The Top Seven Celebrities Most Likely to Commit Murder

June 5, 2009

After someone like Phil Spector tragically offs a cocktail waitress, we all ask how something like this could have happened. Then we start piecing certain events and odd behavior together and realize that it was inevitable. If you just open your eyes a little wider and pay attention to the details, you might be seeing the obvious demonic intentions of any celebrity or star.

7. Carrot Top

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Have you seen this guy in the last few years? He looks like a giant orange balloon stuffed with dirty socks. He’s like Bizarro Carrot Top.

It’s pretty damn likely that Carrot Top has been taking some sort of steroids and getting weird facial cosmetic surgery. Who does he think he’s fooling? The Vegas life has no doubt taken a big toll on the man, and his crappy, possibly coked-up act seems to be like a freaky image of things to come. I have always been a huge fan of Bill Hicks, and the fact that Carrot Top won the Comedian of the Year award shortly after Bill’s death has always made me believe that he would crash and burn at some point during his joke of a career.

How it might go down: Las Vegas. Luxor penthouse. Coke, hookers, and a serious case of roid rage. Weird stage props will be in full effect as well. I see Mr. Top finally letting the mixture of his extremely hyper personality and a taste for human growth hormones get the best of him. Trashy prostitutes beware!

6. Nadya "Octomom" Suleman

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This woman is so crazy it’s stupid. When super-attorney Gloria Allred was quoted as saying that, "it appeared that Nadya treated her babies as props ... as part of a TV set for those filming her," I could see right then that this woman was seriously sick. Her internal issues and need for love and attention run deeper than anyone can imagine. Even her former publicist, Victor Munoz, stated, “Nadya got real greedy. This woman is nuts.” She’s obviously mentally ill and on a path that will most likely end in a morbid scene.

How it might go down: When Octomom runs out of tricks to get attention I can see her taking more drastic measures to get the media back on her doorstep. Crazy at it may sound, I wouldn’t be surprised if Nadya tragically took the lives of herself and her children all in one fell swoop with a big pitcher of "special" Kool-Aid. It's really sad if you think about it.

5. Andy Dick

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Andy Dick is the classic case of a celebrity who just might murder someone and it wouldn't even surprise anyone in the slightest. With all the crazy drunken escapades this guy has been involved in, it’s only a matter of time before he slips up and kills a random boy toy during some kind of kinky S&M session or drunk driving accident.

We all need to understand that we are talking about a man who drunkenly walked up to Jon Lovitz and said, “I put the ‘Phil Hartman hex’ on you - you're the next one to die.” That’s just plain f***ed up.

How it might go down: I see Andy on vacation drinking lots of booze, taking handfuls of pills, and playing around with one too many escorts. These dangerous elements might eventually create a dark bedroom scene that has an untimely death in its future. I also see Andy fleeing the scene and possibly taking his own life after the fact. This guy is far too much of a punk to man up and take responsibility for any wrongdoing.

4. Amy Winehouse

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Do I really have to explain this pick? Amy has been on a rollercoaster ride towards disaster for quite a while and it seems pretty apparent that the only way she is going to stop her idiotic ways is by hurting someone besides herself. Meth is the worst drug on planet earth and from numerous reports it seems obvious that Wino has had a serious relationship with the psychostimulant/sympathomimetic drug for far too long.

How it might go down: I predict Amy will pull a Sid & Nancy-type murder. Like Sid, I can envision Amy locked up in a hotel room on a major drugged stupor with a random pal going in and out of reality due to booze, meds, meth, and isolation. It’s well known that meth can cause amphetamine psychosis which leads to delusions, hallucinations, and thought disorder. All of these elements could possibly see Amy take a life without even knowing it.

3. Gary Busey

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Did you know that Gary once snorted cocaine off of his dog’s ass? Well, now you know.

A lot of doctors have attributed Gary’s erratic behavior to a brain injury he sustained in a motorcycle accident in which he was not wearing a helmet and his skull was fractured. This injury essentially weakened Gary’s mental "filters" and causes him to speak and act impulsively. This why I am very surprised Gary hasn’t choked out a random mailman or gardener during one of his repeated outbursts.

How it might go down: Even though Gary is supposed to be “sober,” that doesn’t mean that he’s not putting an obscene amount of doctor-recommend pharmaceuticals into his body. One of these days, Gary might just crack once more and make the mistake of a lifetime. I see Busey downing a cornucopia of pills, locking himself in his home with a few firearms, and eventually shooting a so-called "intruder" by accident.

2. Courtney Love

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Remember those two weeks when Courtney Love was actually hot? She's been hanging on by a thread for quite a while now and it’s extremely surprising that she hasn’t hurt herself or someone around her permanently. I still can’t believe that she hasn’t either taken her own life or got a life-threatening beat down from some crazed Nirvana fan. Love has had numerous drug overdoses, smashed the windows of her own friend's home, and was arrested after going bonkers on a Virgin Atlantic flight. Needless to say, mama is little nutty.

How it might go down: I have this feeling that Courtney will take a friend by giving them one of her ridiculously powerful pharmaceuticals for a headache. She’ll probably just hand it over without thinking twice and accidentally overdose the poor individual in the process.

Friend: “I have a headache”

Courtney Love: “Here’s some methadone. You'll feel better in a flash.”

Some say Courtney has already killed before.

1. David Hasselhoff

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This may seem odd for the number one pick, but in the last few years, there have been numerous accounts of The Hoff getting too drunk for words. Most recently he was found barely breathing by his daughter and was rushed to the hospital to be treated for alcohol poisoning. David’s endless dance with the sauce should be a red flag to us all that he’s eventually going to hurt himself -- or maybe even innocent people around him.

How it might go down: Hasselhoff is driving s***faced down the Pacific Coast Highway and ends a life with the use of his intoxicated driving skills. He will then apologize publicly, tell the world he needs serious help, and get off scot-free. The End.

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