The 12 Greatest Films on Amazon (Based Entirely on the DVD Cover)

October 12, 2009

There are many ways to judge the quality of a film -- the standard of acting, the writing, the amount of scenes featuring a naked Hayden Panettiere. Here at Spike though, I decided to judge the quality of movies based purely on the DVD cover art, and then blew this year's budget buying them from Amazon, watching them, and then realizing that I may have made a huge mistake. Still, I got an article out of it.

Source: Amazon.com

By Danny Harkins

12. She Wolves of the Wasteland

image

The DVD Cover

This looks a little bit like Fallout 3, except instead of the Brotherhood of Steel it's got a Sisterhood of Getting Naked and Angry and Carry Guns and Looking Hot. They should probably invest in some body armor though, or at the very least, some pants.

What It's Probably About

In the not too distant future, an angry Belgium launches a nuclear attack on the United States, turning Washington D.C into a desolated wasteland, with lots of guns and ammunition and medi-packs lying conveniently around.

This hostile environment gives birth to a new army, an army of former models with weapons training, who aim to rebuild the U.S.A. and seek revenge on the dastardly Belgians.

 Best Line from Amazon Reviewers

"There is not one love scene in the whole movie lesbian or heterosexual! and that's to its credit in my opionion"

Your "opionion" is wrong. Every movie can be improved by a love scene, especially lesbian scenes. There Will Be Blood, for instance. That movie was in desperate need of some lesbians. Or a plot. I would have settled for either.

11. Doctor of Doom and Wrestling Women Vs The Aztec Mummy

image

The DVD Cover

Some people would say that there's too much going on in this DVD cover but those people are wrong. You can never have too many monsters, unless you're a young co-ed on vacation at an isolated cabin, in which case, RUN AWAY!

What It's Probably About

I have no f***ing idea. I mean, there's probably some wrestling women in there, and a mummy and someone called Doctor Doom, but other then that, your guess is as good as mine. It took me five minutes to find the title of the movie on the cover.

Best Line from Amazon Reviewers

"The first of what is promised to be a release of Mexican horror films purchased from Mexico."

So this is an American remake of a Mexican film? I knew Hollywood were short of ideas but I didn't realize it was that bad. Thank God we've still got a few innovative, creative filmmakers around, like Roman Polanski. I'm sure he'll be making a new film any day now.

10. Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama

image

The DVD Cover

The two men chained up on the floor are probably the slimeballs, the women are the sorority babes, and the giant, grey, clawed hand is...the...uh...comic relief? Strangely, it's not actually the most distracting thing on the cover. That would be the squatting women in black who looks like she's taking a dump.

What It's Probably About

Three college girls who look like they're in their 30s decide to visit a Bowl-O-Rama. Once there, they chain up some slimeballs and force them to help them win the state championship. Occasionally, a giant, grey, clawed hand comes out of the darkness and cracks wise about their zany antics, like Joe Pesci in Lethal Weapon 2.

Best Line from Amazon Reviewers

"if you walk in on this movie at the wrong time it may seem that it is a fully-fledged porno"

That could be said for lots of films though. The Shining, for instance, but only if you're into furry porn.

 9. Hookers in Revolt

image

The DVD Cover

Why is that girl so upset? Is it because her favorite book is being burned? Why is she naked? What are those things covering her nipples? Why do I have an erection? All questions which led to this DVD being included on the list.

What It's Probably About

I'm not entirely sure how the hookers are planning on revolting but it will probably involve forming a union. That girl on the cover could certainly use tighter workplace safety regulations.

Best Line from Amazon Reviewers

"Something else to look for is the ‘Animal Farm' tie-in"

The director's next film is an adaptation of 1984 called When Pornstars Attack. It's what George Orwell would have wanted. Probably.

8. Killer Klowns from Outer Space

image

The DVD Cover

The cover's pretty good but the tagline is f***ing woeful: "In space no one can eat ice cream." Is that supposed to be a pun? Are clowns and ice cream really that related? Still, there's a popcorn cock and balls on the left of the clown, so that kind of makes up for the tagline.

What It's Probably About

Fed up with being humiliated by ten-year olds, the world's clowns leave earth to establish their own planet. Clowns are generally mentally unbalanced though, so they all go insane in the isolation of space, and come back to earth to seek revenge on the children of Earth, especially the smart ass kids who would point out how all their tricks were done.

Best Line from Amazon Reviewers

"What were you expecting from a film titled "Killer Klowns from Outer Space?" Did you think this would be an Oscar worthy film?"

If Robert Downey, Jr. can get an Oscar nomination for playing a black man then I don't see why this couldn't have gotten one.

7. Robot Monster

image

The DVD Cover

Robot Monster! In Intriguing 2D! The Robot Monster is probably the least scariest thing I've ever scene. It looks like a bear with its head trapped in a bucket.

What It's Probably About

A Robot Monster gets a job at FedEx were he works tirelessly in order to feed his family of little Robot Monsters. But one day, after being given a suspiciously human-like package, he opens it up to discover he's unwittingly become a pawn in a human trafficking operation. Robot Monster must save the women from the clutches of the evil gangsters, all while fighting off the advances of a naked man who keeps falling to his knees and grabbing his shiny metal head.

