Unemployment in America is at nearly 10 percent. But depending on who you work with, they might be the lucky ones.
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By Dan Seitz
10. The Time-Sink
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It’s not that the Time-Sink means badly, or is stupid. Okay, that’s not true at all. He is stupid. He’ll plod his way through the simplest tasks, usually asking you to “help out” with this whole “sending email” “problem.” How did this guy ever get hired? If he has the same last name as your boss, and he probably will, that might have something to do with it.
Thwarting the Time-Sink is pretty easy, at least. People like him are why we have meetings. Just fill his day with meetings, and never be near him unless you’ve got one coming up in 15. Unlike a black hole, you can break his gravitational hold.
9. The Cube DJ
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Everybody loves the Internet. It fills in the 35 hours a week that nobody actually has any work to do while making you all look busy. And we also love Internet streaming of radio stations, as it means we can finally have a station that plays nothing but death metal folk music if we feel like it. Unfortunately, it also means the rise of the Cube DJ.
The motives of this guy are wide and varied. Maybe in his private life he still thinks his band will take off someday and drag him out of this dead-end job. Maybe he just likes to lord his taste in music over all the plebians who dare, dare to listen to Top 40. Or even worse, he’s a Top 40 fan who just loves being able to tune in Mix 98.9 (slogan: "We Only Play the Same Twenty Number One Hits! Hope You Like Bon Jovi!") at his desk.
Either way, he won’t be wearing headphones, so as to inflict his musical taste on as many people as possible. If the radio station plays “Sexyback” once an hour, on the hour, or goes on a Death Cab For Cutie marathon, he’s going to make you sit there and bleed out your ears. Until you figure out a way to destroy his speakers, anyway. Or have him transferred next to the TMI Bomb.
8. The TMI Bomb
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Time was, believe it or not, if people wanted to talk to their friends, they had to use the work phone. This had all sorts of problems, namely getting caught.
But not anymore! Not with cell phones! Now he can talk to anyone he wants, any time he wants, about any subject he wants and it’s on his own dime! And the subjects he wants to talk about?
Two topics: his medical problems, which are invariably disgusting, and his sex life, which is invariably even more disgusting. Usually this will be during lunch, phone calls with clients, and any time your girlfriend visits. Bring earplugs.
7. The Husband-Hunter
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Not everybody’s gotten the whole “independent woman” memo. Of course, finding a guy who’ll actually fall for that crap is pretty hard to do, especially since the days of one income supporting a whole family kind of passed about 30 years ago. None of this, however, stops the Husband-Hunter.
No matter what she’s supposed to be doing, she thinks her job is finding a husband to take her away from all this drab “employment” and into a drab suburb where she doesn’t have to deal with TPS reports or org charts. So she’s constantly on dating sites, and constantly pestering you to introduce her to “nice men” or complaining about the total lack of “nice men” out there. Just pray she never dates the TMI Bomb, because then you’ll have unwilling knowledge of her sexual tastes to go along with your unwilling knowledge of her dating life.
6. The Bitter Divorcee
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On the flip side, you’ve got the Bitter Divorcee. To be fair, this woman’s usually gotten the short end of the stick somehow. Maybe she has to work two jobs to support her kids. Maybe her ex-husband’s a huge jerk. But no matter what’s happened, she’s got exactly one topic of conversation: how much being divorced sucks.
If she’s talking about dating, she’s talking about how all the single men her age are creeps. Her ex-husband? That’s good for about five hours. Dealing with kids? That’s good for eight. And you can’t just walk away, either, because you don’t want to insult her. So pair her with the Time Sink. At least the slow guy will be nice to her.