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The Top Seven Awesome Things You Didn't Know About Steven Seagal

by nathanbloch   March 13, 2009 at 10:00AM  |  Views: 28,883

3. Steven Seagal was poisoned in 1994 by a mysterious opponent

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Source: Warner Bros./Getty Images

Seagal has never determined just who exactly it was that poisoned him back in ’94, but it’s pretty clear at this point that whoever this nemesis is, he’s smart enough to stay hidden.

We all know by now that this unnamed foe conquered neither Steven Seagal’s health, spirit, or acting ability, as all are to this day thriving and well. But things could’ve turned out much different had Seagal not wisely sought the medical advice of a Brazilian witch doctor. This doctor promptly expelled all demonic spirits from Seagal’s liver and kidneys and left him stronger in the places he’d been broken – though his ponytail never regained the thickness and shine it had before the poisoning. It was a small price to pay to keep Seagal in this world.

The moral of this story is: Do not secretly try to kill Steven Seagal, because it won’t work. But if you do try, don’t use poison, because Steven Seagal will have a spell cast on his kidneys. To be a secret nemesis of Seagal is to be a man engaged in a futile pursuit.

2. Steven Seagal broke Sean Connery’s wrist

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Source: AFP/Getty Images

Seagal was employed to do the fight choreography for 1983’s Never Say Never Again, and was put in charge of personally training Sean Connery. While working with him he managed to break the star’s wrist, unbeknownst to Connery until years later. Which is a lesson right there: Steven Seagal can break you without you even knowing it. You might walk away thinking everything’s fine and dandy, but your bones know better.

The fact of the matter is that Seagal has had troubled relations with many of the actors he’s worked with. Julianna Margulies, while working with him on Out for Justice, described him as “the biggest jackass.” And at 6 feet 4 inches, she’s not joking, either – whatever Seagal is, he’s definitely the biggest. The rapper DMX and Exit Wounds co-star said of Seagal, “Steven Seagal is a f***ing s***head. With f***ing spray-on hair.”

Another story about Seagal, stunts, and a co-worker involves the legendary stuntman Gene LeBell. Seagal was on set and made the claim that nobody could ever choke him out. LeBell took him up on his offer and the two had a little wrestling match. LeBell had him in a choke hold and Seagal couldn’t get out of it, going so far as hitting him in the crotch to escape. Eventually Seagal lost consciousness, urinated himself, and later blacklisted LeBell from getting hired again, resulting in a protracted lawsuit.

Who was the real winner in this scenario?  Clearly, it was Seagal, not only for allowing himself to be beaten and humiliated, but also for pretending that he hadn't allowed himself to be beat and humiliated on purpose. Genius.

Clearly Seagal tends to inspire envy in those he works with, which is something we can’t really hold against him. But more important than what those say about him is what the man says about himself. Striking a philosophical tone, Seagal said of himself, “I am hoping that I can be known as a great writer and actor some day, rather than a sex symbol.”

I haven’t read any books or poems by Seagal, but I think we can all safely say: Mission accomplished, sir. Mission accomplished.

1. Steven Seagal had a tuxedo tailor-made to conceal two firearms

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Source: Time Life Pictures/Getty Images

I think this fact alone really says everything about the man, the myth, and the legend that is Steven Seagal. Most people, when they leave work, clock out, go home, and relax. Not Steven Seagal. Seagal is on call all the time, which is why he needs to make sure when he’s out partying at black tie social events he’s showing up fully loaded. What’s the point of being a one-man murder machine if you aren’t packing at least two handguns?

The fact of the matter is, if we actually know that Seagal packs heat in hidden compartments in a tailor-made tuxedo, what other weapons is he holding that we don’t even know about? Throwing stars in his cuffs? Knives in his sleeves? A collapsible rocket launcher in his pants?

The man is a walking weapon, but he’s not going to just show up at some charity function like it’s all s**** and giggles. Anyone who’s been the go-to guy for the CIA his entire adult life knows that when the poop goes down you gotta be ready to shoot everything in sight. The guns, knives, and bombs he conceals on his person are like an extension of the aphorism his life represents: Healthy living is remorseless killing.

The message here is pretty simple. When you invite Steven Seagal over for dinner, don’t ask him to take his shoes off, because he might decapitate you with a battle axe in his sock. The fact that Seagal is by all appearances a slow, overweight, narcissistic fraud incapable of hurting anything other than his own reputation simply means he’s expertly manipulated you into putting down your guard.

Always respect Steven Seagal. The guy is a big friggin’ deal.

 

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