10 Spy Gadgets That Should Be Illegal

November 4, 2008

Hey there, secret agent man.  Do you have a reckless disregard for the law?  Have you ever wanted to be in a heist?  Thomas Crown, James Bond, and Max Smart got you itching for a gadgetized suit?  Any villains in your life? Then this list if for you!  Here are 10 spy gadgets that are so awesome they should be illegal.

10. Shotgun Flashlight

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Sometimes it’s not enough to light up a foe with photons.  Sometimes you have to use .410 caliber shotgun round to discreetly dispatch of what-so-ever or who-so-ever is in your way.  Too much you say? Lucky for you it comes in a mini-flashlight version that shoots a more modest .380 caliber shot.

 9. 80,000 Volt Attaché Case

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This suitcase acts like a normal suitcase, but it comes with a remote (about the size of your car’s keyless entry) that activates a 107db alarm and sends 80,000 volts coursing through whomever thought they could make off with your Magic Card collection. It comes with 16 batteries and 2 remotes (1 for your partner in crime).  Is 900 British pounds worth that kind of security? Why don’t you ask the Black Lotus?

8. Ninja Climbing Gear

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This “traditional” ninja climbing gear makes me wish I’d taken a lot more Eastern history and philosophy in college.  If this is what their traditions are like, then call me a hyper-conservative Confucian.  The ninja climbing gear includes a grappling hook as well as hand and foot spikes; it’s $39.95 plust $8.50 shipping and will appear silently by your bedside in the time it takes a cherry blossom to fall from its branch in autumn.

7. Mini Stun Gun

“Do you have anywhere I could plug in my cell phone char –“ BAM! 950,000 VOLTS.  That may seem like a lot, but there’s a tricky thing they do with stun guns.  An electric chair, for example, runs about 2,000 volts.  But! What they mean is 2,000 kilovolts.  So, really, it’s 950 of “electric chair standardized” volts.  But hell, for a thing that looks like a digital camera charger, not bad. Get it now for $60, and get yourself a free nylon holster.

6. Reverse Peep Hole Viewer

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This one is good for the classic “shoot ‘em through the peep hole” move that just get’s my trigger finger itchin’ every time. The lenses inside this mini scope reverse the way a peephole distorts the image allowing you to see inside whatever enclosure had the peep hole on it. And it's yours for just $129.95.

5. X-Ray Spray

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Curious if your lady-love is more of a lover and less of a lady? Or maybe you just want to see if you’ve already won the Publisher’s Clearing House cash without the hassle and heartbreak of a torn-open envelope.  Well, Envelope X-RAY turns opaque envelope paper translucent for 30 seconds allowing you to take a discreet peek inside.

4. Cobra Sword Cane

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For the dastardly ne'er-do-well on your gift-giving and/or hit list, consider this cobra-headed sword cane. There is little in this world classier than a cobra-headed cane that doesn’t have a sword in it (maybe this), so nobody will expect it when you unsheathe your opponent’s steely doom (for 50 bucks).

3. Wireless Gun Cam

Though intended for law enforcement tactical units, this particular brand of point and shoot is a lot more useful and fun to the everyday spy than a digital camera.  There’s a digital video camera (with laser sight) affixed to the barrel of the weapon of your choice.  The video is then fed to a color CCD on your forearm.  This allows you to obtain video evidence if you’re a cop, or shoot the Bad Guy without reading Miranda rights if you’re me. Arm yourself for $1,200.

2. Hidden Cameras

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The most prolific category in spy technology is the hidden camera.  There’s a lot of them out there and I’m here to tell you they totally work.  True story: there was a kid stealing from people in my freshman-year dorm.  We honestly called him the Weasel before we found out, and we found out by using a motion-sensitive version of these cameras.  When we confronted him he actually cried out of shame.  It was so. Friggin. Awesome. 

1. Real X-Ray Vision

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The most dubious item on the list relies on Sony’s SXIR technology which working by detecting the infrared spectrum of light that goes through clothes, bounces off the skin of whomever, and comes back through the clothes.  This is, of course, wildly illegal. Enjoy!

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