John Mayer's Advice to Tiger Woods: Masturbation

January 20, 2010

In a bizarre new interview with Rolling Stone, John Mayer speaks candidly about past loves and how masturbation could solve all your problems.

John Mayer is on the cover of the current issue of Rolling Stone. In an article titled "John Mayer: Dirty and Lonely Heart," the 32-year-old opens up about an array of issues and gives Tiger Woods some much needed (and strange) advice. Mayer says Wood’s problems could have been solved by masturbation. Mayer should know, saying, “I have masturbated myself out of serious problems in my life. The phone doesn’t pick up because I’m masturbating. And I have excused myself at the oddest times so as to not make mistakes.”

Mayer then adds, “If Tiger Woods only knew when to jerk off. It has a true market value, like gold bullion. First of all, I don’t jerk off because I’m horny. I’m sort of half-chick. It’s like District 9. I can fire alien weapons. I can insert a tampon. No, I do it because I want to take a brain bath. It’s like a hot whirlpool for my brain, in a brain space that is 100 percent agreeable with itself.”

Who knew life’s problems could be solved so easily. I’m sure Tiger Woods wishes Mayer had passed on this little gem of advice several years ago, it might just have saved him hundreds of millions of dollars. Then again, it sounds like Tiger can't really do anything about it at this point.

To top it all off Mayer also says he’s an expert masturbator (some might say "jerk off") and is quoted as saying, “I am the new generation of masturbator. I’ve seen it all. Before I make coffee, I’ve seen more buttholes than a proctologist does in a week.” One of the reasons for this is because Mayer can’t land a date. Since the whole brouhaha over his break-up with Jennifer Aniston, Mayer says women aren’t interested in him, saying, “Blowing me off is the new sucking me off!”

No wonder he doesn't get laid.

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