The 10 Dumbest Death Jokes in Movie History

April 19, 2011
Action stars spend entire films trying to be some awesome badass that can be totally unfazed by sudden and loud explosions, mindless gore and death, and unbelievably bad puns. Then they have to go and ruin it with these horrid one-liners.

Source: Hollywood Pictures

10. Nicolas Cage’s “You’re the Rocket Man” in The Rock

Nic Cage’s classic pop-loving FBI agent with the googly eyes finds himself face to face with a very angry Marine and the work end of his gut-chewing knife in this modern action classic. The only weapon he has at his disposal is an anti-ballistic missile and, as we all learned from The Untouchables, you never bring a knife to a tactical nuclear missile fight.

Since the smooth sounds of the ‘60s, ‘70s and ‘80s pop into his head when he’s in panic mode, Cage’s character asks the military meathead if he likes Elton John and then remarks “Because you’re the Rocket Man” before launching the rocket at point blank range at the marine’s chest. That oughta teach him not to f*** with guys who thought “Crocodile Rock” was cool back in high school.

What He Could Have Said Instead:

“Is that a rocket in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”

“Time for you to take-off, which would kind of make sense if this were a transportation modifiled rocket and not a weapons grade rocket.”

“Hold still while I shoot this anti-ballistic missile directly into your sternum.”

9. “Arnold Schwarzenegger’s “He had to split” in The Running Man

Source: Republic Pictures

Put a chainsaw in the Schwarz’s hands and he’s bound to cut up more than a few poorly trained henchmen. And he’ll throw out more unnecessary puns while doing it than a heavily coked-up Rip Taylor.

The 1987 film version of the game show that’s bound to hit our televisions soon as long as FOX is still on the air featured just such a moment when Schwarzenegger slices up the big baddie by gutting him from nuts to neck with his own chainsaw, then remarking to a friend, “He had to split.” What did he think was going to happen? Were they expecting Buzzsaw for tea or a full body vivisection?

What He Could Have Said Instead:

“You’re not half the man you used to be...wait a minute, math confuses me.”

“Nice to saw you, I mean ‘see’ but in the past tense.”

“Please, accept this working chainsaw that I’m about to slam into your crotch as a metaphor of my true feeling towards you.”

8. Roger Moore’s “It had a crush on me” in Moonraker

Source: United Artists

You can bet that if you’re watching a James Bond movie that the luckiest person in the theater is the poor schlub who gets the face full of bullets because he’s the only one who won’t have to hear the groan-worthty pun that could make a prop comic’s face melt clean off.

In this low point of the James Bond series, 007 walks into a trap that couldn’t be more obvious if an unconscious Bond girl was hanging over a pile of leaves and had to wrestle with a large man-squeezing python. Bond remarks “It had a crush on me” when he kills off the villain’s pet as a haphazard apology…because Petco doesn’t take refunds.

What He Could Have Said Instead:

“I’m not a hugger.”

“It had a crush on me and it refuses to sleep with me, and in this movies, anything that doesn’t immediately have sex with me, I’m obligated to kill it.”

“I am so sorry for killing your snake. Please let me know where I can send my condolences in lieu of flowers.”

7. Freddy Krueger’s “You Forgot the Power Glove” from Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare

Source: New Line Cinema

If you’re a child of the ‘80s, then you’ve had to suffer through every incarnation of the Nightmare on Elm Street franchise and it scarred you for life. And not in the way that Wes Craven initially intended.

This “final” contribution to the franchise (you knew that was a lie) tried to give the dream killer a more hip twist when it comes to slicing up teenagers, as if slicing up teenagers wasn’t already cool as hell. He’s uses a poorly modded Nintendo to lure Breckin Meyer into his trap and turns him into a video game character to enact his dream death, only his friends try to stop him time by knocking the controller out of his hand. Of course, his infamous glove can enact an automatic death kill causing him to remark “You forgot the Power Glove,” making it the only time Nintendo has wished they could take a product placement out of a film since The Wizard.

What He Could Have Said Instead:

“I love the Power Glove. It’s so bad, bitch!”

“Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, start, b***h!”

“Ha, your silly attempts to knock the controller out of my hand have proven futile since I have this automatic kill button on my glove, bitch!”

6. Bruce Willis’ “You won’t be attending that hat convention in July!” in Hudson Hawk

Source: TriStar Pictures

It’s hard to know just which of the bad lines from this obscure bomb is worthy of attention, mainly because I haven’t seen this movie in nearly eight years and even when I did, I was really drunk by the second act.

Our hero (I think) dispatches an evil butler with spring-loaded switchblades in his finely tailored sleeves by pinning his sherry-swilling ass to a door by his own weaponry. By a complete loss of logic and basic physics, he cuts off his own head with them, causing Willis to quip “You won’t be attending that hat convention in July!”

