It's a new year and you forgot to write some resolutions. Don’t worry. Those things are a waste of time. This year, be a man. Try setting the bar a little higher, even if you don’t have enough muscle mass to do one chin up over it.
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10. Be a Better Wingman
Your friend has been there for you. He’s taken the lower rung on the totem pole when your last girlfriend left you higher and drier than a stoner who fell asleep in a Maytag. It’s time to return the favor tenfold.
Don’t just introduce your friend to the babe at the bar he’s had his eye on since you both walked in the joint. Heap snow shovels full of glowing praise on her with tales of his bravery, heroism and sensitivity (just repeat the plot of either your favorite Mel Gibson or Daniel Day Lewis movie if the last brave thing he did was drink a can of opened beer that may or may not have had a cigarette butt inside of it).
Then distract her friends by buying rounds of delicious drinks and food until they are too full, drunk or tired to fend the men off of her. When you see your friend and his dream girl waltz out of the bar hand in hand, rest assured that you’re the better man by becoming a better wingman. And make sure you use his credit card to pick up the tab. We said be a better wingman, not a better pimp.
9. Race a Supercar
It’s the ultimate David vs. Goliath, Truman vs. Dewey, Jake vs. the Fatman kind of feud. You pull up to a spotlight in your used, four cylinder, 140 horsepower Pontiac Sunfire just enjoying the fact that you have a debt-free car on a perfect sunny day for driving. Then some flashy douchebag pulls up next to you in his brand new, eight cylinder, 420 horsepower Aston Martin DB9 that he bought after his ninth trip to Colombia this year.
He revs his engine just to get your attention. All you can do is look his way, watch him flash that dookie-eating smirk that could make a dog hungry and crank up the music in your own car to drown out the sound that emits from his vibrating ego.
Instead of that, why not rev back and show him that what you lack in muscle, you more than make up for in heart. He revs back even louder causing people on the sidewalk to fall over--torso first. You rev back, barely able to get a small poodle out of the path of your white-hot domestic automotive blur. You both wait for the green and just before he spins his tires and leaves you and the rest of the known universe in a pile of smoke and rubber, you feel as alive as a revived body bag resident who swears he saw the white light. Sure, you couldn’t have lost worse if you were trying to outrun him on a pogo stick, but damnit you’re alive.
And rest assured you are the true winner because you won’t have to stop for gas after you both pass the third block.
8. Hit on a Supermodel
Any guy can muster the courage to talk to a girl whose life has trained them to think they're out of their league. Try hitting on someone who isn’t even in your species.
First off, if you get the opportunity to actually carry this one out, than fate will always be your wingman. Find the gumption to walk right up to her (or him, we’re not judgmental), stick out your hand and offer them a drink. Then lay down the kind of double entrendre smack talk that would seem too risqué for a Russ Meyer movie and watch what happens.
The chances of such slovenly swooning working to your advantage are lower than getting a chance to hit on Amelia Earhart. But the experience will serve you well because if you can experience the rejection of someone who gets paid to be hot, then the true person of your dreams whose substance makes her hot shouldn’t take nearly as much gumption…or money. The kind of bars supermodels hang out in require an estimate and at least three forms of identification just for a lousy Manhattan.
7. Compete in an Eating Contest
Kicking an eating habit is hard, especially if it's for food you know you shouldn’t eat. Leaving it alone isn’t as simple as it sounds. The less you have it, the more you can hear it calling your name, taunting you, egging you on, saying things about your mother that a demon-possessed child wouldn’t dare utter. What better way to put that little bastard in its place than by eating 500 of its closest friends and relatives in less time than it takes him to write them a eulogy?
It’s an extremely fun form of aversion therapy. You take in as much as you can as fast as you can so that eventually, you’ll get so sick of it and stop wanting it all together. So if you lose, you’ll be a winner because your cravings for fatty food will be gone. And if you’re a winner, you might have the chance to move into the lucrative world of competitive eating and become the million dollar athlete your parents always secretly hoped you would become.
6. Take your Car Apart and Put it Back Together
It may look like a hunk of metal that gets you to and from work without having to waste time getting fresh air and exercise. But every car has a complex inner space of skeletons and systems that will make you believe in a higher power. Oh, that and the whole miracle of life thing.