Best Line from Amazon Reviewers

"Our earthly Robot-Monster soon behaves more strangely as he succumbs to the charms of hot sister Alice to the point where he takes a stab at removing her clothing."

I take back what I said earlier. There are indeed some films that could definitely do without love scenes.

6. The Black Gestapo

image

The DVD Cover

I'm not sure what the f*** is going on here, but I like it. Black power, Nazis, some attractive females, whips and guns. It's like Schindler's List if it was directed by a Michael Bay/Spike Lee tag team.

What It's Probably About

In a bunker in 1940s Germany, Adolf Hitler pulls off his mask to reveal he's actually a black man from Detroit. The new Adolf withdraws his troops from Russia, calls off the Final Solution, and begins introducing the Germans to Motown, despite the fact that it won't be invented for another 20 years.

Slowly, over time, the Nazis learn to relax, and the Third Reich lasts for a thousand years, under the leadership of Smokey Robinson and the Miracles.

Best Line from Amazon Reviewers

There actually weren't any Amazon reviews for this film, which probably means that its too awesome for words.

 5. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

image

The DVD Cover

Oh no! The Martians have developed a race of fearsome robots! Luckily, they built them out of cardboard boxes and silver spray paint, allowing them to be defeated by a fat man in a red suit. Or some scissors.

What It's Probably About

Faced with imminent destruction at the hands of Martians and badly designed robots, the human races calls on its greatest weapon: Santa Claus. He melts the hearts of the Martians with the Christmas Spirit and while they're crying and saying "sorry" for invading, we sneak 'round the back and nuclear holocaust their home planet.

Best Line from Amazon Reviewers

"This Santa is as creepy as Michael Jackson...not on my planet, buddy! Mars needs women, not strange old men who like children. Come to think of it, the whole Santa myth gives me the shivers. Santa watches everything kids do, right? Even when they use the toilet or when they're changing?"

Uh...I don't know. It's not a question sane people ask themselves. Perhaps the FBI can answer it. You should phone them.

4. Thriller

image

The DVD Cover

Shotgun-wielding, eyepatch-wearing, good looking girls are featured in surprisingly few films, which is a shame, because they can make even the weirdest of DVD covers look super cool.

What It's Probably About

Shot-gunning and eye-gouging hopefully, with a healthy dose of nudity. Perhaps the heroine is seeking revenge on the person who took her eye, or perhaps she's just a maniac with a gun and a pirate fetish. Either way this film looks great, like Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, but without all the fake cockneys.

Best Line from Amazon Reviewers

"The sex in the red version is rated X where you can see the special hug that adults do in close up graphic detail"

That's the sweetest description of graphic, X-rated, sex I've ever seen. It reads like it was written by Elmo.

3. Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers

image

The DVD Cover

I wasn't going to buy this, but then I noticed the endorsement at the bottom right ("The 4th Greatest B-Movie of All Time") and I was sold. Also, the scantily clad-woman holding a huge chainsaw played a part in the decision.

What It's Probably About

An entrepreneurial hooker decides to fuse her love for cutting s*** up with her prostitution business. But can she get the work permits and necessary documentation through the planning committee on time? Or will she have to f*** and chainsaw-murder her way through the California State Senate? Answer: She will have to f*** and chainsaw-murder her way through the California State Senate.

Best Line from Amazon Reviewers

"This is not WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE'S HOLLYWOOD CHAINSAW HOOKERS"

Yeah, that's right. William Shakespeare's Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers has a lot more soliloquies and stars Kenneth Branagh as the hooker and Patrick Stewart as the chainsaw.

2. The Human Tornado

image

The DVD Cover

If there's one thing DVD covers need more of its pictures of people punching the f*** out of some other people. Frost/Nixon was a pretty good movie, but it would have sold more DVDs if the cover had Nixon uppercutting the smug out of David Frost. So while the design of this cover might be quite basic, it's still awesome, because that guy's fist is huge, and it just punched some vehicles into the air.

What It's Probably About

One man, one fist, and 600 other minor characters with punch-ready faces equals 90 minutes of pure brilliance. There's probably a plot as well, something about saving a girlfriend, or stopping a bomb or something. It's not important though, because this film is all about the punching. Punching people, punching cars, just general punching.

Best Line from Amazon Reviewers

"Nothing beats [his], jokin, hustling, kung-fu ways. NOTHING!!! Step off, Batman!!!"

That's a pretty ballsy claim, but I'm willing to believe it because, well, look at the size of that fist.

1. The Thing With Two Heads

image

The DVD Cover

A white guy and a black guy who "hate each others guts" are surgically attached at the neck. There's really no need to comment any further except to say that this looks like the greatest cop show of all time.

What It's Probably About

A white supremacist cop has his head sown on to the body of a black cop, because that's the kind of thing surgeons did back in the '70s.

After the President is kidnapped by clowns, The Thing with Two Heads is tasked with tracking them down and dispensing justice as only a black militant/racist southerner hybrid can. It's kind of like The Wire, in that it subtly deals with the issues of race.

Best Line from Amazon Reviewers

"The Thing with Two Heads' can't quite figure out exactly what it wants to be"

No s*** Einstein, it's got two f***ing heads.

Loading...