Back For Blood PT 1: Modern

January 25, 2011

Disclaimer: I don't own Deadliest Warrior; but I wish I did.

Waring: If you haven't read any of my previous fights, you are about to experience spoilers! You Have Been Warned.


This season, we've had 26 ancient era warriors, but only 13 have survived.

Alexander The Great, the warrior king
(We see Alexander fire a bolt from his gastraphetes into Shaka Zulu's chest)

The Ninja, the master assassin
(We see the Ninja slam his kusarigama into the Maori's neck)

The Viking, the berzerker norsman
(We see the Viking use his long sword to slit the gladiator's neck)

The Pirate, gun-totting master of the high seas
(We see the Pirate toss a grenado at the samurai, then duck behind a rock)

The Rajput Warrior, India's greatest fighter
(We see the Rajput throw his Chakram and decapitate the Aztec)

The Roman Centurion, the elite of the Roman Army
(We see the Centurion Commander stab the Ming Commander through the heart )

William Wallace, the powerful Scottish rebel

(We see William Wallace slicing off Sun Tzu's head with his Claymore)

Vlad The Impaler, the black hearted prince of darkness
(We see Attila The Hun being impaled in Vlad's throne room)

The Musketeer, the greatest solider of the French army
(We see the Musketeer Commander shoot the Spartan Commander in the face.)

The Apache, the scalp taking master of death
(We see the Apache smash the Zande's head with his War Club)

The Celt, the unstoppable barbarian of the north
(We see the Celt spear the Comanche through with his Lancea)

The Mongol, one of Asia's greatest horseman
(We see the Mongol slice the Knight's throat with his Ild Sword)

The Shaolin Monk, the passive master of killing
(We see the Shaolin Monk behead the Persian Immortal with a quick swing of his Twin Hooks)

We also had 18 modern day warriors go head-to-head, and only nine lived to tell the tale.

The IRA, masters of guerilla warfare
(We see the last yakuza killed by nail bomb as the last IRA flees from the hotel)

The Medellin Cartel, the drug runner elites
(We see the Cartel leader hit a button, then the Viet Cong's jeep explode)

The Jesse James Gang, the fastest shooters in the West
(We see Jesse shoot the last Somali Pirate in the Chest with his Colt Revolver)

SWAT, one of the toughest police forces around
(We see the last KGB get sniped by the SWAT's Remington 700).

The Spetsnaz, the most powerful force in the Russian army
(We see the Spetsnaz leader shoot a hole through the Mafia bosses' head)

The CIA, America's greatest assassins
(We see Al Capone's face blow off by an Exploding Cigar)

The Nazi SS, ruthless fanatics with a taste for death
(We see the Nazi Commander burn the Taliban Leader with his Flammenwerfer 41)

The Navy SEALS, the greets military force from America
(We see the Navy Seal commander kill the Green Beret commander with a few SIG Saucer shots to the chest)

The Israeli Commandos, Israel's top Special Forces
(We see the GSG-9 killed by a Semtex bomb)

But That Was Last Season!

Will these Warriors be able to maintain their superior status? Or will they soon fall from their pedestals? Will the Losers rise from the ashes of defeat, to seize victory? It's time to find out, on this, the beginning of the next season of:


We'll start off this season; by brining back two modern day fighters who triumphed over their lesser foes. They both want victory, but only one of them can have it! In this fist half of the Back For Blood special, let's put these modern day warriors to the test!

Deadliest Warrior, Chapter 23: IRA vs. Medellin Cartel

The Irish Republican Army; unstoppable urban guerillas who waged a bloody savage war for Irish independence. The IRA have proved themselves before, when they blasted the Yakuza off the street and straight into the morgue.
(We see the IRA blowing up a Yakuza base).

The Medellin Cartel; Colombia's killer drug lords who built the world's largest cocaine empires. The Medellin Cartel have already expanded their empire once before in the DW circuit, when they killed a group of Viet Cong who dared opposed them.
(We see the Viet Cong boss blow sky high with a Car Bomb).

                                                  WHO IS DEADLIEST?
To find out, our world class fighters are testing histories most lethal weapons. Using 21st century science, we'll see what happens when the two warriors go toe to toe. No rules. No safety. No mercy. It's a duel to the death, to decide who is....THE DEADLIEST WARRIOR!

