The 10 Most Insane Man vs. Bear Showdowns
Popular culture tends to portray the bear as a cute and cuddly being that spends his carefree days offering friendly warnings about forest fires and trying to squirm their cute, pudgy faces out of narrow honey jars. But as we all know bears could rip your face off with one swipe of its claws to use it as the meat in an open-faced honey and face sandwich.
Source: Mark Gibson/Digital Vision/Getty Images
10. Man vs. Bear vs. Sandwich
Source: James And James/Photodisc/Getty Images
Bear attacks that are caused by careless humans leaving food out in the wilderness aren’t uncommon. It’s very rare, however, that a bear will show up at a human’s house expecting free food like a slightly less hairy, unemployed brother-in-law.
A New Jersey man came to face to face with Mother Nature’s professional eating champion in the driveway of his suburban home. The bear pushed him to the ground by punching him in the face, just so he could get a bite of the delicious Italian sub sitting on the tailgate of his pickup truck. Apparently, the bear thought he could lose weight simply by eating two six-inch veggie subs for breakfast and lunch and a foot long sub of his choice for dinner, which means that park rangers should be on the lookout for an angry, overweight bear seeking to exact his revenge on Jared from Subway.
9. Man vs. Bear vs. Cell Phone
Source: Juliet White/Photographer's Choice RF/Getty Images
Cell phones have to be the least effective invention of the 20th century, just edging out in front of motion sensing car alarms, wish fulfillment self-help books, and male enhancement growth methods (it’s the least fun you can have putting your penis in something other than discovering a rat trap or Amy Winehouse is at the other end of it).
This, however, may help bring the cell phone down a few notches as a bear deterrence device. A man from New York encountered nature’s natural born paper shredder and in a fit of panic, he accidentally turned on his cell phone that started emitting a beeping noise that scared the bear, giving him and his girlfriend a chance to make a break for it. Motorola so loved the man’s story that they actually featured the tale in a short commercial film, prompting millions of Americans to purchase even more annoying sounding ringtones, which may have staved off a wave of bear attacks but also increased random assaults in libraries and elevators.
8. Man vs. Bear. vs Fist
Source: Geoff Brightling/Iconica/Getty Images
Normally, when the words “man,” “bear,” and “fist” are clumped together in the same headline, Chuck Norris is inevitably involved. This time, however, Chuck Norris had to take a sick day after contracting “swine flu of the fist” from punching pigs as part of a CDC effort to stem the disease’s rising tide.
A 67-year-old Canadian came face to face with a polar bear while he was still in his sleeping bag, his massive frame standing on his gun. So he remembered a trick he learned from an Inuit elder: he punched it square in the nose. This spooked the bear and he scampered off into the frosty wilderness, presumably in search of a penguin that could kiss his boo-boo to “make it all better.”
7. Man vs. Bear vs. Molars
Source: Ryan McVay/Digital Vision/Getty Images
The average human being wouldn’t think of punching a bear in the face if they came face to face with one. Probably the most common form of first strike is urinating on oneself in the hope that the scent will scare them off or at least make them laugh long enough to create a window of escape.
One Chinese man was able to up the aforementioned “bear puncher” by fighting fire with fire. He climbed into a panda bear enclosure hoping to “hug” and “shake” the bear’s paw, but the panda wasn’t feeling too friendly and instead bit a big chunk out of his leg. The man was abhorred at the bear’s lack of proper greeting etiquette, so he responded by biting the bear back in the back.
And yes, in case you still have to ask, the man was very drunk. The panda’s blood alcohol level could not be obtained by presstime.
6. Man vs. Bear vs. Brains
Source: Natphotos/Digital Vision/Getty Images
Any park ranger will tell you that if a bear wants a bite of the food that you’ve so carelessly brought into the national park, the best thing you can do is give it to them. That includes any vital human organs.
A Canadian man who was being mauled by a large grizzly (a.k.a. nature’s Slap Chop) somehow survived his painful ordeal, despite the fact that the man could feel the bear eating his brain. The bear snuck up on the man and started gnawing away at his skull, right down to the grey matter. The man decided to play dead, which isn’t too hard when a bear is using your skull as a soup bowl but the bear suddenly stopped. The man managed to drive himself to safety, despite the fact that part of his brains where oozing out of his skull. Who says you need brains to complete the most basic human functions? I mean besides Paris Hilton and most of the Democratic and Republican candidate caucuses.