The Five Ways To Make Your Member Bigger (and Why You Really Don't Want to Use Them)
If there's one thing a look at your spam filter tells you, it's that men the world over want a bigger penis, and they're willing to pay to get it. It doesn't matter how stupid it is: if there's a chance to get one more inch out of man's most valuable organ, people will do it, and do it gladly.
But do they actually work? And do you really want them to? Here are five ways to enlarge, and why they'll make you satisfied with your current package.
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By Dan Seitz
5. Cosmetic Surgery
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Just like everything else people don't like about their bodies, overpaid doctors have a simple surgical procedure to enhance the size of your favorite organ. All they do is sedate you and wrap it in a sheet of fake skin known as Alloderm.
Of course, Alloderm is made out of corpses. So, if you go for this, just keep in mind it's probably somebody's mom you're inserting into the orifice of your choice.
4. Actual Surgery
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So corpse skin on your penis doesn't particularly appeal to you.
Luckily, there are overpaid surgeons in many other fields, and they've worked out another method. All they have to do is go in and cut the suspensory ligament in your pelvis! This is what keeps your Johnson close to the body, and cutting it will let more of you hang out.
Of course, until it heals, your erections will point at odd angles, and it might actually pull in more of your
penis when it heals. But it's all about image, right?
3. "Natural" "Herbal" "Enhancement"
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Well, the wonders of medical science were a total bust when it comes to skin flute improvement. Maybe late night television can save us where science failed!
While there are a lot of these pills out there, the most famous of which is being plugged by a guy we're pretty sure is the Joker, pretty much all of them work as a vasodilator (i.e. it opens up your blood vessels to let more blood in). Of course, this isn't a good idea for any number of reasons, not the least of which is that the guy who started Enzyte got packed off to jail for, oh, twenty-five years for fraud.
But leaving out the boner pills endorsed by a Batman villain, herbal supplements have been found to contain all sorts of disgusting crap, and penis pills are no exception. We could reel off all the various foul substances, but we think nothing will get the point across like telling you that if somebody says Smilin' Bob has a s***-eating grin, well, they're not terribly picky about where they get those herbs. Popping these pills might mean you're eating cow manure.