Everybody says that a dog is a man’s best friend, but what if that dog is so small that it can be carried in a large purse? What if that dog wears booties or costumes on Halloween? That dog is now man’s horrifying nemesis. There must be other options for manly pets out there, and I found them.
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Arnold from Green Acres comes immediately to mind for this entry. Here is a dirty, brilliant, loyal pet that a man can also turn into bacon in a pinch. It’s important to note, though, that pigs of the pot-bellied variety are not at all manly as they have a prohibitively high cuteness factor.
Best Name: Professor Oinkenstein
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Monkeys are great because they’re like little, hairier, louder versions of yourself (I realize I’m making an assumption about your relative volume and hairiness). Probably the coolest part, though, is that if you’ve got a little bit of time and dedication, you can train your monkey to steal from people.
Best Name: Mister Jimbles
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These gigantic frickin’ horses are great for a few reasons. The first is that they make beer. I’m not sure how – I’m not a brewmaster – but they do. Another reason is that they are almost unreasonably large. But real men have unreasonable tasks to accomplish. Need that oak tree pulled out of the ground? Whistle your trusty Clydesdale over and throw a ship rope around his neck.
Best Name: Archimedes (Archy for Short)
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Constrictors are a type of snake that aren’t venomous – the catch and kill their pray by wrapping their gigantic snake-bodies around it, then crushing. They’re obviously pretty rad – think of them like an extra, giant phallus that can kill a man. Oh, by the way, that’s the most manly part about them. Sometimes they kill you.
Best Name: Bret Michaels
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Scorpions are deadly, hard, industrious little mothers that are most active at night. They are kind of like me but much less handsome. They insist upon live prey – you can’t kill your crickets/spiders/small lizards before feeding your scorpion. They’ll flip you off with their tail and ask for something more fun.
Best Name: Jezebel
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These predatory, aggressive, flesh-eating fish have a fierce and well-deserved reputation for blood lust. These fish swim in schools and feed in “feeding frenzies” that generally end in a bubbly, bloody cloud of underwater manliness. Until recently, attacks have been rare on humans, but one is advised to feed them from a distance. Bonus: no need for a garbage disposal!
Best Name: Megabyte
4. Junkyard Dog (3-Legged)
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There are plenty of manly dogs out there, any of the big ones or any of the mean ones would do (also, any dogs for hunting). But these are the manliest pets, and the manliest dog in the world would be a junkyard dog that's missing one leg. Junkyard dogs have to be manly because they have to risk life and limb to eat bad guys trying to steel old carburetors – it’s the principle of the thing. And the manliest version is obviously one with a battle scar to prove it.
Best Name: Magnum, possibly Caesar
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Ostriches are mean sons of bitches. They use their over-muscled legs to just kick the hell out of anything in their “territory.” They bite, they’re ugly, and they’ll beat their enemies up with their head-butts and neck whips. I mean, wouldn’t you be angry if you laid eggs this big? Now, doesn’t that make you want them on your side?
Best Name: Oswald
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So it’s not easy to have a pet tiger. You need a staff veterinarian, an enclosure with 1,000 square feet that can contain the tiger, and you need the approval of your local wildlife authority and the Department of Agriculture. But, here’s the good news, Mike Tyson was smart enough to do it, and that dude can barely string together words in a simple sentence. See?
Best Name: Hobbes
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Think of it however you want: French maid, man-servant, or just a nephew that gets you beer from the fridge when you ask. Having a human pet is the manliest thing a man can have and that’s that. We’re not talking about slavery or indentured servitude. You wouldn’t think of your pet ostrich as your slave would you?
Best Name: #2