5. The Lurker In The Stall
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Maybe you’ve spoken to the Lurker on the phone. Maybe you’ve gotten an email from him. But you’ve never met him, because his desk is just a storage space. His real office has a door that swishes closed and a big sign on it saying MEN.
We’re not saying BlackBerries are a bad thing, but this guy takes it beyond all reason and sense. Most people view dropping the kids off at the pool as something to get done and leave. But this guy? This guy views it as an act that takes time...and care. Something that should be eased out and savored. All you ever see of him is his loafer-clad feet, with his pants pooled around his ankles and all you ever hear is the quiet clicking of the smartphone keyboard, or possibly the faint rustle of newspaper pages. Maybe he grunts occasionally, or shifts when the lights shut off so they’ll turn back on. But his face? His true voice, divorced from the acoustics of a men’s room stall? These will remain mysteries, possibly forever.
4. The Snack Pack
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It’s not unreasonable to have a snack at your desk. You get hungry, you can’t leave your desk, so you have some pretzels or some mixed nuts in the drawer.
The Snack Pack? He’s got everything. He’s probably turned one of his desk drawers into a beer fridge. Usually the Snack Park has a metabolism that’s through the roof, so he’s always hungrier than a vegan in Texas, but that doesn’t excuse his table manners.
If you work next to the Snack Pack, it’s like you have a man-sized gerbil the next cube over. He constantly nibbles, and somehow, some way, he makes nibbling the loudest conceivable thing. Even The Cube DJ on an Iron Maiden kick can’t drown this guy’s crunching, slurping maw as he horks down a seemingly unending supply of snack foods. Your only hope is that he eats one too many Twinkies and magically transforms, through the power of constipation, into the Lurker In the Stall.
3. The Voice
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Here’s what really drives you crazy about the Voice. He’s a nice person. He’s a good coworker. He’s really polite and a credit to the company. He volunteers at homeless shelters. He’s probably even saved puppies from a house fire.
But every time he opens his mouth, you cringe. You feel your hand tighten involuntarily into a fist as your brain screams to punch him in the mouth and make that horrible, keening wail stop, for the love of God, stop. And, of course, he’s constantly on the phone, getting the job done, talking to everyone he needs to, and making the entire office long for deafness.
2. The Twitching Ball of Rage
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Every office has one guy who hates his boss, his coworkers, his job, everything. Every day, you find yourself checking to make sure he doesn’t have a gun holster somewhere on his body or a smell of some sort of homemade explosive. Every now and then he says something he thinks is funny, like “Only the fear of jail keeps me from killing you all!” Then he laughs, while you check to see just how much a bulletproof vest costs.
The eternal mystery of the Twitching Ball of Rage is why he’s never fired. You never see him working. Your boss doesn’t like him. Possibly it’s because HR is terrified of conducting the exit interview until the purchase order on those vests goes through. But on the bright side, if he’s on your project, he makes a great excuse. There’s nothing quite like being absolutely terrified of your co-worker as a good explanation for why you missed deadline.
1. The Weasel
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The Weasel isn’t good at his job. He lacks anything that might be detectable as charm. He probably even looks like a weasel. So why does he still have a job? This guy has just one skill, a skill so finely honed and practiced it’s almost impossible to thwart: dodging blame.
In the workplace, this guy is so impossibly slick about passing the buck, you find yourself admiring him. The project was late? Well, he’d handled his end and passed it on to Bob, he just figured Bob was working hard and would talk to him if he needed any help. The data was inaccurate? Well, he’s sorry to hear that, but unfortunately setting the parameters wasn’t his responsibility, he just ran the report, maybe you should talk to Cherie about that. Caught groping the boss’ sixteen-year-old daughter? He’s terribly, terribly sorry, but in his defense, she has a really convincing fake ID.
To get rid of this guy, keep every email he sends you and then corner him when he tries to pass the buck onto you. The Weasel counts on people not keeping a paper trail, and once that luck runs out, it’s Weasel-Stomping Day at the office.