The dictionary defines "manly" as "possessing qualities befitting a man." But do you know what's not manly? The dictionary. So rather than accept its definition, we found 10 sports-tastic examples that personify what it means to be a man/aggressive lady basketball player with anger management issues.
Source: NHL Network Online
10. Ian Laperriere Successfully Blocks a Slap Shot with his Face
Taking a slap shot to the shin can sting a little. Taking one to the face hurts even more. If you ever happen to run into Philadelphia Flyers right winger Ian Laperriere in the “poor decisions” aisle at Wal-Mart, make sure you ask him about the difference.
9. American Military Man Makes Natural Progression into Gold Medal Bobsledder
Photo: Will Aggezio/Getty Images Sport/Getty Images
When most army veterans are discharged from the service they have two very distinct career options available to them. First, they can use their extensive training to pursue vocational opportunities in the corporate world where many men in uniform routinely excel. Second, they can hurl themselves down an icy death-trap in a glorified tin can every four years in the hope of winning an Olympic Gold medal. Luckily for American sports fans, Steve Holcomb called in sick to his interview at Staples.
The 30-year-old Utah native opted for option two in the post-military career handbook and became an Olympic bobsledder after his discharge in 2006.
Four years later, with a decorated military past guiding him through the traitorous, icy paths of the Vancouver Olympic bobsled track, Holcomb shocked the world and gave the United States their first bobsled gold medal in nearly 80 years. It was a victory for America, the Olympics, and every military man who secretly wanted to choose the “icy death can” option on career day.
8. Two Players Fit Three Days Worth of Tennis into One Long, Entertaining Match
Photo: AFP/Getty Images
When John Isner and Nicolas Mahut met at Wimbledon, everybody expected a hard fought match that would produce a worthy victor. 11 hours and 183 games later, that’s exactly what happened.
After sitting tied at two sets apiece, the two entered a third tie-breaking set that would determine the eventual winner. Through six sets, the two remained tied and would be forced to enter the “win by two” extra frame format made popular in ping pong and midget tossing.
Normally, a winner is crowned when the first player reaches no more than 10 (maybe 12 if they’re feeling feisty) points. In this particular match, however, Isner and Mahut played 183 points (over three days) until Isner eventually won 70-68. Neither man gave up or let fatigue kick in.
It was hands down the gutsiest tennis performance off all-time (which, admittedly is not the strongest statement) and showed the world that unless you’re selected on the San Jose Sharks playoff roster, quitting is never an option.
7. Brian Wilson’s Beard Becomes the Most Popular Player in the World Series
Photo: Ron Vesequez/Getty Images Sport/Getty Images
In high school, leggy blondes who wear slutty cheerleading outfits to football games are the most popular people around. In San Francisco, however, a grown man with a giant (Just for Men-dyed) beard and no evidence of regular bathing can’t walk down the recycling bin-lined streets without having a pair of organic cotton panties thrown at him.
Brian Wilson, who looks like he’s constantly gearing up for a Grateful Dead concert, became the poster boy (along with Marijuana possession arrestee Tim Lincecum) for the 2010 San Francisco Giants World Series win. His commitment to facial hair and yelling finally took the spotlight off of pretty boy pitchers like Randy Johnson and Pedro Martinez and placed it back onto the “guy’s guy” world of facial hair. It was a victory for both Bay Area baseball and men who want to play professional sports, but are far too lazy to shave.
6. Gilbert Arenas Exercises his Right to Bear Arms All Over the Washington Wizards Locker Room
Photo: Bennett Rayhn/Getty Images Sport/Getty Images
Gilbert Arenas kicked off 2010 in style when he borderline-threatened a teammate by ominously placing unregistered weapons into his locker. It cost him millions of dollars and a season-long suspension, but nobody ever tried to steal $50 from him ever again.
In case you don’t read the sports section or DC police reports here’s how a journalist at ESPN described it:
Multiple sources told ESPN.com that an argument commenced during a card game on the team's overnight flight back to Washington from Phoenix on Dec. 19 and escalated into a heated exchange between Arenas and Crittenton. The Wizards had Dec. 20 off, but sources say hostilities between the two Wizards guards resumed Dec. 21 in the locker room on a practice day.
Sources say that Arenas, in response to what was said on the flight, placed the three guns on a chair near Crittenton's locker stall and invited him to pick one before practice on Dec. 21. Sources said that Crittenton subsequently let Arenas know that he had his own gun.
The Washington Post reported in Sunday's editions that Arenas, according to sources, was expecting Crittenton to see the guns on his chair as a joke based on the earlier back-and-forth on the plane, during which Crittenton allegedly said that he would shoot Arenas in his surgically repaired knee. But Crittenton, according to the Post, reacted angrily and tossed one of the guns to the floor, saying he had his own.
What the report doesn’t say is that Arenas is back to making an eight-figure salary this year while Crittenton was sent off to play for the NBA’s least talented, just like the founding fathers had in mind when they scribed the Constitution.