What He Could Have Said Instead:

“You won’t be attending that hat convention in July! I hope your deposit on the hotel room is refundable.”

“I’d say you’ll never get a head in life, but that really wouldn’t make sense and would just be filler and counterproductive to the plot.”

“Holy f***! He cut off his own head! How the f*** does that happen?”

5. Harrison Ford’s “Get off my plane” in Air Force One

Source: Columbia Pictures

It’s really one of those lines the audience should’ve sense coming, but even when they do finally hear it, it’s like watching a car accident starting from the drunk who gets in his car as he leaves the bar. It just makes you feel like it’s something you could have prevented.

Just as the president kicks the lead terrorist off the plane by strangling him with his own parachute and the awesome power of wind, he belches out the phrase “Get off my plane!”, which most audiences actually mistook as an order from the star to get out of the theater since most of them left long before they ever heard the line.

What He Could Have Said Instead:

“Your ass can be used as a flotation device.”

“Don’t let the rudder hit you in the ass on the way out.”“Please exit the aircraft one row at a time and make sure that none of the items in the overhead bins have shifted during takeoff.”

4. Sean Connery’s “I think he got the point” in Thunderball

Source: United Artists

It’s hard to pick on this James Bond movie because, well, it’s actually good. Sure it’s no Dr. No but at least it’s no “every other James Bond movie to come out since then.”

Bond is doing what Bond does best: score with hotties on the taxpayers’ dime, and just as he’s about to get wiped off the MI5 payroll, his lay of the week scores a perfect kill against one of the henchman by shooting him in the gut with a harpoon. Bond takes a pretty pause and remarks, “I think he got the point.” And somehow, despite the presence of his obvious lack of a sense of humor and a dead body in the room, the date continues around third base.

What He Could Have Said Instead:

“Whoa, that just sucked all the love out of the room. You wanna just call it a night?”

“We should really put down some newspaper or something. That blood’s going to stain.”

“Ha! You just got shot in the gut with a harpoon! Sucks to be you, motherf*****!”

3. John Goodman’s “More like a non-ja” in Speed Racer

Source: Warner Bros. Pictures

Usually when ninjas are involved in a fight, there’s no time to enact some groanworthy pun because you’re being attacked from all sides and the writers don’t have time to throw something together before lunch. They are union, after all.So when Speed kicks the guts out of some hapless ninja hired to kill him in his sleep (something, by the way, a baby with a frying pan and a lot of will to do it could’ve done), Goodman cleverly calls him a “non-ja” reminding the audience the Wachowski Brothers actually made this movie for nine-year olds in 1968.

What He Could Have Said Instead:

“That’s one lousy ninja.”

“A ninja couldn’t kill you while you were sleeping? I could do that and my jiggly gut makes more noise than the ocean when I’m tiptoeing.”

“He’s probably a stunt guy from The Matrix.”

2. Dolph Lundgren’s “You go in pieces, a**hole” in I Come in Peace

The list of annoying movie aliens is so long that it would probably crash the Internet. And I don’t want to be put on a list of enemy combatants, thank you very much.

The “bad alien” from the Dolph Lundgren laughfest I Come in Peace would rank rather high on the list because he spends the majority of the movie uttering the movie’s title until Lundgren blows him to pieces after uttering “No, you go in pieces, a**hole” before, well, if you can’t figure it out, then you probably enjoyed the movie.

What He Could Have Said Instead:

“Prepare to get probed in a non-sexual manner, of course.”

“I’d make a clever remark about E.T., but I’ve actually never seen it. It’s on my Netflix though.”

“This Universal Soldier is not going to let this Master of the Universe be a View to Kill, Universal Soldier: Regeneration.”

1. Eric Freeman’s “Garbage Day!” from Silent Night, Deadly Night 2

Source: Silent Night Releasing Corporation

I know I’ve basically spent about 1,000 words abhorring the excessive use of forced puns but in this case, I’d rather have a “Time to put a lid on this” or even a “Time to take out the trash.” It’s the only time that Carrot Top should be allowed to work.

The killer Santa from the first horrific slasher flick goes on a killing spree in a suburban neighborhood and when a hapless homeowner happens to bring the trash out to the curb, the killer smiles and utters the funniest kill line in movie history before blowing him away. The scene is so bad and over the top that it’s become a classic Internet meme, along with every else that’s fake and hilarious like cats that can play keyboards, doped-up children, and Sarah Palin.

What He Could Have Said Instead:

“Newspapers go in the blue bin, motherf*****.”

“Remember me from the first film? Neither do I.”

“Get off my plane!”