The Nine Most Annoying People Who Use iPhones

April 7, 2011

Whether you’re a die-hard PC lover or a Machead, it’s hard to deny the impact that Apple has made on society with the technological wonder known as the iPhone. It has made touchscreen technology part of our everyday lives and helped usher in a new age of communication. It also brought the world these iHoles.

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9. The iZombie

In what might be the most brilliant marketing tactic in technology history, Apple has somehow made their brand into some strange symbol of modern hipsterdom. Owning an iPhone is somehow a sign that you’ve managed to buck the system and become an individual, just like the other 8.75 million humans who did the exact same thing.

To these people, the iPhone is more than just a way to check your email, send out a Tweet, or (God forbid) make a phone call. It’s a whole way of life. It’s the merging of communication and religion and as such, guides their entire way of thinking from their choice of coffee (usually Starbucks) to their Internet provider (also usually Starbucks). And they just have to convert you to their way of life, like some tech-friendly Jehovah’s Witness. Chances are if you don’t, they’ll eventually bite you in the hope that they can infect you with their illness.

Most Common Sayings:

“I never go anywhere without my iPhone.”

“I don’t know what I’d do without my iPhone.”

“‘Braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains,’ it’s my favorite app on my iPhone.”

8. The iHater

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Not all Apple customers are happy-go-lucky zealots. Some also live on the other end of the spectrum in a constant haze of seething rage at the little black box that lives in their pocket.

These people voluntarily purchased an iPhone hoping for the same euphoria and nirvana that so many other iPhone users have achieved (hint: they’re really, really high), only to learn the lesson again that nothing is as good as it seems and disappointment looms around every corner. And because they are stuck in a contract that would cost them a key piece of their physical anatomy to escape, they instead deal with every dropped call and busy signal with loud sighing, guttural grunting, and constantly clenched teeth. There isn’t a Vicodin big enough to quell their pain.

Most Common Sayings:

“Godflabbitdagnabbit, why doesn’t this stupid thing ever work?”

“Do you have any aspirin?”

7. The iDriver

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Every cell phone is a driving hazard in and of itself. It takes your eyes and mind away from attention to the road and the paths of your fellow passengers, creating more unnecessary accidents hazards than a drunken coed with her daddy’s Sea-Doo.

The iPhone is like a giant set of blinders for human drivers. Its multiple uses (phone, email, game console, paperweight, etc.) make it three times as distracting for the average driver who wants to do more than just make calls on their magic traveling talking box. So as he or she is checking their Facebook statuses or the latest cheap buy that they just got an alert on, they are also forgetting that are driving a giant two-ton block of metal on wheels that operates according to Isaac Newton’s laws of motion, just like every other out-of-control object on the planet. Unfortunately, they don’t learn this lesson until after the third or fourth time a round of Words with Friends has made them crash into the playroom of an orphanage.

Most Common Sayings:

“I swear, officer, that house just jumped right out in front of me.”

“Oh, the light’s green...”

“Lemme just get my insurance agent on the phone. I’ve got an app for that.”

6. The iRinger

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Once again, every cell phone has the ability to carry this annoyance, whether it has an “i” at the beginning of its name or not. The iPhone, however, aims to “think different,” whether that’s reinventing the concept of the cell phone or increasing its douchiness for the person who carries it.

Annoying ringtones are part of the cell phone culture, but the iPhone’s are twice as ear-grating because of the level of volume one of these things can produce. Its standard collection of ringtones alone, like the twanging “Pinball” sounds or the “Old Car Horn” tone, are annoying enough to feel like a fork is being shoved into your temple every time someone dares to make it ring. It can make any public place sound like a wacky morning radio show, only not as witty or urbane.

Most Common Sayings:

“I should really put this thing on ‘vibrate.’”

“Well ain’t I Mr. Popularity?”

“Is that my phone?”

5. The iNvisible

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By their very nature, cell phones are meant to be distracting and intrusive. They make you stop whatever you're doing by being as annoying as possible in order to shut it up and then take you away from that activity as long as possible by...shoot, my phone’s ringing. Hang on.

Anyway, the iPhone has twice as the capability to isolate a person from their surroundings by sucking them in and immersing them in a fake world of information and communication. Trying to talk to someone who is so engrossed by the image on their iPhone is like trying to divert a hungry dog’s attention away from a juicy Beef Wellington with one of the cat’s playthings. Someone really needs to make an app that hits iPhone users in the face with a rolled up newspaper.

Most Common Sayings:

“Uh huh, yeah, yeah...”

“Sure, whatever you just said is what I think.”

“I am so paying attention.”

4. The iMacGyver

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One of the biggest selling points of the iPhone is its ability to utilize many different services. It isn’t just a phone and a text messaging device. It’s a calculator, a calendar, a bank account manager, a television, a portable movie theater/studio, a sound mixer, a camera, a camcorder, a sexting machine, and in some cases, a very effective self-defense device, depending on how far you can stick it in someone’s eye.

Of course, most iPhone users have their phone stuffed with more useless utilities than a kitchen device purchased through SkyMall because they can’t wait to have the right app for the right situation and the right time. Unfortunately, that time never comes so they end up announcing that they “have an app for that” for situations that apps haven’t been even created for yet. The only time they are really useful is when they are being held up at gunpoint and the mugger not only needs something valuable, but also easy access to their personal bank account and identifying information.

Most Common Sayings:

“I’ve got an app for that.”

“I’m sure I can download an app for that.”

“Stupid iPhone never has enough memory for all of my apps.”

3. The iLight

Source: Image by Ivo Berg (Crazy-Ivory)/Flickr/Getty Images

The iPhone is basically just a giant screen, so if you’re in a darkened movie theater or trying to sleep, the constant glow of the screen can turn any darkened room into a giant Laser Floyd show, only not as likely to cause epilepsy. It’s so bright that there are actually apps that can turn the iPhone into a hand-held flashlight. That means Fleshlights are probably right around the corner. At least iPhone users can screw their phones for once, instead of the other way around.

Most Common Sayings:

“My eyes hurt.”

“Who said that?”

“Who gets cataracts in their 20s?”

2. The iScreamer

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No cell phone user is immune from bad reception or the occasional dropped call, but iPhone users seem to have the problem more than others because their devices are being bombarded by every communications tool on the planet, from Facebook to Twitter to those paper cups telephones you used to make in kindergarten.

That means the majority of their minutes are spent wandering around whatever location they have to be in, trying to find the magical hot spot that will let them have a normal human conversation or screaming into their phone. Because as pro wrestling has taught us, talking louder and slower decreases the language barrier.

Most Common Sayings:



“Anyone got a Sucrets?”

1. The iBragger

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All great forms of technology and advanced communication are only as useful and grounded as the person who is using them and if you’re this type of iPhone user, you really just need to go back to those old phones that hang in the gift shops at Cracker Barrel.

They don’t just wait for the most opportune time to actually use their phone. They go out of their way to show off their technological hipsterdom at each and every opportunity. They never excuse themselves when a call comes in, even if it’s ultra personal like the results of their urine test or paternity suit. They always leave their phone in plain sight during meals, wedding receptions, and funerals. They spend every last possible second trying to talk on them on a plane, both before it takes off and as it shoulder-rolls toward the Earth because, hey, rollover minutes are rollover minutes.

Most Common Sayings:

“Let me just look that up on my iPhone.”

“Can you please hand me my iPhone?”

“So just where should I stick my iPhone?”