Not all strip club songs are created equal. It takes a certain tune to get the ladies (and leering deviants) into the right mood. The Spike.com women's rights team spent countless hours researching the subject and found 10 musical offerings that gentlemen's bar DJ's have dubbed "must-use" tunes every time a 15-year-old meth addict with Daddy issues hits the stage. Here are our findings.
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10. "Beautiful People" (Marilyn Manson)
Nothing makes a sexually deprived welfare recipient feel more like excusing himself in order to masturbate in a handicap bathroom stall quite like a morbid social commentary by a hideous he-she who may or may not be Paul from The Wonder Years.
As odd it may seem, various strip club DJs swear that because of the dark nature and alluring bass, Manson’s ironic counter-culture anthem has been on heavy rotation for years and is widely regarded as an industry staple by people whose job description includes "welcoming Becky to the stage."
9. "Hot in Herre" (Nelly)
Whoever said “this no-talent ass clown will be irrelevant within 18 months of his first Vanna White reference,” clearly hasn’t spent much time perusing the daytime talent at airport-adjacent gentleman’s clubs. Whether it’s Taco Tuesdays or a casual breakfast show, Nelly’s chart-topping hit is a staple in the nudie bar mix tapes.
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8. "Milkshake" (Kelis)
The first time this song was played on mainstream radio, mortified mothers and lactose intolerant religious rights advocates had to be disappointed. Not only does this sexual tune celebrate dairy abuse, but it also invites young women to “charge” for showing how to make the boys come a runnin’. This song was unintentionally written for strip club use and sends a dangerous message that those perverts at the dairy council think is safe for children to hear.
(Fun note: Pharell Williams co-wrote this song.)
7. "You Shook Me All Night Long" (AC/DC)
One of the only strip club favorites that also makes regular appearances on the New York Bar Mitzvah circuit, this AC/DC cult classic has inspired silicone-clad women named after lighting fixtures and popular dessert items for years. Not only is this tune laced with an upbeat melody that makes the terrifyingly large doorman dance along, but it also boasts classic witticism like “she told me to come, but I was already there” and “made a meal out of me, and came back for more.” It’s amazing that Hallmark hasn’t licensed these words of wisdom for their Valentine's Day card collection.
6. "American Woman" (Guess Who/Lenny Kravitz)
Nobody on the planet blindly celebrates American greatness quite like the people who leave their kids in the strip club parking lot in order to spend “Divorced Dad Day” throwing spare change at barely legal parolees. The top customers on “perv row” are amongst the most patriotic people in the country (as evidenced by their anti-immigration reform bumper stickers and Confederate flag tattoos) and appreciate a song celebrating the polarizing attraction of complex American women (in a song originally written by a band from rural Canada).
Fun note: "American Woman" is one of my father’s favorite songs. And no, there's no video available for it, so please imagine naked women disrobing with no soundtrack on this one.
5. "Candy Shop" (50 Cent)
It’s unclear what 50 Cent means when he insinuates that he’s going to forcibly take a girl to the candy shop and show her what he’s got, but the timeless romanticism of the lyrics seem to have found a home in neighborhood peepshow booths. Though Fiddy’s music is also popular at women’s right rallies and youth lacrosse games, it seems like the sleek platform stage of the strip club has embraced him more than most.
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4. "Girls, Girls, Girls" (Mötley Crüe)
The only song on the list which actually references several strip clubs in its lyrics, “Girls, Girls, Girls” has become somewhat of a career validation for the goatee-clad strip club owners of California who occasionally question their social worth. The video for this cleverly named tune was originally banned from MTV due to its sexual content, but eventually found refuge at Karaoke bars and top-half-only erotic bars throughout the country.
3. "Cherry Pie" (Warrant)
This catchy hair band tune loosely written as a celebratory ballad of female genitalia boasted a near pornographic video that helped make acting like a whore while sprawled across the back seat of a '57 Chevy popular amongst teenage girls.
In strip clubs, the song is one of the catchier offerings in the jukebox arsenal thanks to its unique beat and easy-to-follow sexual references. (Any truck driver with a mild methamphetamine addiction and small pleasure hole cut out of the pocket of his Wal-Mart jeans can understand the hidden message of the lyrics “So I mixed up the batter and she licked the beater.”)
2. "Closer" (Nine Inch Nails)
It’s tough to imagine that one of the most innovative industrial artists in music history intended to have his sexual masterpiece be the cornerstone jam of Joe’s “Bring Your Own Quiet Shame” adult establishment, but boy did Trent Reznor hit a sexually deviant home run with this one.
While upbeat songs like “Pour Some Sugar on Me” are perfect for bachelor parties and NBA road trips, “Closer’s” subtle melody and gothic undertones cater more to the everyday strip club attendees. For those, “look, it’s 3:15 p.m. on a Tuesday, so let’s not get fancy" crowd, there's nothing better. For "nobody’s proud to be here so let’s just throw on something mildly depressing so I can pay to look some teenage runaways” situations, “Closer” is a go-to track.
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1. "Pour Some Sugar on Me" (Def Leppard)
Any song featuring the phrase “You gotta squeeze a little, squeeze a little, Tease a little more” in the first minute is clearly destined for strip club immortality. Since being released nearly 25 years ago, this pervert-approved rock gem has been the soundtrack to premature ejaculation and a great resource for freshman sociology majors working their way through college.