Valentine’s Day is here and nobody wants to be left out of the love. If you’ve been able to snag yourself a date for that special day, then you’re probably hoping your chances are better at getting laid. Well, think again. Your chances probably suck just as much as they ever do – unless you’ve got the right movie at your fingertips.
Source: Universal Pictures
By Nathan Bloch
The following article does not represent the opinions of Spike TV or its affiliates.
8. Knocked Up
So you’re all comfy, you’ve got a bowl of popcorn and a couple of beers, and you start watching the movie. At first you have a few laughs, a few giggles, the whole shebang.
Halfway through the movie you abruptly get up, turn it off, and throw it in the garbage. When your special lady friend asks what you’re doing, you angrily explain to her that you’re disgusted with the treatment of the female characters in the movie. You don’t like how the characters played by Seth Rogen and Paul Rudd treat their girlfriends/wives, and that if it’s going to be that kind of movie, you’re not interested.
If it worked for Katherine Heigl, it can work for you. Your lady will be putty in your putty machine, because you’ve just become the most sensitive man alive.
7. The Notebook
You show me a girl who’s not a sucker for The Notebook and I’ll show you a girl who likes to spend her Sundays watching football and eating Cheetos and bratwurst. This movie is about a girl (Rachel McAdams) and a guy (Ryan Gosling) who hook up at a carnival, spend the summer together, then get separated. Even though the girl’s parents try to stifle her love, it remains fiery as ever when she bumps into her guy again seven years later.
And let me tell you, if your relationship with the girl you’re watching this movie with wasn’t full of sparks before, consider The Notebook the Zippo to your fuel. Turn on the flick and light your wick, ‘cause it’s on.
6. The Lord of the Rings trilogy
That’s right: I’m talking parts one, two and three. In one night. You’re throwing the geek book at her – all three of them...and hard. By the time you get twenty minutes into part two, your special lady friend is going to be begging you to turn it off. She’ll be forced to throw the sexy book at you...and hard – if only to make the nerdy pain stop. A woman can only take so many dwarves, elves, hobbits, and trolls before she knows what she has to do to change the subject.
Gandalf and Glamdring are mighty indeed, and a Ring Wraith is nothing to scoff at. But there’s no magic like lady magic, and the ladies will cast a spell on you when you tell them there’s only five and a half hours of Middle Earth left to go.
5. Brokeback Mountain
I know what you’re thinking, and I know what those thoughts are going to cause you to say: “Brokeback Mountain? I’m trying to make it happen on Valentine’s Day, and you give me a movie about two cowboys who quake in their boots at the sight of rawhide?” And my response is: Damn skippy.
Because it’s not about who’s doing what to who, or what their orientation is, or how many gallons their hat can hold. It’s about tragic love, and convincing that significant someone that she might just have a little bit of that tragic love pent up herself.
If you really want to get the full effect, make sure you’re wearing Levis, a denim shirt, and try to lasso something nearby. Anything will do: a chair, a lamp, the cat. Just let her see that Heath Ledger isn’t the only guy in town who’s good with a herd of cows. But avoid the cow metaphor at all costs.
4. The Philadelphia Story
When all else fails go with a classic. The Philadelphia Story packs a romantic punch because it’s got some of the original rom-com stars, the actors who helped found the genre: Cary Grant, Katharine Hepburn, James Stewart – these actors never go out of style. And if you show your special lady friend that you know your romantic comedies and you have refined taste, well, tell me that’s not going to impress her.
A great classic movie is a lot like a fine wine, and in that sense think of The Philadelphia Story as an exquisite aphrodisiac to start off your evening of love. Hell, maybe throw a good bottle of wine into the mix. Just don’t ever underestimate the ability of Cary Grant to get your date in the mood. He was the George Clooney of the ‘40s and ‘50s. Don’t be surprised if all the classic Hollywood glamour rubs off on you a little – in more than one way.
3. Meet Joe Black
Meet Joe Black is the War and Peace of chick flicks. Pretty much anything with Brad Pitt will nicely do, but this features almost three hours of Brad Pitt. If this one doesn’t leave her teary and in need of lovin’ then you’re just going to have to man up and return her to the mannequin shop.
The trick with Joe Black is that it is to guys what The Lord of the Rings is to girls, so you’re going to have to be a little bit on the defensive. All kinds of obstacles are going to try and stop you from getting some action in the course of the next three hours: boredom, anger, nausea, and sleep being the major ones. Down a Red Bull or two in secret during a bathroom break; slap yourself in the face quietly until you’ve revived yourself; put thumb tacks in your shoes and slowly increase the pain in the soles of your feet throughout the evening.
Sure, some of these measures sound extreme, but in the end, if you can endure this three hour epic of love, you might just get a little something yourself.
2. Love Actually
It’s been shown in some scientific studies that merely mentioning the movie Love Actually has improved a man’s chances with a prospective mate. In the event that you are actually in possession of the film, your chances improve exponentially. Watching Love Actually once is tantamount to watching eight separate romantic comedies, and as such proves that you have what it takes to absorb a whole hell of a lot of rom-com in one sitting.
It should be noted that watching Love Actually isn’t the most painful experience in the world. Most rom-coms offer way too much on the romance side and not enough of the comedy, but this movie is actually pretty dang funny. Don’t let the pictures of Hugh Grant and Colin Firth on the cover art fool you: there is more than a smattering of awkward British humor in Love Actually.
Just the fact that watching this movie was your idea will score you major points. Play your cards right and it’ll score you a lot more than that.
1. Pride and Prejudice
Sometimes Love Actually just isn’t going to be enough to actually get you some love. Sometimes you need to pull out the big guns. You guessed it: Jane Austen. Pretty much anything Austen is guaranteed to put you several notches above the competition, but if you really know your stuff you’ll go for Pride and Prejudice, which has kind of become the Old Testament of chick flicks.
There is more than one version of Pride and Prejudice out there. There’s the one that Aldous Huxley wrote in 1940, which somehow seems like it might not be the version you’ll want to go with, depending on the dystopian mood of the evening. There’s also a 1980 BBC mini-series that is as likely to bore her as you, as well as another BBC/A&E 1995 mini-series featuring the always-popular-with-the-ladies Colin Firth.
But the fact of the matter is you’re not trying to get laid over the course of a month, you’re looking to get laid tonight. It’s Valentine’s Day and you have a hot date and you spent the last three Valentine’s Days consuming baked beans and Ready Whip in ever increasing quantities, and you’re ready for some kinky nonsense right now. So you whip out the 2005 version directed by Joe Wright, starring Keira Knightley, and you plug your ears right after you tell her you have the evening’s entertainment lined up, because she’s going to squeal with rabid glee when she hears this.
If you’re real smooth you’ll plant a big wet one on her right after Elizabeth (Knightley) and Mr. Darcy (Matthew Macfadyen) finally kiss in the end. The key is to imply with subtlety that your love (or lust) for her is as full of grandeur and sophistication as the love in an Austen novel, and to do so without any words. Let Austen’s words work for you, as they have for so many men before you.