What The Florida?!

June 14, 2012

A bunch of terrible and evil things have been happening in sunny Florida, the beautiful swamp that has always been a hub of reasonable behavior for the entire U.S. The most shining example would have to be the recent face-eating of a naked homeless man by a naked crazy man, which was allegedly fueled by a mind-shattering drug known as Bath Salts, which can be easily purchased at local area gas stations. That went down in Miami on May 26th.

Six days earlier in St. Petersburg, a 46-year-old-woman flew into a beserker rage and choked a 14-year-old boy in the middle of Tyrone Square Mall. The reason for the attack? He posted some mean comments about her daughter on Facebook.

When the news hit headlines, a few St. Pertersburg-ians got mad at the boy.

Random opinion giver Meryl Esping commented on the Huffington Post, "I can understand exactly why this woman was so rage filled. Did she break the law? Yes she did. Is there a better way to have handled the situation? Probably, but at least she stood up for her kid and tried to protect them and in my book that makes her a hero."

Of course, Floridian abnormalities involve the Internet as often as they do violent crime. Take the case of Hialeah's Eddie Gonzalez, who used to be known as one of the last guys to still have a goatee, and is now known as VoteForEddie.com.

The stylish and intelligent VoteforEddie.com is an independent candidate running for a seat in Florida's 25th Congressional District -- he had his name changed to a web address to attract positive attention to the campaign. "Since I'm not under the wings or good graces of both political parties, I had to find a different way to get my message out there," VoteforEddie.com said.

People who visit his amazing site get to watch a video where he agrees with the entire world that our nation's dependence on foreign oil is not ideal. The statement concludes, "I am VoteforEddie.com and I approve this message."

A little to the north but not far enough to make a difference, Ft. Lauderdale couple James Ayers and Nicole Okrzesik were also using the internet to be stupid. Ayers and Okrzesik allegedly did drugs with a 19-year-old female friend of theirs, then strangled her to death because they wanted to steal her drug money.

Immediately before they committed the crime, sources say, they looked to Google for murder tips.

Ayers and Okrzesik searched "chemicals to passout a person," "making people faint," "how to suffocate someone", "how to poison someone" and "ways to kill people in their sleep". Authorities also say they opened a GoLivewire.com forum titled "could you kill someone in their sleep and no one would think it was a murder."

It might be worth noting here that Florida isn't made up entirely of drugged-up cannibals, psychotic moms, ridiculous politicians, brain-dead killers, the elderly and birds. Registered sex offenders have a significant presence there, too.

Just this Tuesday, for example, a fifth-grade teacher from Orlando named Matthew Chillcott was among 38 people arrested in a cybersex sting in Polk County. Chilcott thought he'd struck up a promising online friendship with a 14-year-old-girl, but he'd actually been courting a sneaky cop the entire time.

The teacher later admitted to authorities that he was also a youth soccer coach.

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