The Top 10 Manliest Pets
Everybody says that a dog is a man’s best friend, but what if that dog is so small that it can be carried in a large purse? What if that dog wears booties or costumes on Halloween? That dog is now man’s horrifying nemesis. There must be other options for manly pets out there, and I found them.
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Arnold from Green Acres comes immediately to mind for this entry. Here is a dirty, brilliant, loyal pet that a man can also turn into bacon in a pinch. It’s important to note, though, that pigs of the pot-bellied variety are not at all manly as they have a prohibitively high cuteness factor.
Best Name: Professor Oinkenstein
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Monkeys are great because they’re like little, hairier, louder versions of yourself (I realize I’m making an assumption about your relative volume and hairiness). Probably the coolest part, though, is that if you’ve got a little bit of time and dedication, you can train your monkey to steal from people.
Best Name: Mister Jimbles
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These gigantic frickin’ horses are great for a few reasons. The first is that they make beer. I’m not sure how – I’m not a brewmaster – but they do. Another reason is that they are almost unreasonably large. But real men have unreasonable tasks to accomplish. Need that oak tree pulled out of the ground? Whistle your trusty Clydesdale over and throw a ship rope around his neck.
Best Name: Archimedes (Archy for Short)
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Constrictors are a type of snake that aren’t venomous – the catch and kill their pray by wrapping their gigantic snake-bodies around it, then crushing. They’re obviously pretty rad – think of them like an extra, giant phallus that can kill a man. Oh, by the way, that’s the most manly part about them. Sometimes they kill you.
Best Name: Bret Michaels
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Scorpions are deadly, hard, industrious little mothers that are most active at night. They are kind of like me but much less handsome. They insist upon live prey – you can’t kill your crickets/spiders/small lizards before feeding your scorpion. They’ll flip you off with their tail and ask for something more fun.
Best Name: Jezebel