The Five Ways To Make Your Member Bigger (and Why You Really Don't Want to Use Them)

July 20, 2009

If there's one thing a look at your spam filter tells you, it's that men the world over want a bigger penis, and they're willing to pay to get it.  It doesn't matter how stupid it is: if there's a chance to get one more inch out of man's most valuable organ, people will do it, and do it gladly.

But do they actually work?  And do you really want them to?  Here are five ways to enlarge, and why they'll make you satisfied with your current package.

Source: John Rensten/Lifesize/Getty Images

By Dan Seitz

5. Cosmetic Surgery


Source: Stockbyte/Getty Images

Just like everything else people don't like about their bodies, overpaid doctors have a simple surgical procedure to enhance the size of your favorite organ.  All they do is sedate you and wrap it in a sheet of fake skin known as Alloderm.

Of course, Alloderm is made out of corpses. So, if you go for this, just keep in mind it's probably somebody's mom you're inserting into the orifice of your choice.

4. Actual Surgery


Source: Tony Hutchings/Photographer’s Choice/Getty Images

So corpse skin on your penis doesn't particularly appeal to you.

Luckily, there are overpaid surgeons in many other fields, and they've worked out another method.  All they have to do is go in and cut the suspensory ligament in your pelvis!  This is what keeps your Johnson close to the body, and cutting it will let more of you hang out. 

Of course, until it heals, your erections will point at odd angles, and it might actually pull in more of your
penis when it heals.  But it's all about image, right?

3. "Natural" "Herbal" "Enhancement"


Source: Visuals Unlimited/Getty Images

Well, the wonders of medical science were a total bust when it comes to skin flute improvement.  Maybe late night television can save us where science failed!

While there are a lot of these pills out there, the most famous of which is being plugged by a guy we're pretty sure is the Joker, pretty much all of them work as a vasodilator (i.e. it opens up your blood vessels to let more blood in).  Of course, this isn't a good idea for any number of reasons, not the least of which is that the guy who started Enzyte got packed off to jail for, oh, twenty-five years for fraud.

But leaving out the boner pills endorsed by a Batman villain, herbal supplements have been found to contain all sorts of disgusting crap, and penis pills are no exception.  We could reel off all the various foul substances, but we think nothing will get the point across like telling you that if somebody says Smilin' Bob has a s***-eating grin, well, they're not terribly picky about where they get those herbs. Popping these pills might mean you're eating cow manure.

2. Jelqing


Source: Handbuch der Sexualwissenschaften

So, the herbs are out.  What's left?  How about Jelqing?  Jelqing is a technique where you anchor the base of Mini-Me with something and then pull on it repeatedly.  You know, this technique sounds familiar somehow...

The theory is that by tugging really hard on it, you'll get the cells to divide.  Debate on this idea is also divided, between desperate guys with tiny members and scientists screaming about how biology doesn't work that way.  The short (very short) of it is that nobody's tested this in a lab, probably because it sounds like you want to get paid to watch men masturbate.  Also, the side effects feature a lot of words you don't want in the same sentence as "your penis" such as "scar tissue" and "bleeding."  At least "Grandma" isn't on the list.

1. Weights


Source: Alberto Ruggieri/Illustration Works/Getty Images

Religions around the world advocate this method: tie a weight to your member and let gravity give it a good stretch.  Yep.  Seriously.  Ever see that photo of the dude lifting rocks with his Most Valued Organ?  Yep, he's not doing it to win a bar bet.

The catch is that by stretching your penis out, it actually makes it less useful.  You see, the way your penis gets hard is by filling it up with blood, and the longer it is, the more blood you need.  So, the more stretched out you are, the softer you’ll be.

Even worse, it makes you thinner, so you'll have a long member but even the smallest holy of holiest will have that "hot dog down a hallway" feeling.  And that's exactly how all these religions like it.  The entire idea of tying weights to your penis is to stretch it out so much that you become completely impotent, and therefore better able to focus on your religious studies.

But, hey, at least you can use your member to lift rocks!  If you ever decide studying religion sucks and quit, you'll be able to win enough bar bets to keep drinking to numb the pain of your thin, useless penis.