So why not find out what makes it tick by stripping off the body and laying it out piece-by-piece until it’s just a neatly organized pile of bits and bolts that used to be your car? The experience will not only subconsciously make you take better care of her, but the next time you hear pieces of metal rolling around in your four-wheeled washing machine, you’ll at least know that it’s your fault.
5. Hunt Something That Can Kill You
The closer you are to death, the more alive you’ll feel. That feeling of impending dread and certain doom will trigger nerve endings and reserved deposits of adrenaline you never thought you had. The world will become your space walk for the five seconds that gravity can hold back the piano that’s about to land on your head or your body as it plummets toward the Earth.
So if you gotta go, why not go with a sporting chance? Grab a couple of buddies, the hunting rifle with the name of the girl who broke your heart in high school and a map of grizzly bear habitats for a weekend of the four Fs: fun, frivolity and facing death square in the face and tell it to f*#k off.
And by hunting, we mean actually getting out of your house and going into the woods and hunting, not the computer simulated kind where you have to sit in a digital deer stand for hours at a time just to take two shots and miss. The only way that counts as hunting is if a real life bear is competing against you online.
4. Do Something You Would Never, Ever Do for your Woman
She’s been good to you. She goes to the alien horror gore flicks you want to see, even though they give her more fiendish nightmares than a drop of adrenochrome. She lets you and your friends clutter the living room floor with bits of chips that were in your lap but end up there every time your beloved New York Jets turn over the ball (which is a lot of chips).
It’s time you paid her back. Don’t buy her flowers or chocolate or treat her to a foot rub. Do something genuinely chivalrous, the kind of gallant and heroic act that would make a knight slaying a dragon look like a half-eaten Whitman’s Sampler.
Spend hours at a time standing with her in the “ladies” aisle of the supermarket and give her the time to pick out the things she needs, even though you can feel your skin trying to escape from your body the whole time. Take an intensive medically-eligible massage class so you can give her the kind of foot rub or shoulder massage that increases her rapid eye movement to the speed of sound. Take a bullet for her. She will thank you in ways that will help you realize why she spends so much time with her Thighmaster.
3. Invent Your Own Language
Any unimaginative schmuck with an empty spot on his resolution list can pencil in “Learn a second language” to balance out “Make the world’s largest root beer float” and “Meet TV’s Adam West.”
Take it to the next level: make your own language. Create one that requires at least five vowels in every word including “a” and “the.” Make one up that requires you to speak with a sock puppet hand that you call Mr. Wiggly. Hell, your language doesn’t even have to have spoken words. Create a language that incorporates high light road flares, uses studio sized spotlights or requires the use of at least three topless woman with B-cups or higher. Now there is a sentence worth diagramming.
2. Become a Better Self-Defender
Any guy can carry a Taser or stun gun in his back pocket in the hope he can react quickly enough to operate it or avoid accidentally zapping himself in the meat and produce department. Besides, any guy who spent their boyhood learning to survive on the mean streets of the school playground or cleared out an entire car of his buddies with nothing but a few spicy hot wings and an active colon know the greatest biological weapon in the world is the human body.
So why not take it in for an upgrade? Learn how to defend yourself when the chips are down with nothing but Buck Weaver (your left fist) and the Iron Sheik (your right fist) and if the situation requires it, good ol’ Churchill and Mr. John Jacob Jingleheimer whatever-body-part-you-might-give-such-ridiculous-names.
You may not learn anything except how to pretend you know what you are doing. But even if you don’t, each class is bound to have at least one embarrassing nut shot or hilarious Gi malfunction that will come in handy as a witty anecdote at your next frat party.
Besides, you might need to at least look like you know what you are doing for this last resolution…
1. Don’t Back Down from a Fight
We’re not suggesting that you purposely go to a strange bar, order a tall drink and throw it in an equally tall guy’s face. That’s just stupid and in some cases a felony, depending on if the drink was a tall glass of water or a brand of 200 proof whiskey that fire-eaters write off on their taxes as a business expense.
We’re talking about not backing down from a threat. The kind that comes naturally, one that starts between two friends over the NFL franchise that bagged more cheerleaders or at a wedding reception over who bagged the bride more times. Or even better, you can get into a fight with yourself. I do it all the time. No I don’t. Shut up.