10 Girls and How To Bring Them Home

August 21, 2008

Hey fella, down on your luck with the ladies?  Tried everything did you?  Well here's one last thing to give a whirl.  There're 10 types of girls in this mad, mad world.  Meet the girls after the jump, what they like, and a little bit of advice as to how you might give it to 'em.

The Cheerleader


The cheerleader wants you to be.  Aggressive.  B-e aggressive.  Subtelty is not the name of the game for this 200 watt blonde.  She wants to see what you've got, where you've got it, and the trophies you've earned with it so far.  Not a muscelhead?  Not a problem.  Whatever your good at should be gilded and prominently displayed for her wide-eyeliner'd admiration. 

On the Radio: Jock Jams get her super psyched

At the Bar: Gatorade or Bud Light on draft

On the Table: No. Carbs.

The Girl Next Door 


It shouldn't take too much to get her over.  Perhaps the most important feature of your bachelor pad if you're wooing this homegrown hottie is a piece of string and 2 tin cans.  Seriously, though, if she's literally from the area, a your-place-is-my-place-and-is-by-extension-our-place(to have sex) design aesthetic is your best bet. 

On the Radio: Let's watch a movie

At the Bar: Have her bring a 6 pack.  Then you have the upper hand.

On the Table: Deceptively casual popcorn to be eaten from her lap.

The Foreigner


This one is a bit of a sticky wicket.  The general consensus on the other side of our red, white and blue boarders is that American men fall on the somewhat less refined spectrum of gentlemen callers.  You must walk the thin, mauve border that acknowledges your shabby cultural roots but suggests a basic understanding of the niceties and elegance of a well-traveled man.  Best solution:  The Globe Bar

On the Radio: Techno, but quietly.

At the Bar: Absinthe, ouzo, - anything weird that is distilled from a seed or root.

On the Table: Half portion sizes.  Cheeseburgers for irony.

The Athlete


This is the girl that hates the cheerleader, and not in a sexy slapfight sort of way.  These are the soccer and lacrosse players.  The girls that like the top because you don't have the VO2 Max required for it.  You need to step up to the plate in a very physical way here. Equipment should be visible, but clean.  Don't leave your dirty cleats up, but a BASE jumping helmet hanging on a hook is a good start.  Trophies should be stored, but easily-accesible so that when your planned-to-appear-spontaneous self references comes up, showing them to her doesn't seem contrived.

On the Radio: Let her choose.  She's driven.

At the Bar: She works hard, she plays hard.  Hard A.

On the Table:  Her.  Buy a fold-away massage table.

The Vamp


This girl only goes to Disneyland ironically, and when she's there she scares children.  She's very dark, but I guess that's your thing, so here's some tips.  If you're already a gothic lothario, you don't need my help making your dungeon any more dungeon-y.  But, if you're just looking to take a walk on the wild side, here're a few things that won't make normies run for the hills. Black-out curtains to maintain your ghostly pallor and a copy of Nightmare Before Christmas on VHS (or Beta!?) should get you started. But, it might be more important to take away things than to add them.  No Will Ferrel movie posters allowed.

On the Radio: Your Halloween Mix

At the Bar: This

On the Table: Candles.  Probably black ones.

The Hippy


To lure a hippy mistress out of her hemp hammock and into the circular bed of free love with tie-dyed sheets, go ahead and put a hemp hammock and a circular bed with tie-dyed sheets in your place.  Don't worry too much about the specifics, these are an accepting, socially and sexually liberal lot by and large.  This scenario, in fact, allows you to maintain a great deal of your own personal design aesthetic.  Maybe over the fireplace you have the antlers of the buck you shot when you were 17.  Maybe now they're an ancient Celtic symbol of fertility bestowed on you by a Druid priest when you were backpacking in Britain for 3 years.  Maybe.

On the Radio: Dave Matthews Band

At the Bar: Vegan wine.

On the Table:  Pita bread and icky-looking paste

The Artist


She's not an artist because she likes the way things look.  She's an artist because she likes the way things are.  She'll see your prints from Target, know they're masterpieces, but only see that they're prints from Target.  You're much better off populating your wallspace with etsy.com or supermarkethq.com.  Don't lie to her, or yourself, or your landlord, or the Lord, or she'll probably know and resent you for it.  Also: steal some sketches from an artsy friend and leave them visible but apparently tucked away.  Oh, what? Those old things? Naw, those're nothing.

On the Radio: Something Lilith Fair-esque with better lyrics than music

At the Bar: White wine

On the Table:  Something frail and dainty like her

The Punk Rock Girl


The punk rock girl likes rock n' roll, she likes stayin' up late, and she likes chaos.  You might consider not investing a lot of dollars in your pad if this is the type of broad you're shooting for, as there is a good possibility of actual shooting in your place.  Especially if you have things that're especially fun to fire a pistol at like whiskey bottles, or record collections. Bittersweetly, these are two of punk girls favorite things to not shoot at.  What a gorgeous enigma she is.

On the Radio: Punk that she's not heard yet

At the Bar: Whiskey bottles (half full) Tequila bottles (shot at)

On the Table: Table?

The Cougar


The cougar - the older (but un-old), snarling, predatory, she-minx.  It is a rare and dangerous hunt, the hunt of the cougar, but it is a worthwhile endeavor, indeed.  Truth be told, the cougar has most times made her decision to devour you by the time she's through your door.  But, there's still room to screw it up, kid.  You should be clean and efficient.  You should know what you're going to give her cause she knows what she wants from you and it isn't to wait while you rummage around for what kind of cereal you have.  A utilitarian approach, a 1-shot kill you might say, is your best bet. 

On the Radio: Your makeout mix.  Down with subtlety

At the Bar: Vodka or Gin martinis.  Minimal garnish

On the Table: "Let's skip dinner."

The Sexy Librarian


Oh how I love the bookish ones.  By far, the largest erogenous zone throughout the human body and, oh, how the sexy librarian is STACKED with grey matter.  She won't be wooed or dazzled with your home stereo, she'll want something impressive to be coming out of it.  As is always the case with librarians, it pays to do your research. You better know her personal card catalogue ahead of time so you can stock a few favorites and use whatshouldireadnext.com to impress her with suggestions.

On the Radio: NPR

At the Bar: Red wine

On the Table: Continental