The Top 10 Movie Douchebags
A well-placed douchebag character in a movie can really add a nice touch. Not only do they contrast the good qualities and values of the hero, but it’s just kind of fun in general to see a douchebag portrayed well on the silver screen. It’s even more fun to watch a douchebag get his comeuppance and take a heavy fall. All too often we’re confronted with douchebags in real life, and we are forced to hate them in silence. But when we’re watching a movie we are free to vocalize our wrath to our heart’s content. In the end, we almost love hating the douchebags more than we love loving the heroes.
10. Carter Burke from Aliens
Carter Burke (Paul Reiser) is a douchebag on many levels, not least of all his willingness to side with the corporation he works for over the people he works with. Ellen Ripley (Sigourney Weaver) gets stuck with a pretty shabby lot of marines in Aliens, but nothing compares to the cowardice and putziness embodied by Burke. He lies to Ripley about wiping out the aliens, and even tries to get her and Newt impregnated by a couple of nasty face-huggers. That’s worse than putting a hit on someone. That’s like…well, it’s like putting an alien in someone. Which is really bad.
Ripley should’ve gone with her instincts and told Burke to shove his mission to LB-4 where the sun don’t shine. Even Corporal Hudson (Bill Paxton) looks like a hero next to Burke. When Hudson looks brave next to you, you know you’re a weasely little turd.
9. John Mapplethorpe, a.k.a. Future Man from Bottle Rocket
John Mapplethorpe, known to his friends and brother as Future Man (played by Andrew Wilson, the third Wilson brother), is a small part in a small film – but make no mistake, he’s a big-time douchebag. First of all, why in the hell does everyone call him Future Man? He’s an old school preppy with a real mean streak in him, but no signs indicate he is in any way whatsoever a foreshadowing of the future.
Future Man’s real douchiness lies in his relationship to his loser brother, Bob Mapplethorpe (Robert Musgrave). Future Man beats Bob up when Bob is in any way disobedient, and he laughs at Bob and his friends and their foolish dreams of becoming professional thieves. He’s basically the big brother from hell. His buzzed head, polo shirts and smarmy remarks all spell douche. Luckily his little brother’s friends’ ambition to pull off a great heist winds up getting Bob and Future Man’s house ransacked. Hopefully Future Man becomes less of a douchebag because of this – but probably not.
8. Bodhi from Point Break
Bodhi, the lead robber/surfer played by Patrick Swayze in Point Break, has stiff douchebag competition in this movie. He’s up against Keanu Reeves, who plays ex-college quarterback, newfound FBI agent Johnny Utah. That’s a lot of douche for one movie, but Bodhi definitely takes the cake. First of all, he and his homies are into some pretty deep shit, like, committing felonies to fund their surfing lifestyle.
But more than this Bodhi is a douchebag because for all his Zen talk about the thrill of the ocean and the freedom of a simple life, he will resort to theft, violence and kidnapping if he feels the heat around the corner. He’s yet another example of an extreme athlete who’s chill enough when he’s got a joint and a campfire and he’s kicking it with his douchebag friends, but when the chips are down he’s not averse to kidnapping a woman or recklessly endangering other people’s lives. Bodhi makes all surfers everywhere look bad.
7. Trent Walker from Swingers
I really wrestled with whether or not I was going to put Trent (Vince Vaughn) on this list, because, by and large, he’s a really good guy. Who else could listen to endless bouts of whining and self pity from Mike Peters (Jon Favreau – both actors were good friends in real life, and some of the pep talks Trent gives Mike were based on things Vaughn really said to Favreau) and still introduce him to women at posh Hollywood parties? Now that’s friendship.
The problem is, half of everything Trent says is totally full of shit. On the one hand he tells Mike that he has to get out of his apartment and meet women; on the other he tells Mike that you can’t talk to women about “puppy dogs and ice cream,” which, depending on the girl, makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. He also describes Mike and himself as “money” every chance he gets, which smacks of douchebagginess. In the end Mike has the last laugh, but the world is filled with fast-talking Trents who charm everyone with their made up stories and drunken bonhomie. One Trent goes a long, long way.
6. Steve Stifler from American Pie
Stifler (Seann William Scott) is the classic American teenage douchebag, so it’s fitting that he’s in American Pie. For starters, he plays lacrosse, which is possibly douchier than football, and way douchier than hockey or soccer. Secondly, he’s a total idiot. And thirdly, he just has a nasty little douchebag face, which is why Scott has pretty much only played douchebags in one form or another for the entirety of his unimpressive acting career. Which brings us to an interesting point: here’s an instance of when the douchebag as actor meets douchebag as movie role. The twain do, in fact, meet. There’s a reason why any time anyone I’ve ever known sees Scott on a movie poster they immediately refer to him as Stifler. He was good as Stifler because he is Stifler.