The 10 Most Annoying People You Meet at the Gym
5. The Judge
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It’s human nature to look at people and have just a gut reaction to them based on their outward appearance without finding ways to overcome such shallow criteria. Of course, it’s harder to move on to the second category when you’re staring at someone with the pupil strength of a high-powered telescope.
He or she doesn’t have to say anything to make themselves known. They just have that piercing stare that makes them look as though their gaze is cemented on the person or persons they are physically undressing with their eyes. They seem so fixated on someone (or worse, you) that you can just imagine them practicing at home as they time themselves removing clothes off a mannequin with nothing but their eyelids. The hardest part is definitely trying to remove the bra strap.
Personal Heroes: Tom Leykis, Hugh Hefner, The Hubble Telescope
Familiar Sayings: “Mmmmmm,” “Daddy likes,” “Ow! My corneas!”
4. The Grunter
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Working out is hard work. You are constantly pushing yourself to the edge of your physical threshold to improve lung function, increase your heart’s endurance, and build muscles you didn’t know you had. Your voice box, by the way, isn’t a muscle, so it has no use in exercise unless you’re trying to beef up how stupid you sound.
These vocal exercises can let an entire room of sweaty iPod-listening exercisers know exactly what exercise they are doing just by the sound of their gutteral, subhuman expressions. A series of small high-pitched grunts means they are doing their core exercises. Their long, throaty wails indicate they're doing some heavy lifting. Their loud and sudden “Ooofs” either means they've accidentally dropped a heavy barbell on their tongue or someone annoyed by their loud grunts has done that for them.
Personal Heroes: Monica Seles, Clyde from Any Which Way But Loose
Familiar Sayings: “UNNNNNGH!”, “ARRRGGGG!”, “You mind turning your headphones down? I can’t hear myself think.”
3. The Sneaker Squeaker
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Nothing tortures the mind more than a tiny, seemingly harmless sound that’s repeated over and over until it echoes in your ear. In fact, it’s a wonder that NBA games don’t have more crazed players turning on the fans. Well, more than they already have.
Your friend and his pair of lucky workout shoes spend an hour creating a musical medley of squeaks, squirts, and squits. They don’t just make a very annoying noise. They repeat on cue with every step he takes across the basketball court or they bounce off the walls of the racquetball court and assault the naughty parts of your ear drum. He might think his special shoes are lucky because they help him earn a win, but he really doesn’t know that he’s just lucky that you don’t show him how to grip his gym racquet without using his hands.
Personal Heroes: Dr. Scholl's, Friction
Familiar Sayings: “Do you hear that?”, “I told you I was good at juking,” “Speak up. You keep mumbling something.”
2. The Hairy Mess
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Scores of backwoods hermits and drunken hunters keep claiming to have seen a large hairy creature with human-like qualities roaming the woods in their backyard. I’ve actually seen something similar too. He works out at my gym and he turns every piece of exercise equipment into a fitness-themed Chia Pet.
It’s hard to know what’s more impressive: the fact that God has granted him with so much hair on every part of his body except his head or the fact that so much of it falls out and seems to grow back twice as fast. Either God granted him extra hair in exchange of common decency, or a strong sense of clinical hygiene habits, or he’s trying to save up enough of it to knit a fur coat for his wife on their anniversary.
Personal Heroes: Robin Williams, Cousin Itt from The Addams Family, Clyde from Any Which Way But Loose
Familiar Sayings: “Nah I’m good, I don’t need a shower”, “Phew! What died in here?”, “Hey, mind if I use your towel?”
1. The “Never Should Be Naked But Always Is” Guy
Source: Hans Neleman/Photodisc/Getty Images
And just when you’re ready to leave this physical and emotional test of human endurance, you come face to face with the most ghastly sight of all. At least, you better hope it’s face to face.
He (or she, but I’m assuming most guys aren’t that picky) parades around the locker room without a care in the world and the only way you can remove the image of his freedom from your mind is if you bleach your brain and throw it in the dryer on permanent press. And just as you try to avert your gaze, he always tries to strike up a conversation with you whether you know him or not or even want to know him or not. It’s enough to make you physically lose your lunch. The irony is if you just did that before you started working out, you would not have had to go the gym in the first place.
Personal Heroes: Janet Jackson, Adam and/or Eve, Their “lipo-guy”
Familiar Sayings: “Don’t worry, I’ll pick that up for you,” “Man it’s cold in here...”, “See you in church, my son."