The Top 10 New Year's Resolutions Every Guy Should Try
It's a new year and you forgot to write some resolutions. Don’t worry. Those things are a waste of time. This year, be a man. Try setting the bar a little higher, even if you don’t have enough muscle mass to do one chin up over it.
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10. Be a Better Wingman
Your friend has been there for you. He’s taken the lower rung on the totem pole when your last girlfriend left you higher and drier than a stoner who fell asleep in a Maytag. It’s time to return the favor tenfold.
Don’t just introduce your friend to the babe at the bar he’s had his eye on since you both walked in the joint. Heap snow shovels full of glowing praise on her with tales of his bravery, heroism and sensitivity (just repeat the plot of either your favorite Mel Gibson or Daniel Day Lewis movie if the last brave thing he did was drink a can of opened beer that may or may not have had a cigarette butt inside of it).
Then distract her friends by buying rounds of delicious drinks and food until they are too full, drunk or tired to fend the men off of her. When you see your friend and his dream girl waltz out of the bar hand in hand, rest assured that you’re the better man by becoming a better wingman. And make sure you use his credit card to pick up the tab. We said be a better wingman, not a better pimp.
9. Race a Supercar
It’s the ultimate David vs. Goliath, Truman vs. Dewey, Jake vs. the Fatman kind of feud. You pull up to a spotlight in your used, four cylinder, 140 horsepower Pontiac Sunfire just enjoying the fact that you have a debt-free car on a perfect sunny day for driving. Then some flashy douchebag pulls up next to you in his brand new, eight cylinder, 420 horsepower Aston Martin DB9 that he bought after his ninth trip to Colombia this year.
He revs his engine just to get your attention. All you can do is look his way, watch him flash that dookie-eating smirk that could make a dog hungry and crank up the music in your own car to drown out the sound that emits from his vibrating ego.
Instead of that, why not rev back and show him that what you lack in muscle, you more than make up for in heart. He revs back even louder causing people on the sidewalk to fall over--torso first. You rev back, barely able to get a small poodle out of the path of your white-hot domestic automotive blur. You both wait for the green and just before he spins his tires and leaves you and the rest of the known universe in a pile of smoke and rubber, you feel as alive as a revived body bag resident who swears he saw the white light. Sure, you couldn’t have lost worse if you were trying to outrun him on a pogo stick, but damnit you’re alive.
And rest assured you are the true winner because you won’t have to stop for gas after you both pass the third block.
8. Hit on a Supermodel
Any guy can muster the courage to talk to a girl whose life has trained them to think they're out of their league. Try hitting on someone who isn’t even in your species.
First off, if you get the opportunity to actually carry this one out, than fate will always be your wingman. Find the gumption to walk right up to her (or him, we’re not judgmental), stick out your hand and offer them a drink. Then lay down the kind of double entrendre smack talk that would seem too risqué for a Russ Meyer movie and watch what happens.
The chances of such slovenly swooning working to your advantage are lower than getting a chance to hit on Amelia Earhart. But the experience will serve you well because if you can experience the rejection of someone who gets paid to be hot, then the true person of your dreams whose substance makes her hot shouldn’t take nearly as much gumption…or money. The kind of bars supermodels hang out in require an estimate and at least three forms of identification just for a lousy Manhattan.
7. Compete in an Eating Contest
Kicking an eating habit is hard, especially if it's for food you know you shouldn’t eat. Leaving it alone isn’t as simple as it sounds. The less you have it, the more you can hear it calling your name, taunting you, egging you on, saying things about your mother that a demon-possessed child wouldn’t dare utter. What better way to put that little bastard in its place than by eating 500 of its closest friends and relatives in less time than it takes him to write them a eulogy?
It’s an extremely fun form of aversion therapy. You take in as much as you can as fast as you can so that eventually, you’ll get so sick of it and stop wanting it all together. So if you lose, you’ll be a winner because your cravings for fatty food will be gone. And if you’re a winner, you might have the chance to move into the lucrative world of competitive eating and become the million dollar athlete your parents always secretly hoped you would become.
6. Take your Car Apart and Put it Back Together
It may look like a hunk of metal that gets you to and from work without having to waste time getting fresh air and exercise. But every car has a complex inner space of skeletons and systems that will make you believe in a higher power. Oh, that and the whole miracle of life thing.
So why not find out what makes it tick by stripping off the body and laying it out piece-by-piece until it’s just a neatly organized pile of bits and bolts that used to be your car? The experience will not only subconsciously make you take better care of her, but the next time you hear pieces of metal rolling around in your four-wheeled washing machine, you’ll at least know that it’s your fault.