Kelly vs. Hanson vs. CelticJaguar vs. Roker vs. iHonk vs. Frogman Forum UBER Battle!
A quick hypothetical scenario I have written for fun based on two past “simulations”. Here are the contenders, who are some reigning champs and some new faces!
*I am excluding AriesHuls and RussiasFury as they are overpowered. The goal is to have a fair, clean fight*
Details: 13, 4’11, 120 lbs, not very fast but can be quick for a short period of time.
Short Range: Kitchen knife, wood staff
Mid Range: Baseball Bat
Long Range: Katana and Wakisashi
Armor: Leather Jacket
Tactics: Sneak Attack, Celtic Heritage
Overview: The champ of his duel with Roker, Kelly brings a solid weapon set to the game with his katana and bat potentially very dangerous. He’s lightly armored and small in build, so he will be on the periphery trying to pick off stragglers. If nobody notices him, though, he has a good chance to win with a shuriken to the neck!
Details: 19, 5’11, 185 lbs, Not very light on his feet at a sprint, but pretty agile with footwork.
Short Range: Bastard Sword, Hatchet
Mid Range- Dory spear, Scutum shield
Long Range- Quarterstaff
Projectile: Composite Bow
Armor: Butted Mail, Leather, Camo
Tactics: Patience/Stalking, writing interestingly informative articles then pulling them
Overview: A forum veteran, iHonk has some of the best writing skills on the net. His advantage is that all his weapons are rather effective at killing unlike some of the other contenders’. His spear and shield are potentially the best weapon combo in the fight, and his mail gives outstanding protection. Best of all, he’s cunning and ruthless, and knows a good opportunity when he sees one. Will all that equipment weigh him down, however?
Details: 19, 6’, 145 lbs, uncoordinated but good with a sword and intensely focused
Short Range: Kitchen Knife on a Rope
Mid Range: Nail on a Broom Handle, cardboard shield (thick stuff)
Long Range: Katana w/ 4yrs experience
Projectile: Slingshot w/ rocks, m80s
Armor: Leather coat w/ 14g 11/32” butted hauberk
Tactics: Banzai Charge, counter to win
Overview: A newcomer to the fight, with some experience on the forums but no written works to his credit, Hanson is going to be the wild card in the fight. His Knife on a Rope and Broomhandle are light weapons with decent range and power, but where he truly shines is with his trusty katana. With a limited projectile game and only moderate strength and armor, he will need to rely on brazen tactics and counters to win. If, though, he gets the chance to light an m80 or catch someone off guard with the sword, then he can be a real contender.
Details: 17, 5’11, good writing skills focusing on debate
Short Range- Bowie Knife, Metal Bats
Mid Range- Wooden Spear, Dual Lawnmower Blades
Long Range- Composite Bow
Special- Dual Lawnmower Blades
Tactics- Guerilla, Stay the f*ck away
Build- Light but strong; quite fast and agile
Defense- Leather Jacket
Overview: Roker was obviously good enough to beat a maori, so he gets a berth here. Roker is a light guerilla fighter, the tough street kid nobody wants on their lawn at 3:00 in the morning. His arsenal is unremarkable except his composite bow and dual lawnmower blades. These weapons take great skill to use, but Roker needs them and his stealth to win when faced by heavier foes. Roker may not look like much on paper, but if his tactic is stay the f*ck away then he has intangibles that nobody else does.
Details Not Specified
Short Range: Kitchen Knife,Rock
Mid Range: Kukri,Computer mouse
Long Range: Swing
Projectile: Model 880 BB Gun,NERF Stampede(a couple bullets in the eye blinds easily)
Like Roker, the Jag is a light fighter who trusts specialized skills to win. Celtic has two weapons that are dangerous: the Kukri and his trusty BB gun. If by chance he is a good enough shot. Jag may just be able to secure enough kills with his combo for the win. Remember, a rock may look simple, but it can be thrown, bashed, rolled, struck, and a variety of other things.
Details: Light But Tough,Kinda Athletic And Sneaky
Short Range: War Hammer
Mid Range: Short Axe
Long Range: Thrown Sharpened Branch
Tatics: Speed And Hand To Hand
Build: Light But Tough,Kinda Athletic And Sneaky
Armor: Heavy Leather Jacket And Wooden Shield
Overview: Another newcomer, Frogman has a good record on the forums so he gets a spot here. Frog is deffinitely equipped like a bullfrog: his shield and war hammer are heavy close-range weapons with a lot of concussive force. His only weakness is his lack of a decent long range game: slings have been shown on DW to be crap, and his sharpened stick could be better. Still, the Frog will make a lot of enemies croak if he sticks to the basics.
Check out the next page for the matchups!