Height - 5' 11"
Weight - 180 LBS
Armor - None
Gear - 30 LBS
Wins: 1 (Yakuza)

Medellin Cartel:
Height: 5' 9"
Weight: 175 LBS
Crimes: Cocaine Trafficking
Reign Of Terror: 1975 - 1993
Wins: 1 (Viet Cong)

Narrator:  Here in the Fight Club, we take four weapons used by Irish Republican Army:

Sling Shot
AR-15 Armalite
LPO-50 Flame Thrower
Nail Bomb

Narrator: and pit them against the weapons of the notorious drug cartel:

M60 Machine Gun
Mini Uzi
Car Bomb

Narrator:  Since both of these warriors have already entered our arena before, we can forgo the testing of said weapons, and skip right to judging. Any tests we need to do will be done at the team's discretion.

Narrator:  First, the most basic weapons in are warriors arsenal: The IRA Slingshot, and the Cartel Machete. Team, your thoughts?

Geoff: I think that while the slingshot has potential to be lethal, it just isn't in the same league as the Machete.

Max: Agreed. When this goes into the simulation, we're going to start seeing hits from the slingshot first, but I'm willing to bet the Machete will get the first kill.

Dr. Dorian: So we're all agreed then? Because it only has a small area where it can be deemed effective, and lacks lethality, we give the close range edge to the Machete.

Medellin Cartel

Narrator: Our next test, our combatants will use show off their heavy duty firearms: The Cartel M60 Machine Gun and the IRA AR-15 Armalite.

Geoff: I'm just saying it now, I loved the AR-15. It just felt so right.

Dr. Dorian: I don't Geoff, M60 seemed, to me anyway, to have a lot more stopping power then the Armalite.

Max: But if I recall the M60 jammed twice during testing. Just once is bad; twice is a disaster. The Armalite only jammed after we had to literally poured water down the barrel. My vote also goes to the Armalite.

Edge: IRA

Narrator: The third test will be to test out two very different mid range weapons: IRA Flamethrower against the Cartel's Mini Uzi

Geoff: Wouldn't it be better to use a different IRA weapon here? Like the Webley or the HK?

Max: Actually, while the Webley is a gun, it's not the same class of gun as the Mini Uzi. A standard revolver against an Uzi would be rather unfair. And the sniper riffle is the wrong range for this test.

Dr. Dorian: I have to agree with Max here.

Geoff: Okay, that being said, I think the LPO is a horrific weapon. You said it yourself doc, even if you get out of the flames, once it hits you, you're pretty much done.

Dr. Dorian: That's true, but I think since the Uzi has a greater range and more fire power, it has an edge over the LPO regardless.

Max: And I agree. I love the LPO but the Mini Uzi seems like it'd hit the IRA before they ever had the chance to use it.

Edge: Medellin Cartel

Narrator: For out final test, things get explosive as our two teams try to give the most bang for the buck with: The Medellin Car Bomb and the IRA Nail Bomb.

Dr. Dorian: I think, if we compare these two, I'd go with the Nail Bomb. While the explosion is not as big, the shrapnel more then makes up for it.

Geoff: And when you think about it, the Car Bomb is so situational. The IRA's bomb at least has a little more versatility then that.

Max: Yeah, but come on, the size of the Car Bomb's explosion is enough to take out a whole group of people.

Geoff: Yeah, on both sides. My vote to the Nail Bomb

Dr. Dorian: Agreed.

Edge: IRA

Narrator: With all the testing complete, Max Geiger uploads the data gathered from the tests into the battle simulation, developed by Slitherine Studio, to simulate a battle to the death between these two warriors. To make sure that victory isn't snatched by a single lucky blow, the battle will be simulated 1000 times. Who will win in this battle of opposites? The IRA, who fight for friend and country? Or the Medellin Cartel, who fight for power and profit?

Close Range Edge: Medellin Cartel's Machete

Primary Firearm Edge: IRA Armalite

Secondary Firearm Edge: Medellin Cartel Mini Uzi

Explosive Weapon Edge: IRA Nail Bomb

It's time to find out which warrior is truly the deadliest. Max hits the button on the computer, and suddenly the screen goes "Matrix" on us.

The fight takes place at a Medellin Cartel hideout in the dead of night. Inside, no salsa music was playing, as the Cartel was conducting serious business. They were getting ready to move a large amount of drugs to the streets of Ireland. After they had set up the base in Vietnam, they had moved northward. Like in 'nam, they were encountering some resistance in the form of the IRA; but the Cartel weren't really that worried.

