The 10 Most Annoying People You Meet at the Gym
The gym is like an office for insane people. However, unlike the daily torture chamber that we all call “a job," people actually pay gyms to get physically and emotionally tortured on a daily basis. It shouldn’t be this way. Gyms should have to pay us to go to their fitness-themed S&M clubs, especially since we have to deal with these aerobic a-holes.
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By Danny Gallagher
10. The Show-Off
If you’ve reached an ideal weight and a body that would make most Greek gods green with envy, stay the hell home. You don’t need to go to the gym. You’re already ahead of the fitness curve. Just stay at home, do some bench presses with your house, and leave the rest of us to sweat and wheeze in peace.
Those who don’t heed this warning go to the gym for one reason: to show the world just how strong, fast, and agile they are over the rest of their blubbery brethren. They aren’t there to make sure they burn off their excess calories or get in their daily 10 miles. They actually pay good money to go to a public place and silently brag about their ability to process food faster than a garbage furnace when they should be spending it on self-improvement therapy, steroid detox, or clothes that aren't ill-fitting spandex.
Personal Heroes: Jack LaLanne, Jillian Michaels, Their Personal “Juicer” (the person, not the appliance)
Most Familiar Sayings: “I’ll bet I can bench her!”, “More weight!”, “I have never used steroids. Period.”
9. Mrs. “Don’t Look at Me!”
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I’ll never know the self-conscious feeling women experience at the gym. Sure it’s hard for anyone trying to get into shape to be surrounded by such false perfection, but at least women can look at the fit guys and swoon without getting a rape whistle blown in their face.
The gym may be full of extremely hot women, but it’s really hard to gauge that number because so many of them glare or outright complain about you staring at them for a period longer than five seconds. Can we help it if nature’s creator hard-wired the males of the species to look at beautiful women the way that a hungry lion looks at the meat trolley at Tony Roma’s? If God didn’t want men to fully appreciate the female form, he wouldn’t have given us the stripper pole, the Internet, or eyes.
Personal Heroes: Darva Conger, Vidal Sassoon, Medusa
Familiar Sayings: “What are you looking at?”, “Stop staring at me!”, “Put away that camera phone.”
8. The Warrior
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Life may be a giant competitive rat race where the last rat standing gets whatever cheese is left over after the IRS is done with it, but it shouldn’t be that way at the gym. It should be a temple of relaxation and personal improvement. It’s too bad they don’t come with therapists because this guy could use one.
You and your buds are about to enjoy a quick 30-minute game of basketball, but to him, every point is another step towards ultimate glory or never-ending death. His competitiveness turns him into a snarling beast of personal taunts and extreme disappointment, especially when absolutely nothing is at stake but the score on the board. He’s the reason your gym requires you to leave a driver’s license at the desk when you borrow their basketballs because he keeps leaving bite marks in them after every game.
Personal Heroes: John McEnroe, Bobby Knight, Coach Reilly from The Mighty Ducks
Familiar Sayings: “Get your head in the game!”, “That was so NOT a foul!”, “Just because your leg’s broken doesn’t mean you’re dead!”
7. The Human Sponge
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Gyms are a breeding ground for germs, bacteria and other microscopic beings that set up shop in every excretion the human body can muster. It’s not really a huge problem unless you’re a huge germophobe who has to wipe down everything with sanitizer from your hands to the bottle that’s housing the sanitizer.
Most germ fears are created by this gym regular who sweats so much that he could use his bodily water to refill his car’s radiator and still have enough left over to irrigate a small Vietnamese village. He sweats so profusely that his footprints leave shoe-shaped puddles wherever he goes and his smell lingers like a haunting cheese fart that gave birth to asparagus. And he always uses the machines you use right before you use them. It’s not that he means to be rude or doesn’t wipe down the machines before you use them. The problem is that no towel on Earth has that much absorption power to clean up the flash sweat floods he leaves behind him.
Personal Heroes: The Sham-Wow Guy, The inventor of Brut
Familiar Sayings: “Nah I’m good, I don’t need a shower”, “Phew! What died in here?”, “Hey, mind if I use your towel?”
6. The Drill Sergeant
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Everybody needs motivation just to get to the gym. And even when you find the strength to put on pants and go down there, it’s hard to find a reason to not just spend the entire night hitting on the cute girl at the juice bar or enjoy free cable news.
Most people hire a trainer or bring a friend who knows what they are doing. Some of these so-called “helping hands” think that everybody should be able to do as much as they can do and somehow, the power of their loud, obnoxious voice will shame your muscles into overcoming the laws of human physics. Not only are they constantly in your face as you try to avoid giving yourself a hernia, but they can be heard in the spinning class in the gym in the next county over as they scream “Push” more times than the world’s busiest gynecologist.
Personal Heroes: R. Lee Emery, Their high school gym teacher, That voice in their head that keeps telling them how much they suck
Familiar Sayings: “Fight it!”, “(Water/Oxygen/An ambulance) is for winners!”, “Don’t give me that ‘I’m having a heart attack’ excuse.”