Halloween is here and so are the slash-fest movies that horror buffs live for. But this week we’re not going to look at the bad guys who make butchering look badass, we’re going to look at the villains who are the most ridiculous, the most laughably stupid, the most unrealistic. Because nothing ruins what could’ve been an awesome horror movie more than a killer who is less scary than your aunt Mildred’s applesauce.
10. Santa in Santa’s Slay
I need to provide the disclaimer that this movie is, in fact, trying to be funny. Still, the idea of Santa Claus (played by wrestler Bill Goldberg) being a demon who lost a curling competition a thousand years ago who is forced to spread cheer and goodwill for the next millennium, only to revert back to his murderous ways once he’s made good on the terms of the bet he lost, is really uninspiring. The only good part about the movie is the first scene, where Santa massacres a family of gentiles enjoying a Christmas dinner. I mean, any time James Caan is getting killed, it’s going to be cool—the man knows how to die. Nonetheless, even in a comedic slasher it’s pretty hard to get amped about a Santa who slaughters. Thanks but no thanks.
9. The lawnmower man in The Lawnmower Man
This less-than-faithful adaptation of Stephen King’s short story gives us Jobe Smith (Jeff Fahey), a mentally disabled gardener, as the killer. With a regimen of mind-altering drugs and virtual reality training, thanks to Dr. Lawrence Angelo (Pierce Brosnan), Jobe gains super intelligence and uses it to kill anyone who gets in his way. Which is, apparently, everyone. He doesn’t just kill people in real life, he kills them in Angelo’s virtual world, too. And he also likes to use his lawn mower. *Yawn* No wonder King wanted his name taken off this project. Most people don’t think of super smart nerds when they think of horrifying killers, especially ones who use the internet as their great get-away plan. The only people this would scare would be the people who work at Comcast.
8. The snowman in Jack Frost
It’s hard to imagine a less frightening killer than a snow man, but that’s exactly the killer we have on our hands in Jack Frost (not to be mistaken with the film of the same name that came out two years later and was a strange children’s movie about a father who becomes reincarnated as a snow man to spend time with his son). A serial killer gets magically mutated during his car ride to get executed, then puts all his snow man energies into killing the sheriff who caught him in the first place. Here are some weapons I would use to combat this holiday-friendly foe: a blow dryer; a portable space heater; a microwave; an electric blanket; a trip to Florida. This is not brain science. This is just stupid.
7. The gingerbread man in The Gingerdead Man
Gary Busey must have been tripping on something pretty strong when he signed up to play the lead in The Gingerdead Man. Busey plays Millard Findlemeyer, a killer who dies in the electric chair, only to come back to life when his soul inhabits the body of a gingerbread man. Dead-set on exacting revenge on the girl who put him there, he goes on a spree of what can only be called extremely cute murders. Once again, it seems as if everyone actually confronted by the Gingerdead Man would have a lot of easy, even enjoyable, options at their disposal: cover him in frosting; put him on your Christmas tree; put him in a tin of other gingerbread men and give him away as a gift (with a warning, of course); eat him. This killer seems less of a problem for law enforcement and more of a homemaking opportunity for Martha Stewart.
6. The Serial Insane Clown Killer in S.I.C.K.
A group of five people take off for a weekend of camping and proceed to have copious amounts of sex. The filmmakers of this movie managed to squeeze in a little time for their Serial Insane Clown Killer, who picks off the campers one by one. Clowns are, by and large, pretty scary all by themselves, and thus this movie might have done alright in more competent hands. The problem is that there’s more sex than murder in S.I.C.K., and the murder that does happen is overshadowed by the fact that Stephen King already wrote the scariest book, which became the scariest movie, about clowns of all time: It. There is simply no way any clown can ever compete with Pennywise the Clown. It's just not going to happen. Rumor is there’s a remake of It in the works – now that’s a movie I’ll be in line to see.
