. Web Surfer

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Thanks to the Internet, America’s workforce has found new ways to slack off on the job. Office drones are giggling at the latest video of fat rednecks falling into vats of sewage instead of making sure they attach the proper cover sheets to their finance reports. Air traffic controllers are mesmerized by the awesome majesty of “The Hamster Dance” instead of making sure that planes don’t fall out of the sky. Senators spend their days on the Senate floor surfing for porn instead of finding new and legal ways of outlawing it.

So if you’re going to spend all of your time cycling through the mindless minutiae of cyberspace (present “cyberspace” excluded, of course), you might as well get paid for it. Web surfers spend their time goofing around the Internet for research and marketing companies at a salary that tops out just under $50,000. It’s also the only job where you can get caught downloading porn at work and legitimately claim you were doing research.


6. Truck Driver

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Sure, traffic sucks and gas prices are through the roof, but you still love to drive. Americans get to drive some of the coolest, fastest, and biggest hunks of flaming metal on the planet and we don’t even use them for anything more complicated than a simple drive to work or a quick beer run.

And, yes, some people even get paid to drive these huge behemoths of mechanical miracles, like truck drivers. Qualifications include being able to sit on your ass for extended periods of time, eating while driving, and drinking the equivalent of a coffee IV drip, all for the ridiculous maximum salary of just over $54,000 a year.


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5. Painting Supervisor

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Watching paint dry might be more boring than watching an interpretive dance reenactment of The Godfather trilogy, but at least you can get paid for it.

These princes of primer spend their days slapping the slick stuff on buildings and houses while monitoring and prepping job sites. So if you know how to move your arm in a straight line and show others how to do the same, you can get paid over $58,000 a year for your time. It’s the most profitable form of “stroking” any man can do.

4. Automobile Service Station Manager

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Gas station attendants might get paid next to nothing for basically showing up on time (stoned or not) and ringing up Ding Dongs in between glances of a Hustler magazine. His boss, however, makes enough to buy his own army of stoned, porn mag-reading, junk food pushers.

Gas and service station managers are basically business managers, but on a much smaller scale for an industry that regularly rakes in huge profits every single quarter. They can make just under $60,000 a year, depending on how well their parent companies are doing, which usually ranks somewhere between “frickin’ awesome” or “f***ing epic” (except for BP).

3. Flight Attendant

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If you like flying and being up in the wild blue yonder, but don’t have the patience to learn such useless trivia as how to read an altitude meter and what the flashing “Low Gas” light means, you can still find lucrative work in first class and coach.

Flight attendants are basically waitresses with longer breaks and shorter hours. They hop from plane to plane serving up drinks and flinging snacks at stressed out, jetlagged customers who don’t even have the energy to complain about putting too much ice in their soda. And they can make over $71,000 a year, not to mention all the free peanuts they can eat.



2. Gaming Manager

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Casinos aren’t fun for anyone in them, except the employees. They are the only ones who are making any money.

So why not be at the top of the gaming world’s crop, where the real action is? Gaming managers spend their days wandering the floors of the casino, watching the tables, and making sure everything is on the up by looking tough. So basically, the job requires some brisk walking and the occasional Robert De Niro impersonations, which can earn you up to $85,000 a year in chips.


1. Video Game Tester

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Remember when your mom yelled at you when you were a little kid because you spent too many hours in front of your Nintendo as she screamed “You’ll never making a living playing these damn games”?

Gaming studios and production companies hire testers to play their titles before they even see the glowing light of a store shelf to judge level difficulty and keep an eye for bugs. The most experienced button-mashers can make over $91,000 a year, presumably most of which is lost to carpal tunnel rehabilitation and thumb wart pads.


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