The Top Eight Signs You're About to Die (if You're in a Movie)
Let's pretend for a moment that you're a movie character. So what are you? Probably a little taller, more slender, you've got a six-pack, and you're great with an AK-47. But if you want to survive in this new movie life of yours, there are probably a few things that you won't want to be. If you're any of the following things, well, let's just say we hope you have your estate in order...
Source: 20th Century Fox
By Jeff Kelly
8. You're a Man of Faith and/or Questioning Your Faith
Are you a religious person? Are you spiritual in a way where people look at you and say, "Hey, that dude's seriously digging God's vibe?" Not necessarily Christian, but you could simply be a man of faith. You believe in a higher power. Or, let's say you used to but something has happened that has you questioning your faith and wondering if there really is a God.
Well the good news is the likelihood that you'll wind up meeting your maker has just increased. If you're in a movie, that is. Just ask Gene Hackman in The Poseidon Adventure, or Billy, the spiritual Native American warrior in Predator who, being said spiritual warrior, felt it might be a good idea to embrace that. He was mistaken. In Gene's case, he finally cracked and called out God. What happened? He bit it. Apparently despite being a preacher, he was unfamiliar with the concept of "the wrath of God."
7. You're a Bad Guy Who's Going Soft and/or Conflicted
Source: Miramax Films
Okay, so let's just start out by saying that, obviously, if you're siding with bad guys in a movie your chances of biting the dust increase exponentially. When the "good guys" come in guns blazing and you fire back, your bullets are about, oh, 50 times more likely to miss than theirs are. Well, unless you're fighting the A-Team, in which case everyone's going to be missing everyone.
But if you do start on the side of evil it's probably in your best interest to stick with that side. No one likes a flip-flopper, and when you start buddying up with a good guy, who is usually undercover and trying to take your organization down, things aren't going to end well for you. And if he finally reveals who he is? You're extra screwed, because that means you've got about a day, tops, to live. Just ask Al Pacino in Donnie Brasco or Harvey Keitel in Reservoir Dogs.
6. You're on a Path to Redemption
Source: New Line Cinema
But let's say you're someone who decides that yes, you do want to become a better person. You've had enough of being a douchebag and you're ready to turn over a new leaf. You sheepishly look at your good guy friends and quietly mumble, "My bad, guys." And hooray, they forgive you for some reason despite the fact that all you've done is serve as a giant deterrent in whatever mission it is you're on! Yeah, we're looking at you, Boromir from Fellowship of the Rings.
Well chances are you're going to end up just like poor Boromir, who spent most of the movie acting like a prick before finally seeing the light and deciding the best course of action would be to protect a couple midgets from a giant army of Orcs. First of all, he probably should have known better, but hopefully you will too if ever faced with a similar situation. When it comes to movies, redemption is for suckers.
5. You're an Arrogant Douchebag
Source: 20th Century Fox
We have to admit, if you're hanging around inside of a movie and you're acting like a giant douche, you probably deserve to die. It's kind of cinematic karma for the cocky a-hole to bite it, which is precisely why you want to avoid walking around acting like you own the joint and everyone is beneath you.
Take it from Ellis in Die Hard, who learned that doing coke and trying to hook up with John McClane's wife while also calling Hans Gruber "bubby" might not be the best idea in the world. Look at a guy like Bump Bailey in The Natural, who figured out the hard way that being an arrogant ballplayer will only lead to you dying in an unintentionally hilarious way. The point being, if you're a flaming ass and you're standing in the way of the hero doing what he does best (save the day, ruin baseballs, etc.) your death is, frankly, kind of necessary. This just makes it all the more baffling that James Spader has ever survived a single film he's been in.