Fantasy is the operative word here, gentleman. It seems unlikely to the point of impossibility that you’re going to head down to the Tastee Freeze with a Marissa Miller or a Adriana Lima anytime this month. So, if you’re going to indulge those fantasies, why not take it to the next step? Witness: the all-time hottest cartoon foxes.
Created by the surprisingly randy Stan Lee and voiced by the predictably randy Pam Anderson, Stripperella is a superheroine/secret agent/stripper. This series, against an ocean of logic, failed. Running for only one season on (you guessed it) Spike TV, Stripperella was a series ahead of its time. We tip our hats to you, Stripperella. You’ll live on in our hearts, minds, and next to a wad of singles in our jeans.
6. Erin Esurance
A relatively new addition to the pantheon of painted princesses, Erin Esurance courts us from her geometric pin-up world of super heroes and reasonably priced automobile insurance. She’s been around since 2005, and though she hints at romantic entaglment with her male counterpart, Erik, it seems more likely to be just clever spy banter. You can’t turn that shit off.
5. Princess Jasmine
Jasmine: do not be fooled by her status as an actual princess. Though her father is the Sultan, she is a far cry from her prissy, spoiled sisters in other kingdoms. Jasmine has the cash, but she’s got that panache to boot. She has a pet tiger, she sneaks out at night to consort with ne’er-do-wells, and she dabbles in majik. Also, she wears those poofy pants and the bikini top that do all sorts of goodness for her figure. Rawr.
4. Holli Would
This is a name conspicuously absent from other lists of this nature. Holli Would starred in Cool World with a very young, very hilariously-dressed-and-coiffed Brad Pitt. Voiced by Kim Basinger, Holli was the carnal center and unapologetic vixen of a purposely adult-marketed film. A true femme fatale to Pitt’s P.I., Holli would just as soon kill you as kiss you. Worth it? Yep.
3. Daria Morgendorffer
What, I’m the only one who thinks a brain is sexy? Nobody is turned on by intelligence. Screw you, it’s my list. Daria was the everygirl plus a .5 boost in g.p.a. that became a mega-fox to everybody else when she took off her thick-rimmed glasses. I didn’t need rose-colored lenses to see her beauty though. As emotionally frail as she was academically advanced…O, Daria. You were the one that got away.
Ariel is the most controversial choice for this list without question. She is a woman as ephemeral and mysterious as the sea itself. Would you rather be with legg’d Ariel of finn’d Ariel? What about her overbearing father? Certainly we remember how long it took King Triton to get over her dating a (dare I say it?) human! But she’s one of only two redheads on the list, and those tantalizing clamshell pasties that mysteriously and unerringly cover her aquatic curves. There’s no denying it. I love you, Ariel.
1. Jessica Rabbit
Not only is Jessica the most deliciously curvaceous of any of the inky babes on the list, she’s also got the most heart (and a nice set of pipes). Though she is oft-maligned as a bubble-headed-but-brassy redhead, she’s not as superficial as popular culture might have you believe. When asked why she was with her arguably unattractive husband, Roger, she answered a swoon-worthy, “He makes me laugh.”