The Top 10 Items You Won't Believe They Counterfeited
5. Cigarette Papers
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There are many things that make sense to counterfeit. Zig Zags are not one of them. Especially not $16 freaking million worth of Zig Zags.
We're going to use our writing talents and come up with the exact scenario where millions of dollars worth of fake joint wrappers were produced:
Counterfeiter #1: Dude…like, dude. Have you ever like…looked at your hand?
Counterfeiter #2: No. No, hands are for…
Five minute pause, then fits of giggles.
Counterfeiter #2: I am so baked!
Counterfeiter #1: Hey, I was thinking…we spend so much money on rolling papers, dude. We should, like, make cheaper ones. But call them by the name of the fancy ones! Like we did with that toothpaste.
Counterfeiter #2: Dude, awesome!
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Usually, as you might have noticed, these counterfeit products tend to come from a certain country that we won't identify except to say they have the most population and an absolutely terrible human rights record. However, far be it from us to claim that the Chinese have any sort of iron grip on anything other than the thoughts and actions of a billion people. No, sometimes, large corporations that are almost as scary can pirate products too, usually their own.
So it is with Proctor and Gamble, which got in trouble over unloading "waste" amounts of its shampoos on Canadian distributors. Apparently P&G thought they could just say, "Yeah, don't fake our bottles", and it wouldn't occur to the guys buying shampoo by the drum that they could rebottle the stuff, and if that actually happened, they probably just shrugged and said "Hell, it's only Canada". That's what you get for being too polite to complain, Canucks.
3. Christmas Lights
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Yes, the joy of Christmas can be just as fraudulent as the emotions of bitter, twisted families who refuse to talk to each other the other 364 days of the year, but coming up with fake Christmas lights seems to just be rubbing it in.
Nonetheless, they do exist. And, actually, they reflect the true spirit of Christmas: they look nice, and work for a while, and then burn your house to the ground. And then your parents start drinking, and your sister turns into a hobag, and you never get that Super Nintendo you were promised…
Not that that ever happened to us.
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Here's a dirty little secret: soda costs nothing to make. Seriously. That Jumbo Mega PorkGulp? It cost the gas station you bought it from approximately a nickel. Maybe a dime. And what'd they charge you? Uh-huh.
But, there is nothing so powerful as greed, and some beverage providers in Britain realized that they already had the Coke and Pepsi stickers on their fountains…so why not buy Generi-Cola, and make…a penny or two more?
We guess it adds up, but really, guys? You couldn't do something to make money counterfeiting that had even the resemblance of being bad-ass?
1. Baby Formula
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Believe it or not, fake baby formula is big business. Seriously.
Take the case of Mohamad Mostafa, who decided to sell substandard baby formula as Similac, and managed to move 3500 cases and go on the run for six years before getting banged up on federal charges. Investigating that turned up another 10 operations in eight states. There are even cases of criminals selling fake baby formula to farmers in, where else, China.
We haven't found any execution-style murders or violent baby formula smuggling rings yet, but give it time, we're sure it's coming.