5. The Blair Witch in The Blair Witch Project
Considering that five or six filmmakers went out into the woods with little other than some camping gear and a video camera, The Blair Witch Project was a success. But when you really look at the movie, you realize that there’s nothing there – no insane back-woods inbred psycho, no man-eating bear, no human-dissecting aliens; nothin’. All we get is some kind of ghost – or witch – that we never actually see, and somehow we’re supposed to believe that this witch magically removes the campers from their tent each night and leaves their leftovers at the door in the morning. We get sound effects produced by smashing stones together and snapping dry twigs, and we get hysterical screaming into the camera. Much like my little brother’s fourth grade video report on fungi of the forest, a little of this goes a really long way. Too long, in fact: they made a sequel, and it’s even worse. Talk about much ado about nothing…
4. The Plants in The Happening
M. Night Shyamalan’s latest masterpiece is baffling on so many levels. You have the career-ending performances (Mark Wahlberg really outdid himself this time); you have the nonsensical storyline; and then you have the villain that’s so ominous it doesn’t even needs knives, teeth or claws. That’s because the villain is grass. And trees. And flowers. And bushes. And weeds and vines and ferns and all plant life everywhere. But these aren’t evil man-eating plants like a six-foot Venus fly trap, these are just…plants. And apparently the plants have come up with a way to make people kill themselves. But, luckily, at the end of the movie they stop. Why? Because M. Night’s script could only be so long, he had to end the movie somehow. And so the plants stop. I don’t think I’m the only one who left the theater after watching The Happening and went straight to the first tree I could find and gave it a big hug and said, “I love you tree. Don’t worry about the mean movie that man made, I know it’s not true. And luckily for you, no one is going to go and see it.”
3. The leprechaun in Leprechaun
This film definitely doesn’t lack for originality, and it even boasts the not-yet-famous Jennifer Aniston. Before she became the beloved Rachel of Friends, and then Brad Pitt’s wife, and then John Mayer’s hussy, she played Tory Redding in Leprechaun.
The problem with the leprechaun in Leprechaun (played by Warwick Davis) is that the evil little man that goes around scaring the living bejesus out of everyone is in danger of being stepped on. Did it never occur to anyone to simply put him in a box and Fedex him back to Ireland? Or to just tell him where his damn gold is and let the little bugger take off? I guess not.
The Leprechaun franchise has only become more ridiculous as it’s progressed. There is now a Leprechaun 4: In Space, Leprechaun: In the Hood, and, yes, Leprechaun Back 2 tha Hood. This is a franchise that needs to end. Someone needs to find a new cereal to base a horror series on.
2. Jason Voorhess in Jason X
It’s hard to argue that Jason Voorhees is anything other than one of the most terrifying slasher villains in existence. To this day, anyone wearing a hockey goalie mask away from the ice rink can sneak up on and scare anyone unlucky enough to be the recipient of such a prank half to death. Jason has become a cultural icon of death and indestructibility and pure, vengeful evil.
But Jason X was just too far. I mean, come on, the man already did Manhattan and went to Hell – do we really need to send him to space? Four hundred and fifty years in the future? After being cryogenically frozen? Too far, I say.
The worst part about Jason in this movie is that after the crew of the space ship uses their secret weapon – a bionic woman who apparently has access to much bigger guns than the security forces that get torn to shreds by Voorhees, and who is only put to use once he slaughters damn near everyone on the ship – to blow him to shreds, he just happens to fall back on the magical medical table that can apparently fix any and all injuries – even blown-apart zombie heads.
Of course, this begs the question: if this medical table can take an annihilated Jason and put him back together (and improve upon him: he comes out half-metal and sporting a freaky new metal mask), why didn’t people onboard the ship put the security forces back together after they’re slaughtered and give them bigger guns? And why did this medical table make Jason more powerful and more evil and more indestructible? And made of metal?!?
Sorry, Jason just gets way too many breaks in this movie to be at all believable. The filmmakers should have left him at the bottom of Crystal Lake where he belongs.
1. The monsturd in Monsturd
In case the title didn’t tip you off, Monsturd is not a winner. You’ve got a killer on the run from Jonny Law, who eventually catches up to him in a sewer and shoot him down. Unfortunately for the world, serial killer Jack Schmidt falls into a noxious mix of chemicals from Dutech and human feces. When he emerges, reinvigorated, he is a half-man half-poop monstrosity, and proceeds to share his smelly wrath with the world.
Poop is a lot of things – it’s stinky, it’s gross looking, and it’s often a taboo topic at cocktail parties. But it’s not scary, even if it’s been reincarnated as a serial killing maniac. Monsturd is a monster of a turd and really has no redeeming qualities. Do yourself a favor and avoid this piece of crap.