The Top Nine Biggest Pimps in the History of Sports
For some odd reason (that probably has nothing to do with money) professional athletes have substantially more sex than most dock workers and rodeo clowns. Whether it's their raw athleticism or easy access to painkillers, the ladies love sacrificing their dignity for 45 minutes at a Holiday Inn with a back-up linebacker. And just like the games they play, some athletes take advantage of weaker opponents a little better than others. Here's a look at nine sports figures who realized how to put up points on a slightly different scoreboard.
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9. Cristiano Ronaldo
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Dripping with tanning oil and machismo, Real Madrid’s Cristiano Ronaldo is a sexual icon whose poster hangs on the walls of every 13-year-old girl and V.D. clinic in the greater Barcelona area. Sex scandals, preludes with prostitutes and a noted affinity for threesomes make this prince of promiscuity the top pick in most Fantasy Paternity Suit leagues and a serious concern for the Hazmat department at the upcoming World Cup in South Africa.
Sources (aka friends who sold him out) claim Ronaldo regularly beds a new groupie every night and often brings back numerous women in the same evening. He also gets extra points for balancing community college educated bleacher bunnies with morally sound Mensa scholars like Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton.
8. Babe Ruth
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Babe Ruth’s roommate, New York Yankees Centerfielder Bob Meusel, once explained that after each of the Great Bambino’s sexual exploits he would leave his companion in the bedroom in order to light up a cigar in the common area. One morning, Meusel woke up to find seven cigar butts in an ash tray from the previous evening. (Enough said.)
7. Darryl Strawberry
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If there’s one guy you can trust to truthfully detail his sexual conquests, it’s an all-star baseball player with various cocaine and prostitution arrests under the “offseason accomplishments” section of his game day program bio.
Darryl Strawberry claims to have slept with 1,000 women over the course of his illustrious criminal (and somewhat notable, baseball) career. Since video replay wasn’t around in the 1980s there’s no way to verify these statistics, but given his pristine relationship with the truth and sporadic observance of child support laws, I’m going to choose to believe Seniore’ Strawberry’s sexual assertion.
6. Jerry Buss
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As one of the most revered perverts in the creepy old man community, Los Angeles Lakers owner Jerry Buss has essentially become the Hugh Hefner of NBA ownership and a father figure for blonde girls with Daddy issues throughout Southern California.
According to a new Lakers’ biography by esteemed author Roland Lazenby, “Buss and his elderly friends gather in his owner’s box at Lakers games with their young dates,” and “as for those teen-aged girls, Buss has long dated hundreds of them, usually only once or twice each, and then collected their photos in albums.”
He’s like your grandfather, but with an amazing sex life and the ability to comprehend the intricacies of a digital camera.
5. Derek Jeter
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If everybody in professional sports put together their sexual résumés and presented them to be graded, Derek Jeter’s submission would absolutely destroy the curve. He may not have the sheer numbers of Wilt Chamberlain or a young Fred Savage, but in terms of overall quality he is head and shoulders above his competition.
Mariah Carey, Jordana Brewster, Adriana Lima, Jessica Biel, and current fiancée Minka Kelly give the Yankee's captain a murderer's row of ex-girlfriends that rival Joe DiMaggio's 56-game hitting streak as the single most impressive accomplishment in the history of baseball.