The 12 Greatest Films on Amazon (Based Entirely on the DVD Cover) | SPIKE

There are many ways to judge the quality of a film -- the standard of acting, the writing, the amount of scenes featuring a naked Hayden Panettiere. Here at Spike though, I decided to judge the quality of movies based purely on the DVD cover art, and then blew this year's budget buying them from Amazon, watching them, and then realizing that I may have made a huge mistake. Still, I got an article out of it.

Source: Amazon.com

By Danny Harkins

12. She Wolves of the Wasteland

The DVD Cover

This looks a little bit like Fallout 3, except instead of the Brotherhood of Steel it's got a Sisterhood of Getting Naked and Angry and Carry Guns and Looking Hot. They should probably invest in some body armor though, or at the very least, some pants.

What It's Probably About

In the not too distant future, an angry Belgium launches a nuclear attack on the United States, turning Washington D.C into a desolated wasteland, with lots of guns and ammunition and medi-packs lying conveniently around.

This hostile environment gives birth to a new army, an army of former models with weapons training, who aim to rebuild the U.S.A. and seek revenge on the dastardly Belgians.

 Best Line from Amazon Reviewers

"There is not one love scene in the whole movie lesbian or heterosexual! and that's to its credit in my opionion"

Your "opionion" is wrong. Every movie can be improved by a love scene, especially lesbian scenes. There Will Be Blood, for instance. That movie was in desperate need of some lesbians. Or a plot. I would have settled for either.

11. Doctor of Doom and Wrestling Women Vs The Aztec Mummy

The DVD Cover

Some people would say that there's too much going on in this DVD cover but those people are wrong. You can never have too many monsters, unless you're a young co-ed on vacation at an isolated cabin, in which case, RUN AWAY!

What It's Probably About

I have no f***ing idea. I mean, there's probably some wrestling women in there, and a mummy and someone called Doctor Doom, but other then that, your guess is as good as mine. It took me five minutes to find the title of the movie on the cover.

Best Line from Amazon Reviewers

"The first of what is promised to be a release of Mexican horror films purchased from Mexico."

So this is an American remake of a Mexican film? I knew Hollywood were short of ideas but I didn't realize it was that bad. Thank God we've still got a few innovative, creative filmmakers around, like Roman Polanski. I'm sure he'll be making a new film any day now.

10. Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama

The DVD Cover

The two men chained up on the floor are probably the slimeballs, the women are the sorority babes, and the giant, grey, clawed hand is...the...uh...comic relief? Strangely, it's not actually the most distracting thing on the cover. That would be the squatting women in black who looks like she's taking a dump.

What It's Probably About

Three college girls who look like they're in their 30s decide to visit a Bowl-O-Rama. Once there, they chain up some slimeballs and force them to help them win the state championship. Occasionally, a giant, grey, clawed hand comes out of the darkness and cracks wise about their zany antics, like Joe Pesci in Lethal Weapon 2.

Best Line from Amazon Reviewers

"if you walk in on this movie at the wrong time it may seem that it is a fully-fledged porno"

That could be said for lots of films though. The Shining, for instance, but only if you're into furry porn.

 9. Hookers in Revolt

The DVD Cover

Why is that girl so upset? Is it because her favorite book is being burned? Why is she naked? What are those things covering her nipples? Why do I have an erection? All questions which led to this DVD being included on the list.

What It's Probably About

I'm not entirely sure how the hookers are planning on revolting but it will probably involve forming a union. That girl on the cover could certainly use tighter workplace safety regulations.

Best Line from Amazon Reviewers

"Something else to look for is the ‘Animal Farm' tie-in"

The director's next film is an adaptation of 1984 called When Pornstars Attack. It's what George Orwell would have wanted. Probably.