Your head has been filled with lies about sex and they're trickling down into your undercarriage. Hit the jump to get educated.
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10. Men are Hornier than Women
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This isn’t true for the most part. Sure, we go around with boners all the time. Sure, we talk about sex a lot. But guess what -- it’s society, man. It’s society telling women they should be all prim and proper and non-sexual. Ladies in the street and freaks ladies in bed. It's part of the sexism that is still around -- the sexism that says a man is a man and has to sexually dominate a woman to keep his manhood. But don’t believe the hype. Biologically, women should be just as horny as men. Here’s Playboy’s Courtney Culkin to convince you if you still need convincing:
9. Nerds Don’t Get Any Action
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Hey Poindexter, it looks like Brock and the rest of the varsity squad might be scrambling for sloppy seconds. At least, that is, when it comes to college. A recent study at Elon University in North Carolina suggests that women are attracted to smarts more than you'd think. The study had 15 college guys perform a series of mental tasks on camera, then hundreds of women watched the video and rated how much they wanted to have a one-night stand or a long-term relationship. In both cases, the men’s intelligence was an accurate indicator of how attractive they were to the ladies. In other words: The smarter you are, the easier it is for you to get on the trolley to Pleasure Town, U.S.A.
8. Mountain Dew Lowers Your Sperm Count
An ingredient in Mountain Dew, specifically the food dye Yellow #5, was reported by my fifth grade classmate Rory to undoubtedly lower your sperm count, thus making you “totally queer.” The only known cure at the time, was red-headed Sara’s prematurely large, freckled breasts. For years these results went unchallenged until I Googled it yesterday. This independent research yielded the following shocking results:
… tartrazine is an extremely stable molecule which may account for both its relative lack of toxicity and also the fact that it comes out of the body pretty much as it goes in: YELLOW…The silly schoolyard rumor has gone so far as to claim that Mountain Dew prevents pregnancy because it reduces sperm count or sperm motility. Not true.
So worry not, extreme men. Slam a Dew, then slam your lady with impunity.
7. Wearing Two Condoms Offers Double the Protection
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Wearing two condoms not only does not offer additional protection from pregnancy or STD/STIs, it actually increases the likelihood of pregnancy or contracting a disease. Condoms are relatively reliable (90-95%) prophylactics, and if you require further peace of mind, you should use redundant birth control in the form of a pill, injection, or any of a variety of other options. However, putting two condoms on actually increases the friction between the two condoms. It’s like rubbing two pieces of sandpaper together until one of them rips. You want that on your schlong? Don’t double bag it!
6. The G-spot
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The G-spot is a location inside a lady’s vagina, and it’s named for German gynecologist Ernst Grafenberg. Supposedly, it is a location one to three inches inside the vagina on the anterior wall (toward the belly button). Stimulation of this area is supposed to cause more intense orgasms, but the vast, vast, vast majority of gynecologists say it doesn’t exist. Specifically, they say there just isn’t anything there. Some have suggested that Grafenberg was unduly influenced by Freud, who believed that masculine penetration was needed for the most intense orgasm because he thought men were better than women. Despite biological evidence to the contrary, though, if that’s where your lady likes it, then stimulate away.
5. Multiple Male Orgasms Rock
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In theory, they would rock. In practice, they’re near impossible, and are probably uncomfortable. Part of being able to have multiple male orgasms is basically refining orgasm. The technique people are talking about most of the time is basically retaining your ejaculate while still getting the sensation of an orgasm: coming without coming. However, a noted urologist says “there is no separating ejaculation and orgasm,” adding, “out of hundreds of guys I know who have tried this, I know only one who’s been able to do it.” And, apparently, even if he’s holding it back, it just feels like blue balls vasocongestion. Your best bet is just to recover fast and get back in the saddle.
4. Semen is Low-carb and Atkins-approved
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It's about as Atkins-approved as the ice cream in the picture above. Here’s the skinny: The average male ejaculate is about 4 milliliters. And, although there is protein in semen (the sperm, namely), it is largely comprised of fructose which is a sugar, and totally not Atkins-approved. However, the energy in a typical load amount to a measly seven calories. So, let’s just say that you’re giving your girl 14 shots a day – a noble goal. That’s about 100 calories. It would take a month for her to put on a pound of “semen weight.”
3. Average Penis Size
The average penis size in the general population is probably smaller than you think. Lifestyle condoms did a study on the average length of erect men, and the truth is somewhere between five and six inches. Take heart, dudes. There is a limit to how big you can be comfortably. If you’re hitting the cervix, really, there’s nowhere else to go. My friend Kiki The Greek put it well: “I don’t want any sort of major organs having to make room for Godzilla c***.”
2. Green M&Ms, Oysters, and Horny Goat Weed are Aphrodisiacs
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You poor, misguided soul. Those are actually just foods. Two of them are actually totally gross foods. There is no evidence anywhere that suggests the compounds in any of those foods make boys or girls randy. However, if they make you horny, then guess what: they make you horny. No amount of rhetoric or scientific study can defy an obvious erection. Even placebo-effect boners are boners. Probably, your best (legal) bet is caffeine. The burst of energy will at least get you to get off of your ass where, statistically, you’re much more likely to get it on.
1. Black Dudes Have Gigantic Dongs
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There is no evidence, anywhere, that penis size is strictly related to what race a person is. In fact, it appears to have nothing to do with it. The origin of this myth, too, is a total bummer. Big dick expert, black guy, and social commenter Scott Poulson explains:
…the notion that the black man had a “desire to conquer pristine Southern white womanhood” was concocted to ease the guilty consciences of white slave masters who routinely forced themselves on their female slaves. In their minds, the black man, out of revenge, would do the same thing to white women if given half a chance. So the myth of “big dick-ness” was invented to control the sexuality of the black male by casting him as a “sexual terrorist.”
In fact, the biggest penis in the world belongs to a schlumpy, white guy from Brooklyn named Jonah Falcon.
Are there any other myths you've heard that need to be debunked? Leave them in the comments!