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The Top Eight Signs You're About to Die (if You're in a Movie)

by TheJeffKelly   May 17, 2010 at 10:00AM  |  Views: 2,628

4. You Like to Follow the Majority in a Time of Crisis

Source: Thomas Hawk/Flickr/Getty Images

Quick - what do you do in a panic? When disaster strikes, what's your course of action? For a lot of people, this would probably include wetting themselves and weeping openly, followed by the time-honored tradition of running for your life or looting. We'd go with looting, honestly, because hey, free iPad. Anyway, another course of action would be to find out what everyone else is doing and follow the herd.

Well if you're ever in a movie and in a big time crisis scenario, this is a mistake. If you seem to be in a situation in which the world might actually end, like in Day After Tomorrow or 2012, or if you're ever in a predicament in which it seems all hope is lost, like The Poseidon Adventure, it's probably a bad idea to follow the majority. Typically, there's one outsider offering sage advice, and he's turned into the outsider basically because he's the only person using logic. So if you're a fan of rational thinking, this is your guy. Stick with him. Of course if you're not a fan of logic, well, have fun freezing to death, and remember that you should have listened to Jake Gyllenhaal.


3. You're Visiting a Famous Landmark

Source: Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer

Let's say you've managed to avoid death through those first five items. You've earned a vacation, wouldn't you say? After all, avoiding imminent danger at every turn can be pretty stressful, so you hop on a plane and head off for a relaxing holiday. Just be sure that wherever you go, there's nothing famous there. Seriously, it's for you own good, because if you ever visit any famous landmarks, odds are pretty solid that the day you're touring the White House is the day it gets blown right the hell up.

If movies such as Independence Day, 2012, North by Northwest, and, well, pretty much every disaster movie ever made have taught us anything it's that when disaster strikes, it will do so in only the most recognizable places on earth. So if you need to take a vacation, maybe you should try someplace like, oh, Winnipeg. We hear it's nice this time of year!

2. You're Someone's Mentor

Source: MGM/UA

This may be a controversial stance to take, but you should probably avoid being helpful or teaching anyone anything valuable. At least, when you're in a movie. Because lord knows that if your role in a movie is to be the wise mentor to some snot-nosed little punk who needs to learn a lesson or two, you're pretty much done for.

Now it could all work out for you if your name is Obi Wan or Galdalf or Dumbledore, because even though they both ate it they eventually got to come back and continue to be useful in one way or another. But what if you're not a space wizard or, well, a regular wizard? What if you're a hardened Chicago cop helping out Elliot Ness, or an old boxing trainer priming your Italian Stallion for the big fight? We can only hope that Mickey didn't come back as Rocky's jock or, maybe even worse, that weird robot in Rocky IV.


1. You're Someone's Best Friend

Source: Paramount Pictures

We're going to get it out of the way right now: friendship is a hazardous endeavor. It's probably not a popular philosophy, but sometimes loners are better off than a lovable chum. That's exactly why if your best friend is suddenly at the heart of perilous adventures, you can bet that your number is just about up.

That's why Bubba never stood a chance when he opened his big fat mouth and started hanging around with Forrest Gump, and it's why at the end of Shaun of the Dead, there was just no way Ed stood a chance. Frankly, the more we think about it the more we're starting to think that if you find yourself in what appears to be a movie you should probably do yourself a favor and cut off all human contact. It's really your only chance for survival.


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