5. Losers Always Whine about their Best, Winners Go Home and Screw the Sexy Television Reporter
After winning the World Cup with a performance that people who care about soccer described as “more interesting than you’d think,” Spanish goalie Iker Casillas was interviewed by an attractive reporter (that he happened to be sleeping with). Rather than keep his professional and sex lives separate, Casillas decided to do the next best thing and make out with her on camera. It may not have been gutsy, but winning the world’s biggest tournament and then making out with the sideline eye candy is about as manly as it gets.
4. Sports World Musters the Courage to Collectively Hate LeBron James
Photo: Greg Shamis/Getty Images Sport/Getty Images
When one of your buddies is cheating on his wife with a less attractive prostitute or starts downloading Nickelback songs on iTunes, it’s the manly duty of his friends to stop him and say “dude, you’re kind of being a douche.” This is precisely the sentiment that occurred when the entire sports world began judging LeBron James during the NBA free agency period.
After playing a two-year game of "look how important I am" with the esteemed basketball media, James entered the 2010 postseason determined to make a name for himself by taunting his hometown fans and burning the only bridge out of town.
While many pundits who watched him urinate all over the sport during his hour-long “Decision Special” could have pandered to his ego and promoted his narcissistic douchebaggery, they decided to do the right thing and call him out on his crap.
“How dare he degrade the sport and turn things into a showcase of self-absorption” – One writer scribed.
“What an a-hole,” said another.
“I can’t stand him,” a small child being indoctrinated by his parents posted on YouTube.
It was, perhaps, the greatest display of collective friendship in the history of sports. Had we (yes, we were all a part of it) not stepped in and pointed out his douchiness, he might never have considered maybe occasionally stopping.
3. Brittney Griner Punches Poor Sportsmanship in the Face
Ever since she climbed out of her mother’s giant – now permanently damaged – womb, 6-foot, 8-inch Brittney Griner has been a victim of bitter, shorter people trying to bring her down.
Earlier this year, in a sparsely attended lady basketball game between her Baylor Bears and the Texas Tech Red Raiders (or whatever cute nickname the schools bestow upon their women’s teams), Griner was harassed both verbally and physically. Rather than turn the other cheek or combat it with unsportsmanlike rhetoric, Griner decided to take matters into her own giant hands and address the issue with a mean right cross.
It may have been a little on the “oh come on, she wasn’t even looking” side, but when faced with the problem of being bullied by an entire team, she stood up for herself by using physical violence, and that’s a superb way of handling things. Always.
Way to man up, Brit-Brit.
2. Steve Nash Refers to his Horribly Broken Nose as a “Mild Injury” and Keeps Playing
Photo: Christian Petersen/Getty Images Sport/Getty Images
In Game 3 of the Western Conference Finals between the Phoenix Suns and a Los Angeles basketball team largely powered by bad karma and a man married to Kim Kardashian’s less attractive brother, Khloe, Steve Nash had a slight nose injury. Specifically, he broke it in about 132 places.
While most people (or at least non-Canadians) would have taken some time to feel seething pain and relax on the bench, Nash immediately urged his coaches to put him back in the game, and refused to skip any of the series.
It takes a special person to sacrifice beauty for the benefit of the team. Fortunately, Nash doesn’t have too much to give up, so the decision was probably a little easier than you’d expect.
Kudos, Mr. Victoria.
1. Duncan Keith Isn’t Going to Let Seven Missing Teeth Ruin a Perfectly Good Hockey Game
Photo: Photo: Will Aggezio/Getty Images Sport/Getty Images/Getty Images Sport/Getty Images
Hockey is a lot like baseball and soccer, only instead of routinely taking games off for sore fingers and emotional issues, NHL veterans routinely play through mind-numbing injuries. Just ask Duncan Keith, who lost seven teeth during the second period of a Western Conference playoff game against the San Jose Sharks and continued playing directly after.
Rather than try to describe the event, let's just use some statements Keith gave reporters that seem to sum things up pretty nicely. Yes, these are actual quotes from a real human being who probably feels pain:
I took one breath and it felt like my whole mouth was missing, so I knew there were some teeth gone. I saw a couple fall out, and I had one in the back of my throat. I could feel it and coughed it out. A bunch of them disintegrated, it felt like.
I just smashed all my teeth out. They numbed it after it happened; they just stuck a bunch of needles in there and froze it all up. It feels a lot better when we win. It would probably be hurting a lot more if we lost.
On an unrelated note, four different NBA players are listed as questionable for tonight due to sore ankles.
Bonus "Man Play of the Year":
Blake Griffin Finds Exciting New Way to Humiliate Confused Russian Man Standing Underneath the Basket
If you watch this dunk and don’t immediately throw out the term “that was the dunk of a man,” you’re clearly a Communist and should go back to watching semi-professional mini-golf on your 13-inch tube television: