After many years of numerous publications taking aim at all things famous, making fun of celebrities has become really hard work these days. Thanks, Internetz! Although, sometimes you need to get a little creative, use your noodle, and just point out the obvious.
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10. Kirstie Alley – Bag of Wet Laundry
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I know it’s mean to compare Kirstie Alley to a bag of laundry, but I don’t really have sympathy for a rich celebrity who has all the tools around her to lose weight and can’t.
On her show Big Life, Alley shares the story of her losing the weight she gained back since her Jenny Craig campaign. Such a hard life she has. I don’t care if she actually loses the weight or not, I just find it weird that she’s made an entire career for herself by just losing and gaining weight at random. Not only does Kirstie Alley look like a giant bag of laundry, the way she fluctuates weight, she’s really no different than the actual bag getting empted and refilled throughout the years. Sorry, mama.
9. Paris Hilton – Busted Barbie
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I can think of a lot of malnutritioned Hollywood floozies that are the true epitome of what a young girl should strive NOT to be, but Paris is just the creme de la crème when it comes this category.
The Barbie Doll has been a staple for little girls dreaming of the ideal lady-like life since 1959. Most young ladies have been completely fixated with the plastic fashion doll and even have had dreams of having her perfect looks and fairytale-like life. Times have changed, though. Hollywood socialites like Paris Hilton have taken over the spotlight when it comes to the attention of young girls obsessed with being beautiful/fashionable. Paris is kinda like the anti-Barbie. Did you know that a Barbie with a lower back tattoo was released last year? Girls like Paris have completely changed the game and helped turn America’s female youth--as well as Barbie--into anorexic sluts constantly on spring break. Thanks, Paris ; )
8. Larry King – Sock Puppet
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Is Larry King even real a person anymore? Can he even talk? When I watch him do interviews I truly think that the people over at CNN have a pole suck up his rear and make him speak through the magic of television. The man is basically just a pair of suspenders and not much else. Have you ever listened to his questions? He has slid to become one of the worst at what he does. This is why I believe that there is a dyslexic 8-year old controlling his every move puppeteer-style. It also sounds like he’s reading Dr. Seuss books backwards. This is the only way you could make any sense of what Larry does on a nightly basis.
7. Spencer Pratt – Douche/Douchebag
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I’ll be brief with this one because Spencer Pratt is already the most hated man on the Internet and I really don’t think I’m gonna lay out points here that are gonna push people over the edge.
Do human beings really get any worse than Spencer Pratt? Answer: Not really. With that said, what better way could you describe him than with a reference to a device used to introduce a stream of water into the body. Now it is true that a douche is meant to cleanse and rinse any body cavity, but as most women already know, it eventually does more harm than good. The same goes for Spencer. You give him a chance in the beginning just cause you think he’s being purposely ridiculous, but after a few Hills sessions, he’s become a virus and you’re now forced to deal with the monster you helped create.
6. Lindsay Lohan – Semi-Rotten Banana
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Every time you look at LiLo you can pretty much see what’s in her future. It’s inevitable. I’m not trying to be a jerk here. I’m just saying what we all know in our hearts.
Lindsay is that banana on your desk that’s still kinda good even though it has a few brown spots on it. Although the most important question is how long will it be good for? Lindsay is no different. She may look sorta cute in the face and still have some decent curves, but how long before she is completely rotten to the core? I say a few more nights at the bar and she’s ready for the garbage.
5. Andy Rooney – Melting Nacho Cheese
Source: CBS NEWS
Andy Rooney is old. Andy Rooney is really old. He’s so old that every week on 60 Minutes it looks like his face is gradually melting off his skull like warm nacho cheese from 7 Eleven. Even the skin under his eyeballs are hanging on for dear life. I don’t mean to make fun of the guy, but calling it quits might not be the worst of ideas. Comparing him to a Shar-Pei puppy might have been the first logical choice, but they are really cute and Mr. Rooney is most definitely not.
4. Donatella Versace – Fried Chicken
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Oil, heat, and a dash of plastic surgery make up the ingredients that have helped Donatella Versace acquire her lovely, youthful glow. The same goes for fried mutherf***in’ chicken. The only difference here is that Donatella did this on purpose and the chicken really had no choice. Oh yeah, the fried chicken is also extremely delicious while on the other hand, Donatella is a crusty greaseball few want to nibble on. Man, am I hungry now. Double Down, anyone?
3. Amy Winehouse – Filled Ashtray
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Whenever I look at a picture of Amy Winehouse I can literally smell the booze and cigarette butts through the photo. I know that there’s no aroma coming from the image in actuality, but Amy really doesn’t leave anything to the imagination. First off, I don’t think that I’ve ever seen her without a cigarette. It’s like they’re surgically attached to her freakin’ hand. It also looks like she rarely steps into the shower for a quick rinse. She literally has a tar film all over her body and it seems to ooze out of her with every step. The woman is a walking ashtray. I wonder if she’s ever tried to smoke her own finger?
2. Phil Spector – Chia Pet
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There have been a ton of Chia Pet options to hit the market over the years and they never cease to amaze the brain. Did you know that there are Chia puppies, kittens, and rams? S***, they even have a Chia Scooby Doo. What does this all mean? It means there’s a Chia Pet for every single ridiculous hairstyle Phil Spector ever had during his murder trial. He looked like a damn Chia Pet with a suit on. The only difference between Spector and the animal-shaped terracotta figurine is that a Chia Pet never pulled a gun on Dee Dee Ramone. I’m still trying to find out if a Chia Pet ever shot anyone in the face. I’ll get back to y’all on that one.
1. Michael Jackson - Mr. Potato Head
Michael Jackson is Mr. Potato Head. We all saw MJ grow up right in front of our very eyes and it seemed that every time we turned around, the King of Pop had been to the doctor for yet another operation that completely changed his appearance. Enter Mr. Potato Head. By the mid-‘90s it seemed like Michael was literally going into the operating room and had the doctor just pop off his old nose and plug a new one back in with the flick of a wrist. Now I know that MJ has passed on and it may seem like a very mean thing to compare him to a plastic children’s toy, but I’m talking about Michael Jackson the character and not the person. The character had become public domain, people.