Mediocre Baseball Team Plans to Get Fans Drunk In Lieu of Winning Games

February 17, 2010

After finishing the 2009 regular season a mere 20 games out of first place, the San Diego Padres are planning to adopt the “fat girl 2:00 a.m. last call” strategy to make themselves more popular with adult males.

Yesterday afternoon team officials announced that the stadium will be slashing beer prices by nearly 50 percent in an effort to make the game a more enjoyable experience and to help fans forget that “talented players” and “a shot at winning” aren’t what makes baseball one of America's 13 favorite sports.

But wait! Does this mean that they’re going to water down the beer like a Fraternity “Golf Pros and Tennis Hoes”-themed date party in order to save a few dollars?

Of course not!

The Padres guarantee standard alcohol percentages for the fans they respect enough to take $300 million worth of tax paying dollars to build a brand new ball park that, in no way, will help benefit the people who funded it.

(Note, the new Padres ball park now features excellent parking options, relatively little public transit, and a cheap way to get wasted during a sport that requires beer to make it interesting. There’s no way this could come back to haunt them.)

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