The Top 10 Most Blood-Soaked Video Game Weapons

November 17, 2008

One of the best parts about video games is escaping from your humdrum reality.  You probably don’t have a gun that fires a spiraling cone of death into the cerebellums of your reptile enemies.  Some of us here at the office do, but we understand they’re relatively rare in the general population.  But hope is not lost!  You can taste the sweet nectar of carnage through that plasticized controller in your hands.

10. Turok 2 - Cerebral Bore

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The Cerebral Bore (or “brain-seeking missile”) is a weapon that locks on to an opponent's ripe melon, launching a whirling dervish of destruction at it, allowing the assailant (hopefully you) to watch as the target's consciousness was literally drilled out of their skull.  It has a somewhat sluggish targeting mechanism, but when launched, that tell-tale dentist drill sound becomes the harbinger of some airborne grey matter (and likely a broken controller). 

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9. Shadow of Rome - Curvy Sword

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This game is pretty much the Cesarean wet dream of a sadistic bloodsport enthusiast.  So, needless to say, it's pretty devastatingly gory.  You use a variety of weapons throughout, but whatever that curvy Greek sword is does the majority of the slaying.

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8. God of War - Blades of Chaos

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I remember the first time I wielded the Blades of Chaos.  In the opening of the first God of War, there is no tutorial; you just mash buttons when surrounded by Mediterranean undead.  To my wonder, a steely tornado of chained gore began whirling around the tattooed body of our favorite anti-hero. It was almost balletic, except there were more viscera exposed. More, please. 

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7. Resident Evil 4 - Chicago Typewriter 

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Resident Evil is one of the most delightfully gory franchises, and Resident Evil 4 tops the heap as the bloodiest.  It’s hard to choose just one weapon from this game, but the undeniable panache of the Chicago Typewriter (a.k.a. The Thompson Machine Gun a.k.a. The Tommy Gun).  Who says killing zombies has to be uncivilized? 

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6. Condemned - Sledgehammer

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Condemned: Criminal Origins is a game that the developers say was inspired by such feel-good flicks as Se7en and The Silence of the Lambs.  So, you can imagine to sort of skullduggery that the protagonist, Ethan Thomas, gets into as a criminal investigator.  Probably the best of his shenanigans involves smashing his opponents to a squelching mess with a sledgehammer. 

 

5. Soldier of Fortune 2 – Any Gun

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As a shooter with a Quake III engine, Soldier of Fortune is not alone.  As a tool for dismemberment, at least, it’s at the top of the pile (of limbs).  In this game you can literally shoot your enemy's face off.  Look at that picture.  See how his face is gone.  That was because of you, soldier.  Freedom!  

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4. The Suffering: Ties that Bind - L.A.W. (Light Anti-tank Weapon)

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Ties that Bind is a game where, at the beginning, you have to choose whether you’ll be gunning for the good guys, or bombing for the baddies.  That’s kind of interesting.  But it’s not as interesting as wielding a Light Anti-Tank Weapon, (a.k.a. the L.A.W.) This is a gun for fighting tanks.  You should probably shoot walking sacks of meat with it. 

3. Mortal Kombat - Goro’s Four Hands

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Goro, you four-armed demon of destruction, you monosyllabic warrior wearing a man-diaper.  How can so blunt an object yield so many precisely-delivered, almost surgical, blows to the dainty cheek and breastbones of, say, Sonya or Johnny Cage?  It is because Goro, as prince of the Shokan, is kind of a bad mamma jamma.  That’s why. Now watch him drain his opponents of their sticky life force.

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2. Gears of War - Lancer

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The Lancer is an obvious choice, granted, but it’s obvious because it’s so damn good.  Hypothetical internal monologue:  Well, I’ve got this sweet machine gun.  It kills a lot of dudes, and that’s great.  But it’s just not fulfilling my raging sociopathic tendencies.  Ideally, I’d like to taste the blood as the life leaves my enemy's eyes.  How!?  How can I achieve this? A most modest goal…

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1. Dead Rising - Shower of Blood

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I realize this may be a controversial pick, but I’m basing it on most of us not enjoying the visceral splash of blood because we really want to see real blood splashed.  It’s because we laugh with relief and giddy joy when we realize that a person is, indeed, not being split from butt to breast with a chainsaw.  And, in that spirit, I invite you to play Dead Rising and spear a water pick into your enemy's head, showering them in their own humiliation.  And, of course, by humiliation I mean fetid zombie blood. 

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