Meanwhile, outside the hideout, five IRA agents made their way toward the place. The IRA felt confidant they could take out the Cartel. This wasn't the first crime syndicate that had tried to taint Ireland with it's presence. The head of this particular squad had been the one to plant and detonate the bombs that destroyed the Yakuza gang base.

Outside the hideout, the leader ordered two of his men to start their plan. Both men took out their slingshots, and fired several metal pellets through a window. The glass smashed, and they could hear the Cartel inside yelling out. A moment later, a hail of bullets shot out the window in retaliation, but by then the IRA had moved on.

The Head Cartel nodded to two of his men, ordering them to check on the situation. They both took out their Mini Uzis and headed outside. After a moment, he hears a shout, and sees a stream of fire shoot past the destroyed window. Deciding that now would be the time to get out now, the Cartel Boss took his last two men, gathered what they could of their drug supply, and prepared to leave.

Slightly Earlier Outside:

The two cartel walked cautiously outside, clutching their guns. Hearing a rustle in the bushes, the turned and opened fire. For a moment all was still, it looked like they had overreacted. Then, one of the Cartel heard a loud whooshing sound, and felt a heat coming from behind him. Not stopping to see what it was saved his life, as he dove out of the way just in time to avoid being barbecued. His partner, however, was not so lucky. With a scream of agony, he was roasted to the bone.

Turning over on the ground, the Cartel started to fire his Uzi again. While it would have been hard to pick out the IRA attackers due to their camouflage, the one with the LPO on his back was easy to spot. He was also easy to hit, as the Cartel proved when he pumped the man's chest full of lead. A second IRA appeared behind him, and managed to hit him in the eye with a slingshot pellet. He fired in that direction, but the IRA was already gone. While in pain, and blinded in one eye, the man still managed to get back inside the building.

IRA: 4
Cartel: 4

The Cartel boss and two of his men rush to exit the building, but before they can, two IRA gunmen smash through the windows and open fire with their AR-15s. Boss the boss and his right hand man go right, heading out a side door. The other Cartel dives behind a stack of crates, knocking over a table with an M60 on it. Grabbing it, he moved around the crates, sticking to the shadows as much as possible. When he was close enough, he leapt out, firing his Machine Gun at the IRA. The IRA leader managed to dive out of the line of fire; but his second in command was not as lucky. The bullets riddled his chest, and he fell to the floor dead. Rolling over, the IRA commander fires back from the floor. The Cartel is hit in the shoulder, but his gun jams before he can fire back. A second burst from the Armalite pierces the Cartel's head, ending his life.

Looking over his shoulder, the IRA nods to his fellow IRA who had just climbed in through the shattered window. The man informs him that everything is ready. Walking over to their fallen comrade, the second IRA reaches down and takes his gun. Together, they follow after the Medellin Cartel Boss.

IRA: 3
Cartel: 3 

Deeper in the building, the IRA with the slingshot was walking the halls; his slingshot pocketed in favor of the assault rifle. Following secretly behind him, was the now one-eyed Cartel member. The Cartel snuck from the shadows, Mini Uzi in one hand, a Machete in the other. He planned to kill the IRA with the Machete, so that he could cause this little bastard the same pain that was inflicted on him.

Deciding the this was the time, he raised his Machete and charged. Hearing his footsteps, the IRA turned and fired when he saw the Cartel. A few struck his stomach, but the Cartel was in to much of a blind rage to care. Before he could fire some at the Cartel's face, the mad man was on him. With a single swing, he'd separated the gun from the man, along with the entire arm. The IRA backpedaled as quickly as he could, staring at his bloody stump of an arm. Before he could flat out run however, the Cartel pumped a few rounds from his Mini Uzi into the larger man's legs. The IRA collapsed to the ground, crying out in pain. He looked up just in time to the Machete stabbing through him.

Removing his weapon from his dead foe. He turned and started to walk off. But his vision was becoming blurry, and he was starting to feel cold and numb. Looking down, he saw that the bullet wounds to his stomach were worse then he'd first thought. Stumbling, he fell flat on his face, his eyes suddenly very heavy. He tried to push himself up, put found that he lacked the strength. Deciding he just needed a quick rest, he closed his eyes and blacked out. From there it didn't take long for him to bleed out from his wounds.