Short Range: Kitchen knife/ wood staff vs. Bastard Sword/ Hatchet vs. Kitchen Knife on a Rope vs. Bowie Knife/ Metal Bats vs. Kitchen Knife/Rock vs. War Hammer
-A lot of knives here, but three weapons really stand out and those are iHonk’s Bastard Sword, Frogman’s War Hammer, and Hanson’s Knife on a rope. The knife on a rope and war hammer just can’t compete with 50 inches of cold, hard steel.
Runner up: Frogman
3rd Place: Jhanson
Mid Range: Baseball Bat vs. Dory spear/Scutum shield vs. Nail on a Broom Handle/cardboard shield vs. Wooden Spear/ Dual Lawnmower Blades vs. Kukri/Computer mouse vs. Short Axe
-iHonk makes another strong case here, with his spear and shield being very powerful…too powerful. They will tire him out quickly, and the spear is made for phalanxes, not duels. Hanson’s broomhandle and shield is very atteactive too, until you realize they are outclassed by Roker’s awesomely cool trademark weapons.
Runner Up: Jhanson
3rd place: Deadliestwarrior_kelly
Long Range: Katana/Wakisashi vs. Quarterstaff vs. Katana vs. Wood Spear vs. Swing vs. Sharpened Branch
Kelly would clearly win here, but he lacks the expertise to handle two weapons at once in the heat of combat. Therefore, Hanson gets the win for his katana. There is something about being able to trust the weapon like another limb that gives him the advantage here. Jag’s swung weight is potentially very dangerous as well as iHonk’s staff, a simple weapon turned deadly in the hands of an expert.
Runner Up: iHonk
3rd Place: CelticJaguar
Projectile: Shurikens vs. Composite Bow vs. Slingshot vs. Composite Bow vs. BB Gun vs. Sling
- As expected, Jaguar shines here with his rapid-fire gun. His only matter is how much he can score in this category for the general contest. The Composite Bows round out the list, but iHonk wins over Roker due to his greater strength, which means a higher draw.
Runner Up: iHonk
3rd Place: TheTrueRoker
Armor: Leather Jacket vs. Mail/Leather/Camo vs. Hauberk/Coat vs. Jacket vs. Heavy Coat/Shield
- Again iHonk makes acompelling case, but mail, camo, and leather seems too much and too heavy. It’s stealth or heav and he tries to be both, so his armor is heavy and uncomfortable. Perhaps the best protected one here is Frogman, with his good shield and heavy coat. Hanson’s hauberk gets an honorable mention for its thick wire and pairing with leather.
Runner Up: Jhanson
3rd Place: iHonk
Build: Kelly is the loser here; he’s just not strong enough to hang with the big boys. Frogman is “light but tough” as is Hanson, so both do well. iHonk would be the best off, but he is weighed down by his heavy equipment.
Runner Up: Jhanson
3rd Place: TheTrueRoker
Go to the next page to see how our contenders placed!
Sixth Place: DeadliestWarrior_Kelly
While Kelly has won his share of battles, he doesn’t win this one. He just doesn’t have the size or truly devastating weapons needed, and guerilla tactics only get you so far in a battle royale.
Fifth Place: TheCelticJaguar
Some joke weapons and a lack of real killing power hurt Jag in the run of things. His gun, while potent, is not enough to offset his lack of protection and lack of other good weapons. The swing is not enough by itself, and the kukri is only short-range.
Fourth Place: TheTrueRoker
Another veteran gone down early, Roker shone enough with the bow and the blades to get past two others. What hurt him were his lack of good protection and the fact that not enough of his weapons were exceptional like the blades.
Third Place: Frogman
Frogman had a very good outing; his shield and hammer server him well to get many kills. Indeed, he was the Spartan of this matchup in that he could have won if he had anything to throw but a dumb stick. Still, congrats to Frogman for a strong showing.
Second Place: iHonk
Here is where the controversy is, and on the show Honk would have won easily. Indeed, iHonk came THAT close to pulling out the win with his array of awesome weapons. Why didn’t he? It’s because this competition isn’t just about who has the godliest weapons. Just the weight alone of carrying a heavy spear and shield, four-foot bastard sword, bow with full quiver, long staff AND a full hauberk with padding would have been exhausting. Combat’s about sticking to a weapon that works and using it well. iHonk has the right idea about the weapons, but he cannot adapt perfectly to a duel when he is so encumbered.
First Place: Jhanson
Yep, I chose myself to win, but I don’t believe without reason. First, my weapons all have a special quality. My close ranger is light and can be swung as well. My Katana, honed by training and the courage to use it, is dominant in this category. Long range isn’t as good, but my spiked pole is light enough to carry around and the shield gives at least some protection. My slingshot is just effective enough to score without the weight and slow fire of a bow. My armor is decent enough and is more than just leather without being restrictive. The point is that winning a duel I about being well-rounded and using practical weapons skillfully. Jhanson does this the best, so that is why he wins this uber bout.
Thanks to all of the contenders for giving their info to participate, and remember that this article is for fun. Debate is what makes the show great, and it should be a major part of an article as well. Last but not least, thanks for reading my first article on spike.com!