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The Top 10 Disappointing Movies of 2009

by nathanbloch   December 30, 2009 at 10:00AM  |  Views: 506

There can’t be winners without losers, and it’s safe to say there were plenty of movies that were losers in 2009. It was hard to cull the herd down to just 10, but it had to be done (in the name of science). Some of these had potential, and some of these just annoyed the crap out of us, but all of them were huge disappointments.

Source: The Halcyon Company

10. Land of the Lost

Here’s the set-up: we’ve got time travel, hot chicks, dinosaurs, and Will Ferrell -- all in one movie. This had built-in awesomeness from the get-go, and yet it still sucked. To say this was a disappointment is like saying finding out the ingredients of scrapple is a disappointment: you should’ve known better than to watch the movie (or ask about the pigs eyes and hooves that go into scrapple). On the upside…well, at least there’s not going to be a sequel. Right?

9. Knowing

Knowing did a really good job of simulating a good movie: the big effects sequences and set pieces, the A-list star, the high concept. But then when you took it all apart and analyzed the pieces of the puzzle the picture was not so pretty. The effects looked like they were rendered on an iMac, Nicolas Cage’s classic befuddled horror expression was firmly in place for the entire movie, and (hints of a SPOILER coming up) let’s be perfectly honest: the ending of Knowing was downright ridiculous. It made the ending of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull look like the ending of 2001. As far as apocalyptic sci-fis go, this was the biggest loser of the year.

8. Observe and Report

After the first trailer for Observe and Report hit the internet and theaters it was looking like this might be the funniest thing to come out of 2009. Seth Rogen was finally playing a character who wasn’t a teddy bear, and the jokes from the trailer alone were offensive enough to piss off feminist movements everywhere. I mean, you had date rape in the trailer for God’s sake – writer/director Jody Hill was clearly intent on taking some risks with this thing.

But, in the end, all we got was foul language used for the sake of having foul language, a date rape scene whose outrageous humor had long since been defused by saturated advertising, and scenarios that defied the suspension of disbelief. One moment Ronnie is fat, psychologically disturbed, and incompetent, and the next he’s a superhero. It’s hard to laugh at a cartoon that hasn’t figured out it’s animated.

7. Angels & Demons

Tom Hanks has the market cornered where intellectually fraught, suspense-lacking thrillers are concerned. It’s hard to know how many people were actually excited about Angels & Demons after the first film, The Da Vinci Code, was released. But if people weren’t soured on the franchise after the first film, they probably are now. There’s nothing wrong with a thriller that takes place in the Vatican, it’s just that we need something to spice up the story a little bit. Give us ghosts, monsters, or zombies, but for God’s sake give us something other than a bunch of Catholics in a mediocre murder mystery.

6. Miss March

This may not have had the potential to win any Oscars, but for a movie about a couple of guys in search of a Playboy model at the Playboy mansion it definitely failed on just about every level. The jokes seemed to be written by twelve year-olds for eleven year-olds, the acting was over-the-top obnoxious, and the story was predictably idiotic. It’s probably no coincidence that the subdivision of Fox that made this movie, Fox Atomic, went down in flames with the rest of the wreckage during the height of the economic crisis. Good riddance to bad rubbish.