IRA: 2
Cartel: 2


After they ducked into cover, the Cartel boss saw that they were in the buildings garage. Right now only his seconds car was here, which suited the boss just fine. He really didn't fancy doing what he was about to do to his car. Reaching into his overcoat, the boss took out a bungle of TNT. Hearing footsteps heading toward them, he tossed the bundle into the back seat of the car, before rushing out through an adjacent door, and slamming it shut.


The two IRA walked into the garage. They had heard the door slam, so they planned to keep following. But as they walked past the car, one of the IRA happened to look into the car. His eyes widened when he saw the bundle of dynamite that looked like it was about to go off. He shouted a warning to his boss, who ordered they double back.

At the same time, the Cartel boss had heard them come in, and when he figured they would be close to the car, hit the detonation switch.

Back in the room, the bundle began to beep rapidly as it prepared to detonate. Knowing they didn't have much time, the IRA tried to flee just as the bomb exploded. The IRA leader had been closer to the door, so he was thrown out, sore but alive. The other, who had been closer to the bomb blast, was thrown into the wall, where he snapped his neck. After checking his solider's pulse, the IRA leader was forced to carry on.

IRA: 1
Cartel: 2 

Running through the maze of hallways, the Cartel boss found his way back to the main entrance, the exit door just feet away. Just as he was about to run to open it, he stopped himself. These IRA guys were know for their deviousness, and setting up booby-traps. Instead, he ordered his second to open it for him.

Just as he was about, the IRA leader came flying around the corner, his Armalite blazing. Never one to be outgunned, the Cartel boss took two Mini Uzi from his coat and returned fire. While the two of them were engaged in a battle of bullets, the Cartel's second in command decided that now would be a good time to beat a hasty retreat. He ran as fast as his legs would carry him to the exit, and threw the door wide open.

Now, what none of the Cartel could possible know, was that before the battle ever really got started, one of the IRA had rigged the exits of the building with powerful Nail Bombs. That was why the IRA had come through the windows. Because if the doors were opened, they would……


IRA: 1
Cartel: 1

The Cartel boss was throw to floor by the force of the explosion, shards of shrapnel cutting at him from behind. He realized that he'd been right about the door, and that because of that, he was know alone in this fight. He reached out to pick up the guns he'd dropped, but they were kicked out of reach. He looked up to see the IRA leader glaring at him with a mean look in his eye. Before he could say anything, the IRA gunned him down, not blinking as a flick of blood landed on his black ski mask.

His task done, the IRA headed outside through the now smoking exit. He steeped over the pieces of the nail riddled Cartel that lay by it, and proceeded to run off to the meeting point. Even though his heart was heavy, he knew that this had been an important victory. Raising his hand, he shouted to the heavens: IRELAND!!

Winner: IRA!

IRA: 520

AR-15: Armalite: 315

Nail Bomb: 130

LPO-50 Flame Thrower: 70

Slingshot: 5

Medellin Cartel: 480

Mini Uzi: 190

M60 Machine Gun: 130

Car Bomb: 100

Machete: 60

Narrator: In this climactic battle, it was the IRA that gunned their way to victory over the Medellin Cartel. Once again, his best weapon was the Armalite, which scored over half the kills in the simulation.

Geoff: I'm actually surprised that the IRA won this fight. I thought that the Medellin Cartel had the better weapons.

Dr. Dorian: I'm actually not surprised. The IRA are great at working in small groups. They're used to taking on better armed and better funded groups of people.

Max: I agree. Also, if you break it down it comes out like this: The Machete was easily better then the Slingshot. The M60, while powerful was faulty, and the AR-15 is at the very least equal to the Mini Uzi. I think the two bombs are relatively equal, but perhaps the nail shrapnel was what pushed it over the edge. And that just leaves the LPO. And as Geoff mentioned, the LPO is a horrific weapon on the battlefield, even if it does leave the one holding it in a precarious position.

Dr. Dorian: Exactly. But despite all that, the Cartel actually seemed to do pretty good in this fight. They didn't win, but they got closer then the Yakuza did.

We see the IRA back at the hideout. While his superiors are happy that he'd managed to take out his high priority target, they are annoyed that he managed to lose his entire squad. Already, the IRA is training his next team, hoping that the next time they are sent out on a mission, things will go much smoother.

The End.

But Stay tuned! The Second half of this back for blood is not far off, where we will bring back two Ancient Warrior Winners!